How Do You Deal With Homophobia?

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't understand people either @Chase. I think a lot of straight guys have been sexually attracted to other men at one point of another. Not sure why the insecurity manifests as harassing and bullying someone else. People are shitty, a lot of them.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that going through school, that's pretty messed up. I don't know how people can heal from that sort of abuse. There is one thing I will say, you're not a loser. Just read that again, you're not a loser. You have every right to open your mouth, be it on the forum or wherever you like. You have got to realize your value and that you do matter. I can't say I know you or anything but I know well enough that you're a good person and that you're very creative. That's something I feel that I lack, I can't write a story to save my ass. I can give conjecture, opinions and so on but I can't think up anything that would look like a story anyone would want to read. I wish there was something I could do to be helpful, I'm definitely not a huge fan of medications. I've tried a variety for anxiety and depression and most just mask things...kind of weird and yeah the libido thing. Seeing a therapist, in my particular case did help and when I finally found one I liked and clicked with they left the place. One thing I am slowly getting better at and realizing we can be in control of how we feel and what we think and not the other way around. It takes time, a long time, but it can be done.

I just hate that you deal with this and that you feel that way about yourself when you shouldn't. I do hope you feel better.

[Bhp91126]

Hey @Chase please know that I like you, appreciate you and am happy that you’re on GS sharing your stuff. I’m sorry school was such a mess and even sorrier that it left scars. I also have ghosts from my past bubbling up my mind when I’m down and I’m not good dealing with those. None of the methods friends and therapists suggested worked longer term, so I just try to distract myself when I’m having a flashback.

About homophobia, I usually just shrug it off as the other person’s problem. Being unbothered, ignoring the asshole or maybe giving them an eye-roll is all I do.

[CellarDweller]

Wise words from @Bhp91126 .

I can only echo what he said to you, @Chase, I like you, appreciate you and am happy that you’re on GS sharing your stuff.

[LJay]

Homophobia, racism, and the fear of violence are just under the surface for everyone. They strike with a certain tension that none of us, being honest, can deny. I don't think these things will ever really go away. It is up to each one of us to counter their constant presence by rejecting them when they appear, by deflecting brutality with kindness and calm. We need also to realize that most of us have grown up with attitudes which often are far from positive. Life being what it is, we really have no choice but to carry on and to be, in ourselves, what we want others to be.

[Pix]

The only time it was much of a concern was when it was menacing or otherwise threatening to me and others. I've had more problems with something else...I don't want to say since on the internet it's one of those hot button issues that cause knee jerk reactions and have frustrating assumptions that are far from true wrapped up in them, I'll just say homophobia hasn't directly affected me that much in an appreciable way online or off (but there have been moments, including tense and even frightening ones).

Though I will share a fun one, IMO (but I've learned to handle the bad in life with humor which can disturb a lot of people...this is actually minor). After I lost the place I lived I moved in with someone else into an apartment complex (where we thankfully no longer live). This was a surprisingly intolerant place in many ways, though the owner wouldn't support the bigotry against us, he just wanted to get paid (the landlady was just a glorified secretary and she backed down from her threats after my partner demanded to see a lease and realized my partner was close to a lawyer just hoping for something like this to happen). It bothered me as it affected our kids (well, hers, but after enough years I can't help but think of them as mine as well), though it also touched me when we saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows p1 and the kids associated the homophobes with the Death Eaters spreading lies about muggles and striving for a "pureblood world" (that is, they saw those giving us problems as the bad guys, not us).

Anyway, the 2010 World Series culminated in the San Francisco Giants vs the Texas Rangers. The Giants won. I don't much care about sports, but I knew many of my homophobic neighbors (male and female) did, just as the vast majority of them used religion as an excuse and affected being very religious. Having grown up in the East Texas Bible Belt I'm familiar enough with Pentecostals and the like. In addition is the interesting "thanks to God" for winning games, from audience members that hold up Bible verses to athletes who thank God rather than their training and hard work. (I read somewhere that the part of the brain that responds to sports is very close, even intertwined, with the part of the brain that responds to religion, and though the brain remains very much a mystery, I can find that believable.)

So as I walked past (getting the mail) and a religious group of homophobes went silent and glared at me as I was walking by, I lifted a hand and did a Pentecostal jig going by saying something like, "God loves gays! God loves lesbians! The Sanfrancisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers! Wooo! Thank you, Jesus, for your love and support!"

They were not amused, but I was. But trolling like that is very rare for me...and they'd done a lot to provoke me and mine over the last few months and trying to find ways to make us all, including the kids, homeless. It was such a relief when we finally were able to move from there to someplace better.

[marshlander]

@Chase  

@InbetweenDreams Have you read "The Velvet Rage"?

[InbetweenDreams]

@"marshlander" I have not. Just looked it up on Amazon and added it to my list.

I'll be honest and say, sometimes I struggle with owning my sexuality. Like am I gay, bi...have I got it all wrong. Do I want kids? Having kids sounds nice. How can I have kids when I can't make a relationship last more than 2 years? I know this doesn't really have anything to do with the thread, but I often just feel like I'm just not relationship material. I think there's just too much stuff "wrong" with me and my life. Someone would have to look past a lot of shit.

[ChadCoxRox]

I don't know why I do that. I'll literally mean to type "they are" and instead type "they aren't" and won't notice it...even after reading over it. That has certainly led to confusion in the past.

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Some may find it interesting that this embedded communication issue could be a useful factor in strengthening homophobia coping skills. It's very easy to just respond to the homophobic interaction on a surface level and I think "you're not my flavor" can be quite effective. But coming away from it and using the matter to teach myself is of sincere interest to me.

I've worked with people on this type of communication "annoyance" and I can tell you with some certainty that dealing with this can be a very effective lead to managing homophobia! ♥

The age of multitasking, information overload, inundation of communication styles from texting, writing and speaking styles are just a few factors that contribute to intending/meaning one thing and saying/doing another, whether similar or complete opposite.

So, just like for all things "recovery-related" or developmentally capable of change, a little desire and a little effort toward such change can truly result in positive progress. Progress toward behavior (thinking, feeling and doing) and tolerance, and honing skills for coping and even influencing.

One way (and there's thousands of course) is to habitually proof every written thought before sending/speaking. Thinking before you speak and proofing deliberately before turning in the paper to the professor can be a VERY empowering and even comforting exercise.

Now I'm not suggesting or preaching in the least. I just began reading this thread, saw the quoted line, and stopped to reply before going any further.

I'd add before moving on... A key part of my own personal journey of learning to heal and grow regarding the ravages of homophobia in my history really didn't shape into a capacity to support others until I first faced my own homophobic beliefs/perceptions, and denial thereof. I've had some fairly nasty bitches trying to drag me into the drama of their dogma over this matter, years into pretty good recovery, and left them still pissed in their world of inability to understand how LGBT+ can "even be homophobic." But I assure you it's far more common than many realize in their own worlds.

Anyway, I'm rambling as I am want to do on things about being better and whole, so I'll go off on a tangent. We all need to slow down sometimes and I think that is the only silver lining of this COVID19 pandemic. Even nature has benefited from the slowed pace. I vow to be more intentional and enjoy the present as much as I can, even if I have to tolerate someone being "not gay and shit."

[InbetweenDreams]

@ChadCoxRox I do it all the time when I type. Well not all the time but often enough. I'll be thinking of one word and somehow manage to type the opposite, usually something with a contraction, like can't instead of can...or the opposite. Sometimes I flat out leave words out and literally type garbage that basically makes no sense. Oddly, it is something somewhat new because I used to not do that. Perhaps it has to do with working in the IT field, reading, replying to emails and things of that nature. Maybe it is tumor.

No surprise, I usually catch these mistakes when I do read over them, but not all the time. Especially when I do the whole "can" "can't" think, those are harder to catch as I usually look over posts and other things I type pretty quickly.

But yes, I could certainly stand to slow down on some things in life...perhaps speed up in other areas too.

Perhaps I added to the confusion. I mis-typed a quote in the original post. It wasn't really a miscommunication between me and that person.