How Do You Deal With Homophobia?

[InbetweenDreams]

I'll be honest and say this isn't something I deal with very often. I can't recall the last time I dealt with it. I felt this was a good place to put it and although I'd say the experience I had with it was pretty minor compared to what has gone in the past to others, especially in other countries. How do you deal with people who are homophobic towards you?

Here's what happened to me yesterday. There this guy I know from way back from high school, hasn't been dealt the best hand in life and recently lost his mom. Between COVID-19 and his mom's condition he hasn't really been out of the house anywhere from what I gather. So I offered to come hang out and suggested we go to the dam figuring doing something outside would be good for him. That and I didn't want to sit at his house...it isn't like I know him that well and prefer to stay in my comfort zone.

His response was "As long as you know that I'm straight and shit..."

I just stopped and thought about it. Is this what every guy thinks when I'm around them? Am I going to try taking them on some sort of lover's crusade and smoochie smoochie? Does every straight guy think I'm going to hit on them?

I will admit there have been times where I've wondered if someone was gay or not...usually had someone else find out . I've never incessantly tried to push the issue on anyone. That's not the best way to word it, basically what I'm saying is that if they're not gay I don't try to suggest that they are or whatever. I'm not out to Joe Q Public (not out publicly) and I don't dress or act flamboyantly and there's nothing wrong if others do, just isn't me. So, this is something unusual for me to deal with.

Like I said, it's nothing major, just something that took me by surprise I guess....perhaps a little more cynical or colder in that I feel less bad about this person's misfortunes. Not sure how I should feel about this, I don't want to come off as being overly sensitive, people do worse things.

[marshlander]

... His response was "As long as you know that I'm not straight and shit..."

Is there a typo in there?

Just tell him he's not your type. Conversation may develop from there.

[InbetweenDreams]

... His response was "As long as you know that I'm not straight and shit..."

Is there a typo in there?

Just tell him he's not your type. Conversation may develop from there.

Yes there was!

I don't know why I do that. I'll literally mean to type "they are" and instead type "they aren't" and won't notice it...even after reading over it. That has certainly led to confusion in the past.

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I did fix the typo in the original post.

To answer your question, I did explain to him that I knew he was straight and that if he wasn't I still wouldn't be interested.

[marshlander]

... His response was "As long as you know that I'm not straight and shit..."

Is there a typo in there?

Just tell him he's not your type. Conversation may develop from there.

Yes there was!

I don't know why I do that. I'll literally mean to type "they are" and instead type "they aren't" and won't notice it...even after reading over it. That has certainly led to confusion in the past.

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I did fix the typo in the original post.

To answer your question, I did explain to him that I knew he was straight and that if he wasn't I still wouldn't be interested.

Oh, the wishful arrogance of straight guys! They all want to be loved

I make those typos too. The number of times my positives have turned into negatives or (more often) the other way round!!

[Tjemka88]

Since I'm in the closet, I haven't experienced homophobia directed toward me. However, it hurts me to see how gay people are treated in my country. Many people see homosexuality as a disease. We're being called sick and insane, gay relationships are compared to having sex with a corpse or an animal. It's part of my reasons for not coming out - because I know there will be no one there for me.

[ceez]

My heart goes out to my lgbt people in the closed minded countries in the world, it makes me feel like I take it for granted living in the U.S. and staying in the closet. Have thought of any ways to leave? I know some people choose to study in other countries to get away.

About the op, straight guys are so vain  most feel like gay guys won't be able to keep their hands off of them just like how they are with women.

[InbetweenDreams]

@"marshlander" Well, not to sound judgey but he's not really sought after. Turns out he was drinking when he said that and immediately regretted saying that and apologized, so it's fine. I get that people slip up especially when drinking. Just hate that it was the first thing that came to mind as a result of trying to be kind to someone.

@ceez I guess straight guys feel threatened by gay guys?

@Tjemka88 Sorry to hear that about LGBT are treated in your country. Those views are definitely extreme. I would certainly classify those views as homophobia, to the extreme. What I experienced was quite mild in comparison. So yes, I would certainly stay in the closet and I suppose in one way I kind of am. I'm definitely not the flamboyant type, I don't really like PDA either. I know we can do that in most places without consequence in the US, but there are still hate crimes and a lot of bigoted people here.

[CellarDweller]

To the OP, silly question (and I don't mean to put this on you) does the area you suggested have a 'reputation'?

I can think of at least two times that I had mentioned areas just in conversation, and received a reply of "Oh, did you know that's a gay cruising area?" Both times I was in the dark about it, and felt dumb. LOL

Usually, I would say that if you asked him to meet you somewhere, and he replied with that, I would agree that it is an odd response. However, if you were not aware that place has a 'reputation' (if it does have one) and you asked him to meet you there, he may make an incorrect assumption about why you were asking to meet there.

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Since I'm in the closet, I haven't experienced homophobia directed toward me. However, it hurts me to see how gay people are treated in my country. Many people see homosexuality as a disease. We're being called sick and insane, gay relationships are compared to having sex with a corpse or an animal. It's part of my reasons for not coming out - because I know there will be no one there for me.

I've heard many stories about what it like to live in countries like this, and of course I could never truly understand how it really is. I consider myself fortunate that I live where I do.

[InbetweenDreams]

@CellarDweller It is a public place that many people go walk, run, take their dog, etc... I don't know that the dam has a reputation for that...I have seen a few gay couples over the years but it's not a common thing. Now, at night, who knows...It was still very much daylight. He messaged me telling me how lonely he is and that no one ever comes to visit him since his mother passed away. This guy basically hasn't been anywhere in a long time....So maybe it was weird, idk. Wasn't going to meet him, he's unable to drive at least that's my understanding. This being a rural area not too much to do, plus COVID-19 has a lot of stuff shut down or just a pain to deal with....the dam is a nice place to get some exercise and get out of the house. Perhaps it was weird to suggest that. I don't have a whole lot of friends I hang out with these days and perhaps I don't know what would be more appropriate.

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I feel kind of ashamed for being bothered by it or mentioning it on here. It just bummed me out and made it weird, that's all.

[Chase]

There isn't much I can do to fight homophobia. Whatever I do always ends up doing more harm than good.

Homophobia was never something I fully understood. People do all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify it. It's strange that people never have to compare something like murder to rape to explain why murder is evil, or compare rape to murder to explain why rape is evil, but when it comes to homosexuality, people are suddenly comparing it to rape and murder. I love my dad and wish he was still alive, but it still hurts me that he used to say all gay men are pedophiles all the time.

I just don't understand people. When I was in high school, most of my classmates were convinced all gay men were some sort of strange, bizarre, creatures. Creatures who existed on some sort of perpetual state of sexual orgasm, constantly on the look out for guys to butt rape as soon as a back is turned. One of my classmates in particular was always trying to out me, and always mocking gay people. All of them had this mock laugh. A mock laugh that was supposed to be a gay laugh. A high pitched, squeaky, babyish, sexualized laugh. They were constantly making that laugh, as if it were their tribal war cry. They were always worried they were going to get butt raped by a gay guy, or something of that sort. And yet, they would do the most homoerotic of things to me.

All I can ever think about is this one guy, this one classmate of mine, constantly, every waking day, him coming up to me when my back was turned, wrapping his arms around me, humping me, and making that god forsaken laugh. Constantly, all the time. I can hear it now, as I'm typing this. That mock, babyish, sexualized, cartoonish, orgasmic laugh.

I do not understand why him, and all the others, were constantly saying how they were at risk of being fondled by a gay boy, when they were the ones doing the fondling.

I have never escaped that laugh. So many times a day, and oh so many nights, have I tried to shake that laugh out of my head. I've tried banging my head. Again and again, just banging my head. And I never can fully bang it out. I try blasting music, trying to lose my hearing if I have to, but I can't shut that laugh out. Nothing has ever helped me escape that laugh. Not therapy, not meds, nothing. Fuck, my very meds I tried killed my libido. Like I'm supposed to take meds that would chemically castrate me, fuck that. No, shake and bang my head sometimes is all I can do.

All I can do to fight homophobia is keep my mouth shut. No one likes it when I open it, and this forum is the most you'll find me opening it. Some people like it when I write them fiction, so maybe me writing made up stories that somehow capture the pain and absurdity of homophobia is the best a loser like me can ever hope to do. If God exists, I'd hope he'd at least give me that, if nothing else. Otherwise, there isn't much I can do to fight homophobia. Just close my eyes and hope it ends. Because I can still hear that laugh in my head, still, right now, going on. That chorus of laughter. Those mock baby squeals. Again and again and again and again. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing.