Ghosting

[InbetweenDreams]

I think most people agree that ghosting is not a nice thing to do, especially when it happens to us... as it's happened to me a few times. I will say I have done it but in situations like this... Mind you this was 4 years ago and apparently my judgement wasn't very good and why I wound up on a date with someone like that.

To summarize this thread, I picked up a guy to go on a date from the next town over which is about 36 miles one way. He apparently brought an open bottle of vodka that I didn't know about and while I don't remember the sequence of events of the evening but at some point we went to a Mexican restaurant and you know burritos and whatnot are usually covered with all sorts of toppings, not like Taco Bell where you can just pick up the whole thing. The guy apparently didn't know how to use a fork and ate with his hands. It was almost a show, as if he was trying to make this the most frustrating and uncomfortable date ever. It was crazy. Then I get home to find that he left his bag with his wallet and open bottle of vodka...so I had to make another round trip to bring him his crap which I left at the door and left. Needless to say, I ghosted this guy.

https://gayspeak.com/Thread-Worst-Date-E...-Judgement

So, I do think there are cases where ghosting someone is acceptable. So the question is under what conditions is it not acceptable?

The reason why I ask such a question is I wonder why I go on a date with someone and seemingly nothing went wrong, everything felt fine but I never hear from them again. That sort of stuff really grinds my gears. I bought lunch, we went on a hike. I had no inkling that anything was wrong, or that I did or said something that made him uncomfortable. I mean this guy drove 1:40 minutes to come have lunch with me, then we took my car an hour to go on a hike. The only thing that seemed off was when we got back to where he parked, the goodbye felt weird. I sent him a text when I got home and told him that I had a good time and so on wanted to see him again and so on... By the time I got to bed and didn't hear from him I suspect that I won't, not a lot of time has passed but in my experience if you don't hear from someone in 24-48 hours, you won't.

It just blows my mind, when things seemed to be fine and then poof and you're left wondering, what did I do wrong?

Now, that all being said. I'm not opening this thread to try to judge people who ghosted guys in the past, I mean I have and gave an example, I also suspect others here have also ghosted guys for various reasons. I'm curious of those who have, why? What went wrong that you decided that you're not going to talk to this guy at all? Not trying to judge people and would encourage others participating in this threat to avoid judging others for doing so or not.

[CellarDweller]

I don't think I've ever ghosted a guy. If I'm going to stop talking to him, I'll give him a call and explain that it's ending and why. I feel like that's the least I can do.

I have been ghosted, and it is annoying.

[Meebs]

I have never ghosted anyone that I know of but I have been ghosted many times. I think it's because of my personality. I tend to annoy a lot of people though I am trying better to not do that.

[Tjemka88]

Yes, I have. Because I've had numerous times when I tell a guy I won't be meeting them again and they bury me with hows and whys. That is annoying to me. I just don't want to meet you again, why can't you just take that for an answer? It's way easier for me to simply cut the contact and I don't get mad when someone cuts contact with me. In that case, I understand the person doesn't want to speak to me, delete his number and forget about him.

[InbetweenDreams]

@Tjemka88 Are we talking after one or two dates that you ghost someone or after you've been dating someone for 3 months or something? I can understand why someone might do that after a couple dates...you know this guy's not for me or whatever it, but after 3 months I think someone does deserve an explanation of some sort. After all, it is difficult enough to find a gay person, let alone one to go on a date with someone.

I guess the thing that bothers me is if someone finds me to be annoying, fat, boring or whatever it is why act like everything is great and lie? I mean whatever I did certainly wasn't obvious to me, we talked pretty much the whole time and thought everything was great. Very few guys will have enough nerve to tell people the truth because they just want to avoid the confrontation of saying hey I just don't find you attractive, or whatever it is. I mean I get that someone isn't going to tell me to shut the fuck up while riding in my car 40 miles away from where they parked, but you know what I mean.

With the exception of the example of the date from hell I posted above most guys I'll date more than once. I usually don't throw in the towel right away. It has to be one heck of a trainwreck for me to ghost someone. So it does make me wonder what did I do that was so fucking bad?

Of course, they always keep me on Facebook, so what's the deal with that?

[Tjemka88]

3 months is a relationship already. If you date someone for that long, you cannot ghost without explanation. It's not right. But if I meet someone, see him for a couple of times and decide this guy isn't for me, I don't feel bad about cutting him off without saying anything. It's really not that big of a deal.

[InbetweenDreams]

I suppose it isn't a big deal to you to ghost someone perhaps... Here's the thing, both parties have skin in the game you know what I mean? I get it though, there are times where cutting someone off is by far the best thing to do...like refer to the thread referenced in my first post.

Let's be frank, people do it because it is easy to do it. It isn't hard to tell someone hey I don't think we're a good match, it's hard to do that because we don't want to risk feeling bad about ourselves. However, I realize every case isn't the same and I do believe there are instances where ghosting can be appropriate. However, if you're doing it just to avoid what should be a simple explanation just to avoid feeling bad or because you're just lazy or don't think they deserve to know I do think that is poor character.

One can say that my date from hell back in 2016 was my own doing and I do think @"kindy64" was correct in saying that:

Which is meaner, ending the date when you know it shouldn't go on, or dragging it along and giving the other guy a false impression??

Just stop thinking of it as being mean, you are being HONEST.

After all, is it worse to drag on a date that is going badly than to end it and perhaps giving someone the false impression that things went well? Personally, in reference to the date from hell, I almost think it was intentional, then again you never know. I have seen a lot of stuff but I've never witnessed a trainwreck like that. I almost always will give someone a 2nd date. Of course when I was younger I wasn't always as considerate as I am now.

Does it make sense where I'm coming from? Or do you think it is overextending yourself?

One reason not to ghost someone and just give it to them straight is that you might have at least made a friend and I know that it is difficult to make friends and I can't imagine what it is like in a country that is hostile towards LGBTQ people.