Abusive Relationships

[InbetweenDreams]

After watching this video I reflected on my ex, specifically how I was almost trapped in an abusive relationship with him. No, he didn't hit me or get physical but it was mental. He often made me feel bad, blamed me for everything and just overall belittled me throughout my relationship. Yet, somehow up until recently have been friends on Facebook...even helped him move a few months ago. Of course I am left wondering why it was so hard to break it off and frankly in retrospect I feel that I've only done myself a disservice by allowing it to continue. The main takeaway from all this, if you choose not to watch the video and I suggest you do it is very well done, is that if your partner is fueling your inner critic you may be in an abusive relationship. A partner should build you up and not tear you down.

[seeking]

Thanks a lot for this video. I can't watch it at the moment but I'll surely watch it later because I suspect one of my friends is in such relationship but he doesn't admit it (or maybe I'm really wrong).

Of course I am left wondering why it was so hard to break it off and frankly in retrospect I feel that I've only done myself a disservice by allowing it to continue.

And have you found answers to this question ? Why people cannot free themselves from such a relationship ? The fear of being alone ? Love ?

[InbetweenDreams]

Thanks a lot for this video. I can't watch it at the moment but I'll surely watch it later because I suspect one of my friends is in such relationship but he doesn't admit it (or maybe I'm really wrong).

I think the appropriate question to ask would be to ask why do you suspect they are in a abusive relationship? Rather than me implying that they probably are.

And have you found answers to this question ? Why people cannot free themselves from such a relationship ? The fear of being alone ? Love ?

I think it is likely different for everyone. For me, it was the hope for stability in a relationship. There were a lot of good thing about my ex and well, likewise a lot of bad things. Some people feel trapped, some people just get used to things being a certain way and don't realize the situation they're in is bad. That's why you see so often people run back to their abusive partners. In my case, I just kept hoping things would be better. I always seem to have my blinders on one way or another when it comes to guys.

[seeking]

I think the appropriate question to ask would be to ask why do you suspect they are in a abusive relationship? Rather than me implying that they probably are.

Because he talked to me about this and it seems to me that he gets criticized a lot from his partner. From what he said, it's like he is never doing enough.
But then like you said, there are always good things between a couple and maybe it just happens that he didn't mention them to me. So I'm not sure. 

And I'm going to watch that video now  

Edited :
I just finished watching it and it's really inspiring and now I'm wondering if I've ever been in these poison-type trauma, not necessary by being in an abusive relationship, but incidents and events that happened throughout my life. I also have the symptoms of always putting others' needs before myself - a bit less than before now, thankfully.

My friend also has the same type of rationalization to justify things between them, I guess I will find a chance to talk to him to know more.

[InbetweenDreams]

Because he talked to me about this and it seems to me that he gets criticized a lot from his partner. From what he said, it's like he is never doing enough.
But then like you said, there are always good things between a couple and maybe it just happens that he didn't mention them to me. So I'm not sure. 

He could be in an abusive relationship. There are good things between couples, there were with my ex, but would it have been a wise move to change jobs and move in with him? No, absolutely not. I think it would have been a disaster. I just had that gut feeling that things weren't going to work but I stuck around thinking that it might work...Likewise everyone's experience varies greatly. Unfortunately some people are literally trapped.

I just finished watching it and it's really inspiring and now I'm wondering if I've ever been in these poison-type trauma, not necessary by being in an abusive relationship, but incidents and events that happened throughout my life. I also have the symptoms of always putting others' needs before myself - a bit less than before now, thankfully.

My friend also has the same type of rationalization to justify things between them, I guess I will find a chance to talk to him to know more.

I think the important thing to realize at the same time is that things aren't always sunshine and rainbows. There is a point between what is ok and tolerable and when the line is crossed. For me, I think when you are constantly being belittled by your partner and you're in a position of trying to please them or make up for something all the time but there's really no justification. I'm not saying if someone is unemployed and sits around the house all day, making messes and so on and does nothing else that they shouldn't expect some harsh criticism.

Going back to the subject of my ex. We did not live together. When I was with him, he decided to move to the city....which is fine that's his business. He wanted me to look for jobs in the city which I did not (and still don't) want to do. I have a decent job with good benefits and so on, could it be better? Sure it could. He was really bossy, everything had to be on his terms and then he belittled me about my financial problems. As some of you might have read that I did bankruptcy a while back. He even accused me of using him which is utter bullshit. I had honestly thought about breaking up for a long time but didn't and well in hindsight I should have done it sooner. I do feel conflicted about leaving someone, I don't think it is right to just leave someone just because things aren't sunshine and rainbows, I do believe if someone is looking for a partner for the rest of their life that you can't bail on someone when storm clouds start rolling in. However, at some point you have to realize the reality...he was not always good for me, my self esteem has gone through the floor, I feel worthless at times...hopeless.

My advice for your friend is to take a good hard look at their relationship. Do they really love this person? Are they building you up or tearing you down?

[seeking]

I do believe if someone is looking for a partner for the rest of their life that you can't bail on someone when storm clouds start rolling in. However, at some point you have to realize the reality...he was not always good for me, my self esteem has gone through the floor, I feel worthless at times...hopeless.

I agree. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate if they just have a difference expectation / opinions, or  they are constantly belittling you or picking out little things. It's hard to tell because at specific events, you can always find seemingly reasonable justifications for their arguments. It really needs a certain period of time to see if they actually help you become better, or if they just constantly want you to do as they say ; they want everything in their way etc. In this case, they just see their partner as an possession.

I want to talk to him, but I also afraid that I might say something that could make him think too much or misguide him to think in a bad way (if the situation is not what as I think). I will take it slowly and ask more questions to better understand the situation first before giving my opinion.

[InbetweenDreams]

@seeking One of the things that my ex did was stop having sex. I didn't pick it up as a red flag for a long time and he gave me some BS excuses. We talked about it several times and never got anywhere for over two years. Had to do with my finances. There is a lot more to story which I won't go into since I did make a thread talking more about it and having some windbag "judge" me for the situation I got myself in I really don't want to go there again. Probably shouldn't open up about anything on here for that matter and just play word games.

Anyway, I only bring that up because many things can send a relationship down the tubes. Communication is a big one. He didn't tell me how he felt, he didn't talk to me about the difficult things. Instead he quit having sex with me leaving me to wonder why.

Having arguments isn't always a bad thing, but if the argument becomes more insulting and more of attacking someone rather than going back and forth about what the argument is about. If that makes any sense. Like if the argument is no longer about what it is and it something like "you always do this! why can't you do the right thing" or whatever it's probably not healthy. Does it mean they're in an abusive relationship not necessarily but they could be on the road to one because all that doesn't happen overnight.

Likewise take all that with a grain of salt, I'm definitely no expert.

[seeking]

No problem, thanks for your sharing...they certainly give me more insights.

And I'm glad you are now off with that abusive relationship, no one deserves that and I hope you are doing much better now!