Quarter After Five

[BlueStar]

It is something past 5am here, just woke up. I am only about to tell you a little more about me, to get a few things off without being judged.

For eight years now I have been dealing with severe problems, some go, others appear, while nothing has been easy and I have not had much fun as a young adult. Well, I have nothing to regret or to complain about. I am still alive and that is most important, probably because in 2015 I made the decision of leaving everything behind and beginning a new life 3500km away.

A decision I still praise to this day and will probably for a very long time. I used to have a not so rich family. When I left, I knew what sleeping hungry in a decaying hangar felt like. Still, I never broke, never got into dangerous addictions, never wished to go back to a warm home with a toxic family. I left for good, maybe forever. Which is now why I love my life, well for the most part at least.

I have got severe mood swings for the past few years, only intensifying as time goes on. They began when I was a gay teen living in a large middle eastern city, standing against an army of people who only wanted to take my skin off my flesh. I have been called a rebel ever since. I left the closet at 17, before I even set up any plans for leaving the country. It was tough, even critically dangerous at some point, but I was proud of myself, responding properly to anyone who would assault me. I hid everything from my father who only knew when it was too late to keep me under his roof. I left for France, then began to face racism. Same kind of fight, but differently and less roughly coping with narrow-minded people. I am not a fan of cops. In fact, I have grown up to defy institutions whenever I feel they are acting unjustly, towards me or other people I care about. I cannot stand seeing oppression and not acting. Yes, there are people opressed everywhere, even in countries who call themselves civilized. Lucky, having a good health overall, I have a tremendously high amount of energy to spend.

The thing that gets the most on my nerves is seeing people left alone, abandoned. People here call me a rebel, maybe now more than ever, because I am fighting for everyone I know who is isolated. The most vicious social workers - and there's a lot of them - claim everyone who is alone has chosen to be. I have been oppressed and known bitter loneliness; it takes a hell lot of strength to deal with it everyday. I still do. Every night before I go to bed, I feel that pain, so much I have no tears to cry.

With time and some kind of art therapy, I have learned to lessen the burden of my mood swings. They are violent, but I became much less impulsive over the past year. Djing helped me a lot. I am also about to begin volunteering for the homeless next week, to add to some useful and inspiring activities.

Meanwhile, I think about death very often. Sometimes I wish I could take a bullet. Loneliness is a scary thing, and isolation can be fatal. Sometimes I tell myself I am only living spending my energy to bring a smile to others, awaiting nothing in return. Saving the world is not in my projects, but saving the last lines of affection that still exist is my ultimate fight. I do Djing to make people smile, dance, enjoy a few hours off the atrocity of the world. I do cook home-made for 20 people at a time to show them they are not alone, there are people who care about them. I do not want gratitude, it is a purely selfish attribute when it is asked for. Affection... it is also why I prevent myself from falling in love with one person, when I am capable of sharing myself with whoever wants and needs it. Exclusive relationships are not for me. Hookups are not for me either. I am not a big fan of sexual encounter, unless I share with that person something passionate. So I could say I am trying to find my place in this world but it's not true. Everyone has a place, and I want to make damn sure all the ones who surround me believe they have theirs. It is precious to me. I realized I can never be selfish. Whenever I try to ignore everyone for 24 hours, I end up caring about them the next day, even those who apparently despise me. I hate passivity and submission to a fate. I often get angry at submissive people because I have always refused to be one.

I don't know if the things I do are good or bad, in fact I do not care. Like I said in someone's thread, good or bad make no sense to me. You only reap what you sought. Passion leads to passion, a smile leads to a smile, optimism and energy lead to a new hope for those who have lost theirs. If you knock on my door looking for anything, you will find an answer to everything. It is just me. I am a human being. Some say I have done really bad things, I say I only did them because I felt I needed to do them back then. I am not perfect, I will never want to be, because when you are perfect, you don't struggle, and life makes no sense without struggle.

These were my thoughts. Now I want to chit-chat a little with you guys

[eastofeden]

My impression is that you are very healthy mentally. You are open and honest and face things head on - all great qualities.

[CellarDweller]

I can only agree with what EoE has said.

[InbetweenDreams]

Like others have said, I think you have done very well with dealing with things head on. I can't really imagine packing up and leaving despite how things are and leaving...let alone in another country where presumably many people don't speak the same language. Just the thought of visiting another country, say Japan, is anxiety inducing and Japan would be a place that I would like to visit and is to my knowledge one of the more safer places to go visit. It is a real gamble to head out on your own with nothing, so much can go wrong and as you mentioned drugs is commonplace. But I say good for you for getting yourself out of a toxic environment.

Do you think your mood swings have to do with your experiences with racism and oppression? I can't say I have mood swings other than there are days where I am quite depressed and others the opposite...but I wouldn't call those mood swings anyway. I do think it is good see people who are strong willed...especially for the right causes.

I don't buy that people who isolate themselves want it that way. I can attest to that. It does take a lot of energy to deal with it and it is much worse when you don't have ways to spend your time constructively, say on a hobby or something, a lot of people simply don't have the resources, time, etc to enjoy something alone. Fortunately, I have been able to take my mind off things, negative thoughts, etc. I do think art is an excellent way to expend energy, especially if you enjoy it, have the resources to really tap into it.

I do agree that loneliness and isolation is very bad, we are social animals, even if we're introverts we still need people in our lives. I do like helping people, although I don't help people in the capacity that you do, I usually just fix computer and network problems, reports and so on. I suppose someone could say I have a bullshit job but I don't think that is the case. And I don't care so much for gratitude, it does genuinely feel good to help people....most of the time, some people are annoying. I think every workplace has a Toby Flannigan it seems.

Perhaps I am too dumb but I don't see why falling in love with one person should prevent you from sharing yourself with others...unless you mean sexually. I don't think much of any relationship where one partner set those sort of boundaries. Perhaps you can elaborate a little more about why you feel you can't be in a relationship with someone? I feel like I'm just missing it that's all. But yeah, hookups aren't my thing either. There's just something dirty feeling about it with me, I have to have some sort of bond or connection with someone. I think it is good awareness of whether or not one is being selfish or not, most people are happily selfish...regardless of them being aware of it. Most people seem to not think much, perhaps a gap in my observations but seems people simply live for the moment and are unaware of how they effect people as they move about in this world. I do have a story to tell, which I may post it sometime...could get me in trouble on GS Probably not though.

I don't blame people for being the way that they are, of course doesn't make it not frustrating....but people who are submissive are often have been subject to chronic abuse. Take domestic abuse where guys beat up their wives yet the women never leave or keep coming back to their abusive husband which is infuriating for those who try to help them get out of a bad situation only to find that after a short period of time they're right back in it. Of course, it would be easy to conclude well, they're just stupid, right? There's a lot of psychological crap that goes way beyond what I know or feel like looking up.... I find myself sympathizing with how people are...probably too much at times. Even I myself to a degree am a bit passive, but it depends on what it is and whether my response to something will yield a more positive outcome.

I'll try not to go too far as to not hijack the thread about people being bad or not...I think one way you could quantify whether someone is bad is like this. For instance, you care about other people, how they feel, that they aren't alone. You appear to live in a manner that is very giving and charitable to others. Some people, psychopaths....sociopaths, could care less about whether they made someone feel bad, they simply don't experience empathy. That being said, doesn't mean they're not aware, but you can bet that those type of people will act as if they care if it suits them to. So I think that someone who manipulates people for their gain only are in a way bad people. Doesn't mean they go out out chopping people up, they're just out for themselves. Take all these billionaires, some so rich they could pay for everyone's cancer treatment in the US, end hunger, yet all they do is setup some foundation. Does it do some good, sure it does, but it doesn't measure up if you ask me. When you $90B in 2020 with a pandemic going on and you have to have a prepared statement about your charitable contributions? I'm talking about none other than Jeff Bezos. Oh I've been watching too much PhilosophyTube....

[Camfer]

Hi BlueStar, It's always good to hear how things are for you. You have come so far! You have achieved so much and overcome so much. Not many people would have been able to take action and build a better life for themselves in a foreign country where they are considered "other."

I know people here are trying to be supportive and only working with as much information as you have shared. But when you say you're having problems with severe mood swings, I believe you and take it seriously. I don't dismiss it. I'm not going to say I think you're doing fine when you tell me you're not always okay.

The pain that you carry around now can dissipate over time. You can keep the lessons you learned from all the trauma and not have to relive the trauma each night when the day is done and you are taking time to be still. You care a lot for others, yet sometimes I find myself wondering if you could give yourself a little more love and caring. You deserve it. I am glad that the art therapy and DJing has helped some. You're developing the tools you need.

When GS came back online, you were the first person I contacted to see if you knew. I always looked forward to your posts, because I find you to be articulate, witty, intelligent, and interesting to know. Compliments don't come easy from me, but you've earned them. I hope you're having a good day today. I'm wishing you well.

[BlueStar]

All I said earlier were the big lines, what you don't know are only details about my daily life and experiences. That's it. I guess I act very simple, although I think in a very complex way, which is probably why I don't usually hang out with people who have nothing to say I could be interested in.

My traumas have led me to a psychic ward twice in one year. I might have needed some medical attention at some point, but all I knew is I was never really ready to face it. I used to warn others - even did recently - to look out for when I am excessively joyful, ecstatic. I came to realize every time I go that much up the hill, a severe depressive state can come it and last for a while. The opposite is also correct. There have been times when I went up and down so abruptly I ended up being aggressive. That behavior is linked to all the bad and worse I have seen in most human beings I have met (racism, homophobia, a toxic family, among others). I have harmed a lot of people, with no regrets to this very day. Like said, I felt I needed to do the nasty things at that time. Furthermore, I have a balance complex issue. It means that in order to keep my energy up and be generous to those who need it, I constantly need to attack all those who have many capacities and resources, physical or mental, to give but don't give a damn about others (like Jeff Bezos). So it might be some kind of arrogance showing up; my complex leads me to push everyone to have the same amount of strong will and energy I have. It is very frustrating, it gets me angry at times, breaking my joy and turning the shining part of me into a resentful man.

I must work on this anger issue, there is still some impulsivity in my veins... Surely there must be some way to avoid passivity in a less compromising manner. So I guess I am very healthy mentally, however, I don't always know how to interact with people in general.

I have an extremely high self-esteem and confidence, except for one thing: relationships. Guys in general find it impossible to date me, because I either push them away directly or hide so many things from them they end up leaving with deception. Not that I care but I have been called a jerk by many gay dudes. It seems extremely difficult for a guy to have all the attirbutes necessary for me to like him. I am not talking criteria, but my natural feelings I have analyzed over and over during all the events. And it's all good, I have learned never to need being in a relationship just because I have lacked affection my whole life. Making men flee me has become my comfort zone, because problems usually begin when I actually let someone in because I really like him. It happened a few times. In fact, all goes well and both of us are happy to be with each other, until I start getting bored. I don't get bored of the guy himself, but because like most people, he has been taught to follow the lead of conventional exclusive or open relationships. I don't want either, because I don't even care about not having sex for a very long time. However, I keep looking for something passionate we can share, some kind of relationship we have that would be unique to both of us, something neither of us could define.

A relationship that includes at the same time feelings from friendship, romance, affection, complicity and seduction. I'd like the guy to just say to his fellows: "this is one guy I love", instead of: "this is my boyfriend", or "this is a close friend", or anything else precisely. I actively taught myself not to ever define love in any kind of way other than being unconditional. I don't want to judge people who are monogamous, everyone does as it makes them happy. I'm just saying I would see myself as a selfish man if I let myself commit to just one person, when this kind of unique relationship I am looking for can be multiplied with other guys. Because when we don't set conditions, do or ask for sacrifice, I have more than enough energy to commit in my unique way to many men at a time.

Therefore, my self-esteem betrays me when I bring the idea that the other guy will certainly leave like everyone else, that he doesn't give himself any reason to keep me in his life.

But that is just me. Conventional things in life get me bored very quickly, which is why I tend to sabotage my relationships as soon as they turn into routine and run on regular social basis.

I appreciate your responses guys, truly. It brought me a genuine smile, something I haven't had for the past week

@Camfer Thank you for your concern like it has always been

I remember your PM and our conversations, and I am glad we can be in contact again. Sadly, it is quite easier to write down these posts about me on a forum, than actually telling people in physical life about how I really feel and live.

[InbetweenDreams]

It is easier to go through your post this way, so don't see it as I'm picking everything you say apart or anything. I'm just lazy and the caffeine hasn't done its magic yet lol

All I said earlier were the big lines, what you don't know are only details about my daily life and experiences. That's it. I guess I act very simple, although I think in a very complex way, which is probably why I don't usually hang out with people who have nothing to say I could be interested in.

Yes, that would be lost in writing. It is difficult to convey everything that you experience on a daily basis, as it would be for me, in a forum post in a way that anyone reading could get an exacting interpretation. It seems I usually miss the mark in many of my posts where people get a different perception about me or whatever it is that I've posted about. But it does make me a little better at writing, not that I am a writer, when I become more aware of that.

I do relate to what you're saying how our complex thoughts lead to what seem to be a simple behavior, although I don't believe that to be necessarily true.

My traumas have led me to a psychic ward twice in one year. I might have needed some medical attention at some point, but all I knew is I was never really ready to face it. I used to warn others - even did recently - to look out for when I am excessively joyful, ecstatic. I came to realize every time I go that much up the hill, a severe depressive state can come it and last for a while. The opposite is also correct. There have been times when I went up and down so abruptly I ended up being aggressive. That behavior is linked to all the bad and worse I have seen in most human beings I have met (racism, homophobia, a toxic family, among others).

I do on a lesser scale experience what you describe. Some days I get on somewhat of a high, feel good, happy and then come crashing down at times where I think of suicide, that my life, existence is pointless and all the negative thoughts that go with all that crap. It's like being caught in a giant wave, being tumbled and thrown about helplessly emotionally speaking. Because I am aware that the thoughts I have aren't right yet it feels real and frame it all in a way that it feels like the truth. Sometimes I have trouble seeing past some of those negative thoughts and often why I try to simply not let my mind go there. That being said, I don't think my high and lows are extreme as you describe yours. The only thing that seems to help is exercise, running, jogging, whatever it is you would be most likely to enjoy or tolerate seemed to "smooth out" the ups and downs. The problem I face is that I too often stop doing it. So if you can be consistent with it that could help some.

As far as the link between your behavior and having lived through much of the things you list (racism, homophobia, etc), that is a tough thing to deal with. Likewise, telling someone to just stop thinking about it is well, stupid, we're reminded about the state of the world on a daily basis, all the problems we faced yesterday are still here today. However, I do think that the actions you take, such as cooking for 20 people and offering yourself to people in need is a very good thing and does have an impact on the world. You might be the reason that someone is still here today, that someone made it through and got back on their feet. I think stuff like that does indeed count as making the world a better place.

I have harmed a lot of people, with no regrets to this very day. Like said, I felt I needed to do the nasty things at that time. Furthermore, I have a balance complex issue. It means that in order to keep my energy up and be generous to those who need it, I constantly need to attack all those who have many capacities and resources, physical or mental, to give but don't give a damn about others (like Jeff Bezos). So it might be some kind of arrogance showing up; my complex leads me to push everyone to have the same amount of strong will and energy I have. It is very frustrating, it gets me angry at times, breaking my joy and turning the shining part of me into a resentful man.

What do you mean when you say harm people? Do you mean beating the crap out of someone or just being an asshole to someone? Because I think we all have been an asshole to someone probably more than a few times, some deserving it and more and others not so much. I keep going back to that "story" I have. I guess the question is how do you determine whether someone has capacity and resources at their disposal? Of course, I'm not talking about Bezos in this instance, we know that resources he has, we know what resources Tim Cook at Apple has and that he could take action against their sub-contractors who don't pay their employees or pay them slave wages.... I got a bit ranty there. What I mean the average person you see on the street, what about them strikes you that they have many capacities and resources? Am I right to ask that question? I might be getting the wrong idea perhaps. I do find it frustrating at times with people who could change something seemingly small to make a big impact. One example...

My dad is a smoker. He smokes quite a bit and has done so for a long time. I'm not a doctor but he should kick the habit because he continuously hacks and coughs and he's not sick with a cold. Could it be cancer? Perhaps, it's definitely not normal. Yet, despite my pleas with him he continues to smoke knowing that will likely be his demise.

I must work on this anger issue, there is still some impulsivity in my veins... Surely there must be some way to avoid passivity in a less compromising manner. So I guess I am very healthy mentally, however, I don't always know how to interact with people in general.

Do you see impulsivity being tied to your anger issues? I am curious as I do consider myself a bit impulsive at times. I may or may not have anger issues...I can usually keep it under wraps sort to speak but there are things that just get under my skin.

Are you saying that you don't know how to interact with people who are passive? Is it being passive about certain things or just that trait in general?

I have an extremely high self-esteem and confidence, except for one thing: relationships. Guys in general find it impossible to date me, because I either push them away directly or hide so many things from them they end up leaving with deception. Not that I care but I have been called a jerk by many gay dudes.

What makes you push guys away? Or why do you hide things from them? I tend to have the opposite problem which seems to be equally troubling.

It seems extremely difficult for a guy to have all the attirbutes necessary for me to like him. I am not talking criteria, but my natural feelings I have analyzed over and over during all the events. And it's all good, I have learned never to need being in a relationship just because I have lacked affection my whole life. Making men flee me has become my comfort zone, because problems usually begin when I actually let someone in because I really like him. It happened a few times. In fact, all goes well and both of us are happy to be with each other, until I start getting bored. I don't get bored of the guy himself, but because like most people, he has been taught to follow the lead of conventional exclusive or open relationships. I don't want either, because I don't even care about not having sex for a very long time. However, I keep looking for something passionate we can share, some kind of relationship we have that would be unique to both of us, something neither of us could define.

A relationship that includes at the same time feelings from friendship, romance, affection, complicity and seduction. I'd like the guy to just say to his fellows: "this is one guy I love", instead of: "this is my boyfriend", or "this is a close friend", or anything else precisely. I actively taught myself not to ever define love in any kind of way other than being unconditional. I don't want to judge people who are monogamous, everyone does as it makes them happy. I'm just saying I would see myself as a selfish man if I let myself commit to just one person, when this kind of unique relationship I am looking for can be multiplied with other guys. Because when we don't set conditions, do or ask for sacrifice, I have more than enough energy to commit in my unique way to many men at a time.

Therefore, my self-esteem betrays me when I bring the idea that the other guy will certainly leave like everyone else, that he doesn't give himself any reason to keep me in his life.

But that is just me. Conventional things in life get me bored very quickly, which is why I tend to sabotage my relationships as soon as they turn into routine and run on regular social basis.

What sort of things, attributes, do you like in a guy? It would seem like you would fit more into a polygamous sort of relationship, at least that's the feel I get. I don't think it is necessarily selfish to commit to one guy... Perhaps you could dive in on why you feel that way. Frankly making anything work this day and age is a good thing. That being said, there are guys out there who would check most of the boxes but I do think finding guys who are less "conventional" might be harder to find. That's just based on my own experience, seems a lot of guys are just really basic and lack personality...or perhaps I am just an asshole lol

I think as long as you are making an effort to better yourself you will be fine. Being aware of your shortcomings and being willing to change are healthy things.

[Camfer]

One's 20s is certainly an interesting time! Exploring relationships, careers, habits, emotions, friends, lovers, clubs, parties, travel, social interactions, hobbies, triumphs and defeats, successes and failures. People generally know a lot in their 20s. A human brain isn't fully developed until around age 28. A good thing to do is find a way to channel all that youthful righteous anger into something positive. It's so energizing to have that anger, yet that energy itself is actually neutral, and can be used in fulfilling or destructive ways, toward yourself or others.

Friends and lovers tend to come and go in your 20s. That's natural when you're learning who you want to be around, and others learn if you are someone that they want to be around. Every friendship or relationship teaches you things that you can bring into the future ones. We learn through experiences. So you get smarter about not repeating the past mistakes, recognizing the patterns.

Now that I am in my 50s, I know a lot less than I did back in my 20s. It's such a relief!

Bipolar folks are riding on this giant pendulum that swings from highs to lows and changes direction in an instant. I've had two bipolar people very close in my life. As you have learned, @BlueStar  people are attracted to your more euphoric states. They don't believe you when you warn them about it. It's so good that you don't have an addictive personality. Going down the path of self-medicating through drugs and alcohol is not productive. I've seen prescribed lithium be very helpful, more so than the modern prescription drugs.

Having a basket of solitary pursuits is useful. Art, music, writing, gardening, sewing, weaving, knitting, crochet, pottery, sculpture, time in nature. There's good times to connect with others, good times to pursue your own things.

But really behind all that is what the Hindus call Advaita. Non-dual. When you stop, there is peace. People are so caught up in what is happening on the movie screen that they overlook the screen itself. There is consciousness underlying it all. You are not your body, your thoughts, or your emotions. When turn your attention to the source of this consciousness, you uncover something fulfilling beyond words.