Looking for answers

[Eurogay]

Hi,

I am a 41 year old gay guy living in New Zealand. I've been in a monogamous straight relationship for 11 years and I am about to end it because I feel I've been hiding in the closet way too long. I have started to come out but only to a few close friends who don't even live in this country. I am determined to start a relationship with a man. I have to say....I've never been intimate with a guy or any other person bar my wife. I've been looking for a partner since July 2008. Since I am a very or even extremely shy individual I don't go out at all neither to gay nor to straight bars or clubs. I am sometimes even a bit insecure. So I started looking for a man on the internet.....that's the only environment I feel kind of relaxed and safe in. I've been hit on by a few guys but either they are only interested in sex or they are camp....and I just can't stand feminin-acting guys because I'm straight-acting.....at least most the time (I sometimes do have my camp moments though, who doesn't?) or they are very nice at first but then turn out to be jerks or even try to sell me something.
I consider myself not bad looking. I do have a receding hairline and a little bald spot but no wrinkles and I even look younger than my age.....so I've been told by some of the guys I met on the internet......

I think I'm just not attractive enough for the right person. Most gay guys, I believe, are after young athletic guys with big muscles and slim sun-tanned bodies and chiselled abs. Just to fit into this genre I even lost over 15kg and joined the gym. I now have a slim sun-tanned body as well and you can see a few abdominal muscles. I even thought I could find a partner at the gym but I am just too scared, too shy and too insecure to find out whether a guy is gay or straight by entering into a conversation with him.

But why are gays so obsessed with physical stereotypes? O.k. I have to admit, I wouldn't say no either to a guy with a nice muscular body.... but sex, a huge cock and physical beauty are not everything in life. There's more to a relationship than just these superficial criteria, isn't there?
I am not interested in a man who has sex on his mind all the time. I am turned on by a man who can be romantic, loving, thoughtful, understanding etc. etc. and of course good-looking (after all I'm gay) but how and where can I find such a precious person..... obviously not on the internet. If there was a way of how to detect a gay guy by just looking at him I would probably feel more at ease around him and more likely start a conversation than initiating one with a guy who could potentially be straight and would probably give me a good hiding if I made any advances towards him.
Maybe I haven't given the whole thing enough time but I feel that I'm running out of just the same. I have passed the age threshold of fourty and who actually wants a guy like me who's passed his use-by-date and who has all the other imperfections and faults??? Well, I'm still waiting and hoping that there's someone for me out there on this planet and whom I will meet one day.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Yeah, you really are making a judgement pretty early and it also seems that you have some self image problems.

Some say that negatives attract but I feel that is bull. You usually attract the same type so take a good account of yourself, where youre looking and how you want to appear and where you will most likely find another similar mate.

I hope this doesnt turn nasty but... imho... you really should end it with your wife before you go playing around.

Best of luck and welcome to the site [/COLOR]

[andy]

Big warm

I'm not too fantastic with advice so will leave it to our lovely members!

Good luck though!

[princealbertofb]

Eurogay, I love your avatar, it's neat... So anyway, to GaySpeak... you have found a nice place to complain, worry, dish the dirt, share etc... we will be listening to your plight and predicament. Your post seems full of solutions and resolutions that you have already made so you are on your way out of the closet (oh goodness!, how confined it is in there, I know!!). The hardest is always telling people for whom we think it'll matter most, even if they are the ones who supposedly know us the best.

[princealbertofb]

...So I started looking for a man on the internet.....that's the only environment I feel kind of relaxed and safe in. ....and I just can't stand feminine-acting guys because I'm straight-acting........

I consider myself not bad looking. ... I even look younger than my age......
I think I'm just not attractive enough for the right person. ... Just to fit into this genre I even lost over 15kg and joined the gym. ... I am just too scared, too shy and too insecure to find out whether a guy is gay or straight ...

But why are gays so obsessed with physical stereotypes? .... but sex, a huge cock and physical beauty are not everything in life. There's more to a relationship than just these superficial criteria, isn't there?... I am turned on by a man who can be romantic, loving, thoughtful, understanding etc. etc. and of course good-looking (after all I'm gay) but how and where can I find such a precious person..... obviously not on the internet.

Maybe I haven't given the whole thing enough time but I feel that I'm running out of just the same. I have passed the age threshold of fourty and who actually wants a guy like me who's passed his use-by-date and who has all the other imperfections and faults??...

So hello again, Eurogay... I thought I'd give your post a little more thought and consideration. It does sound as if you've got some of the questions covered, while at the same time being slightly jaded or deluded about some of the facts of life.

That you should find it easier to be yourself on the Internet and behind a screen is no surprise, a good many people are just like that. In real life they would just clam up. This being said, it is also true that you will be exposed to many more people on the Net that you wouldn't ever meet in real life for various reasons, of distance, of groups of interest etc... Therefore, even if you are not into let's say S & M bonding, you'd still come across some people who were looking for that on the Internet. You meet more people but the people who'll fit your type are just as few probably as in real life situations. I still think you get more opportunities to meet like-minded people without it jeopardising your professional, social or family position. As for meeting the straight-acting, well just imagine that you aren't the only one in your type and that there are probably other straight-acting gays out there looking for exactly the same thing as you.

Concerning age and looks, I'd say they are mostly of benefit to the young, but again others in just your situation and age group are likely to have gone through the same physical changes as you mention, and although you've made an effort to make yourself more "marketable", the outside shell is just what it is, an outside shell, and the inside is still just as insecure and vulnerable. However, it can't be all bad to be feeling in better shape physically, but, as Frank said, what you really need to be able to change is the inner sense of insecurity. At the moment, I sense that you are having doubts about leaving a wife and family atmostphere in which things are maybe not great but at least you feel comfortable with (up to a point) and losing it all for a situation that won't be much better and in which you will feel exposed. Well, you need to make that break and you are almost ripe for it, it seems. You won't regret it, as it'll boost your confidence to start a new life and do new things. You need that clean slate. Don't expect, however, to erase the past and what it has brought you in terms of experience and memories. It will still be there.

You are afraid of asking a man out, or asking him if he's gay or straight? Well these are private matters indeed. If you should meet someone on the Internet and they sound interested, maybe you need to pursue things a bit and find out what they are like first. Once you have ascertained that they are like-minded, then you can try to make an appointment to meet. The general rule that seems to apply is to be cautious, to choose a busy yet neutral environment to meet and to keep your options open for a quick gettaway if necessary. With a bit of luck you won't be running away, or shying away. Be prepared to be truthful about your circumstances and trust also that others will do the same. If they don't, they are just wankers and not worth the bother. If they are genuine, then something may happen.

"But why are gays so obsessed with physical stereotypes?" you ask. It's just what it is, a stereotype and a cliché that probably a great proportion of the gay population does not share. While it is normal for any person (male of female) to look for the best possible, I think there are still some realistic enough guys out there capable of adapting to the realities of life and to what they can get. At 40 there is this truth, though, that you ought to know what you're willing to compromise for and what you are not going to accept. Something we didn't readily know when we were just 20 and starting relationships. That should give you the confidence to seek in a partner those assets that you are looking for. and also maybe you need to know more about your assets for a gay guy. You are not bad looking, and even fitter than you were, that should, in some way, appeal to someone. You seem to think that a romantic, thoughful, charming, loving and caring person is impossible to find on the Internet, so why have I been blessed with finding such a person in the exact same circumstances??? I think you've been looking in the wrong place, on the wrong sites. It would be better to join a group that doesn't have sex as the only marketable value. Then you'd surely find someone more suited to your tastes.

Good luck with the search. I don't think you're beyond the sell-by date... There is no such thing. Just accept what you have to offer (love and caring andall that) and try a little patience too. It'll happen when you least expect it, probably.

[marshlander]

Hello, Eurogay. Welcome to Gayspeak. We may have one or two things in common. I was married for a long time, but only started coming out to myself around the age of 40. It was all very difficult. I hated myself for the lies I kept telling to myself and to others.

I'm sorry you have such a poor experience of the web, although it can be a great filter. However, if you don't go out, I wonder how you can get more of a grip on the real world of gay friendships and relationships?

With the benefit of hindsight, I would follow fjp999's advice, but at the time I was trying to come to terms with my real feelings, I was very short on the kind of objectivity required for such massive changes and very long on fear.

Many older gay men have been married, and survived when it all fell apart. I hope you can find your way through this maze.

Good luck.