Lol, Rychard, charming one liner!!!  mile:
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Rychard the Lionheart Wrote:I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the Olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thohgut slpeling was ipmoratnt.
How good was taht!
The word READING was lacking an A and had one G too many. I was still able to read it.
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Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is
to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom
Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they
go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony
but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says," I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f**k's that on the
balcony with Colin?"
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A man had a terrible golf problem, so he went to the club pro for some lessons.
Well, what should I do?" asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied," just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's member."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands..."
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If a pro is the opposite of a con, what is the opposite of progress?
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The Bacon Tree.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
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A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.
But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi.
Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone 'to say good-bye to my mother'.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!
She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'.
The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of 'Who wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, but for $1,000,000 you've only got one lifeline left, phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have's me a go!'
'OK. The question is, which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest ?
A) Robin ( b) Sparrow © Cuckoo (d) Thrush.
'I ain't gots a clue,' said Mick, 'So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance.'
Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Jaysus, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Are ya tick or what! Dat's just simple logic ... it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are ya sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm damn sure' replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with cuckoo as me answer.'
Is that your final answer?' asked the host.
'Dat it is Sir.'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Congratdulations .... Mick, you've won $1,000,000!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did youse know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you knowin' about birds n' all.'
Paddy just laughed. 'Lord tunderin' Jaysus bye, your some kinda tick, aincha - everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!
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That's one that would appeal to my neighbours the Swiss.... hahaha.
Question is: How did Mick find a flight out of Newfoundland and back to Ireland so quickly???
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Fair enough" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know, not everybody pays".
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