By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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"I know the whole truth."
At school Little Tommy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them
by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Tommy decided to go home and try it out.
He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole
truth."
His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and
greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Tommy's father promptly handed
him $50 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!"
Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the
mailman at his front door.
Little Tommy greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then
come give your daddy a big hug."
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Classified Ad
The following ad in The Atlanta Journal received numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.
Just hug me and I'm yours. Call XXX-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy. . . . .
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Drinking the black stuff.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll bet $500
American dollars with anybody in here who says they can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the
Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking
them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin',
where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first."
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This is old, so doubtlessly many here have already heard it. Still, perhaps some of the younger people have not. It’s one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard, and I recall laughing hysterically when I first heard it. I admired how gay people could maintain such a sense of humor amidst such tragedy and fear.
When the AIDS epidemic first came to light in the early eighties, at least in the United States cases then were pretty much confined to three groups of people: Gays, IV drug abusers and people originally from Haiti; thus, the historical context of the joke within the gay community at a time when a great many were still “closeted.”
Question: What is the most difficult part of having AIDS?
Answer: Convincing your parents that you’re Haitian.
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Very politically incorrect, Donald, but it got a chuckle out of me too... just because it's so preposterous.
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Strange and Funny American Laws
In Texas, it’s against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.
In Philadelphia, you can’t put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.
Alaska law says that you can’t look at a moose from an airplane.
In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.
In Illinois, the law is that a car must be driven with the steering wheel.
California law prohibits a woman from driving a car while dressed in a housecoat.
In Memphis, Tennessee, a woman is not to drive a car unless a man warns approaching motorists or pedestrians by walking in front of the car that is being driven.
In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.
In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.
In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.
In Georgia, it is against the law to slap a man on the back or front.
A barber is not to advertise prices in the State of Georgia.
In Louisiana, a bill was introduced years ago in the State House of Representatives that fixed a ceiling on haircuts for bald men of 25 cents.
In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.
In Rochester, Michigan, the law is that anyone bathing in public must have the bathing suit inspected by a police officer !
In Kentucky, it’s the law that a person must take a bath once a year.
In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.
In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.
In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.
In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.
In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.
In the State of Kansas, you’re not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.
In Florida, it is against the law to put livestock on a school bus.
In New Jersey, cabbage can’t be sold on Sunday.
In Galveston, Texas, it is illegal to have a camel run loose in the street!
In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.
In Cleveland, Ohio, it is unlawful to leave chewing gum in public places.
In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.
In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.
In Massachusetts, it is against the law to put tomatos in clam chowder.
In Washington State, you can’t carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.
In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.
In Kentucky, it is illegal for a merchant to force a person into his place of business for the purpose of making a sale.
It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.
In Michigan, married couples must live together or be imprisoned.
In the state of Colorado, a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light !
In Phoenix, Arizona, you can’t walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.
In California, a law created in 1925 makes it illegal to wiggle while dancing.
In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.
In Michigan, it is against the law for a lady to lift her skirt more than 6 inches while walking through a mud puddle.
In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.
In Georgia, it’s against the law to spread a false rumor.
In West Virginia, one can’t cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odors and the offence is subject to imprisonment.
In Missouri, a man must have a permit to shave.
The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.
In Texas, it is still a “hanging offense” to steal cattle
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Interesting.
Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around on the deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate (Brass Monkey) with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "Brass Monkey," but would rust to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus is was, quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."
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i can never believe weird law jokes. they just sound so stupid sometimes. how could anyone possibly know that no passengers on an airplane saw a moose during a flight??
and rychard, as always, has the best jokes evar.
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I was wondering why there are so many jokes at the expense of believers, but relatively few at the expense of unbelievers? Here are a few "anti-atheist" jokes I've found to redress my usual ranting ... I'm feeling charitable given the time of year 
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A Christian, a Jew, and an atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.
The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle of god has occurred, figures he can't kill this man, as so sets him free.
The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the Christian, he shouts, "My god will save me!". The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes god is on this man's side, and lets him go.
Finally, the atheist lays down on the guillotine. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, "Well here's your problem..."
The moral? There's a time and a place for scepticism.
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What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.
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The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
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An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ...
.. NOW you're screwed."
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An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
"OH MY GOD! ..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving ...
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around...
"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL." Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
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