Am I a weird gay guy for not preferring to hook-up?

[Anonymous]

Hi Friends,

Am I a weird gay guy for not preferring to do hook-ups?

I understand my question sounds silly.

I am a single gay guy but I prefer not to do hook-ups. I prefer to have sex in a monogamous relationship.

You know some traditional straight women prefer to have sex in a monogamous relationship. My mindset is like that.

But one thing I have noticed is that most gay guys do hook-ups. I have seen it in social media and in real life. And it makes me feel if I am a weird gay guy to prefer not to do hook-ups. I'm not sure if this is what they mean by "peer pressure".

And I also have a negative experience. I was chatting with another gay guy (as an acquaintance) and this topic came along. I told him about my preference and he told me something like this "If a gay guy does not do hook-ups, then he is not a gay guy."

I do feel concerned if my preference will be a turn-off to other gay guys and if it will be difficult for me to find a date in the future.

I am sorry if any part of my post sounds rude or offensive. I just wanted to share about my feelings.

Thank you.

[eastofeden]

There is no such thing as a "weird gay". We are all individuals with individual likes and dislikes - just like straight people. 

If it makes you feel better - I do not go to pride or any gay events or bathhouses or parks or bathrooms where gay men try to pick up people because I HATE being cruised. I think it is invasive and I will NEVER be interested in anyone who does this. I used to cringe inside when I worked in a gay bar and people tried to pick me up because I "looked good" and they "liked my body" UGH. I like CHEMISTRY which requires conversation and no objectification. 

I thought I was weird and so did alot of other people because it seems alot of other people WANT TO BE OBJECTIFIED - and I realized that there was nothing wrong with me. If other people don't get it - no harm done. I get it which is all that matters and that is just a tiny part of what makes me the individual that I am.

[Cridders88]

To the OP: Short answer, not at all.

I was never really into hook ups either. For me, the idea of sex with a stranger is... well, strange? Plus, my social anxiety did hold me back a lot when I was single too. But I never really liked the idea of hookups. And OP, you won't he alone in having that preference either, that's for sure, regardless of how it seems like you are. Ignore your gay acquaintance too, he doesn't know what he is talking about.

IF it is a turn off for any potential date in the future, then ditch them fast. To be honest, I don't think it will be a problem for you (it wasn't for me).

[CellarDweller]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex only in a monogamous relationship. I know a few people who have the same feelings.

[InbetweenDreams]

I don't know why somneone would say if you don't do hook-ups then you're not really gay. As others have said, you don't have to do hook-ups if you don't want to do that. A lot of guys do hookup and it's not always because that's what everyone is set out to do. I do think a lot of guys end up hooking up anyway, maybe after a good date and the chemistry is right can turn into a hookup. There's nothing wrong with hooking up either just be careful and get checked out of STD's regularly.

That also brings me to this. You might not be looking for a hookup or ever think you would have sex with someone after the first date but you should be prepared to do that because I don't know how many times I never thought things would get past first base but did. I do not trust myself making the best choices in the heat of the moment and I think the "heat of the moment" can be a reason why someone has unprotected sex. After all, just once, what are the chances? It is far better to have protection and not need it versus having to treat a STD because you dated that guy once...what was his name again?

[ChadCoxRox]

I don't know why someone would say if you don't do hook-ups then you're not really gay. As others have said, you don't have to do hook-ups if you don't want to do that. A lot of guys do hookup and it's not always because that's what everyone is set out to do. I do think a lot of guys end up hooking up anyway, maybe after a good date and the chemistry is right can turn into a hookup. There's nothing wrong with hooking up either just be careful and get checked out of STD's regularly.

That also brings me to this. You might not be looking for a hookup or ever think you would have sex with someone after the first date but you should be prepared to do that because I don't know how many times I never thought things would get past first base but did. I do not trust myself making the best choices in the heat of the moment and I think the "heat of the moment" can be a reason why someone has unprotected sex. After all, just once, what are the chances? It is far better to have protection and not need it versus having to treat a STD because you dated that guy once...what was his name again?

IGNORANCE answers the first question for sure.

As for the second part, again, ignorance.

I'm thankful for my trustworthy relationship with my partner and "that will never happen to me" is not ignorance; but, if he looks like mine then it's denial maybe because he's so fine?!?!? Asking for a friend...  

[InbetweenDreams]

Yeah I guess it is ignorance but at least the first part I feel like most people should be able to work it out in their heads but then again.

[Tjemka88]

Not at all. I'm much like you. I only sleep with people I love.

[Insertnamehere]

Hi Friends

Am I a weird gay guy for not preferring to do hook-ups?

   



Ok, I was going to leave it at that, but then I decided I would be a nice person.


You like same-sex, ergo you be ghey. And that is it. There is no dress code, behaviour pattern or any kind of particular action you "need" to follow. Acting a certain way, being a certain way, does not make you more or less of a gay. People really need to stop thinking otherwise.

You know some traditional straight women prefer to have sex in a monogamous relationship. My mindset is like that.

Some people prefer sex within a monogamous relationship, period. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation or gender identity.

But one thing I have noticed is that most gay guys do hook-ups. I have seen it in social media and in real life. And it makes me feel if I am a weird gay guy to prefer not to do hook-ups. I'm not sure if this is what they mean by "peer pressure".

And I also have a negative experience. I was chatting with another gay guy (as an acquaintance) and this topic came along. I told him about my preference and he told me something like this "If a gay guy does not do hook-ups, then he is not a gay guy."

Yes this does happen. Blame it on the years of either self or external repression, fear, hiding, and homophobia that many of us grew up with, perhaps we tend to overcompensate whenever we finally get the chance to be..free..so we go a bit sex-crazed but unable to stable anything because we start getting experience in establishing healthy relationships quite late (??) Merely a theory, and also the timeline is different for different people, different people handle things differently, blah, blah, blah, who cares. Maybe dem gheys just like to have sex and that is that.

(Note, I'm putting myself in the sack here, but I've never been like this, although I did have my going from zero to a hundred phase, fun times).

Regardless, that final assessment is wrong, obviously. Not every person is the same. Some guys do like long term stable relationships. Again, gay is you like same-sex and nothing else. And you have a right to do you, be you and not what other people think you should do.

I do feel concerned if my preference will be a turn-off to other gay guys and if it will be difficult for me to find a date in the future.

Your preference will probably turn off people that do not share that preference. Which works fine because that is not the kind of people you are looking for in the first place, right?

Probably. It will probably take a while. But the wait is often worth it, or so I hear.

I am sorry if any part of my post sounds rude or offensive. I just wanted to share about my feelings.

It's neither rude nor offensive to ask questions, express valid concerns or share feelings my boy. That's what we crazy lot are here for.