Not much I can add to what has already been said, although I suspect I shall probably attempt to do so
.
True, PA and I have been exclusively together for more than 6 years now, but our long distance is only between 600-700 miles not the 11,000+ (?) miles I guess yours would be.
To be able to sustain a long distance relationship requires a few things. Certainly commitment is one, trust is another, but dare I say money as well? To make it work you have to let go of a few things and only will you and your partner be able to decide what those things are. PA and I came to the realisation early on that what we had was very precious, but that it may not last forever. In fact my previous record in the fidelity stakes had not been very good and, as I was coming out of a decades-long relationship when PA and I first became friends, I really wasn't looking for another relationship. However, we don't always get what we think we want and over the years we have become increasingly secure together.
Staying in contact is important. We send text messages daily, we e-mail and we telephone a few times a week. We also meet up in the chat room on here where we can chat in private while joining in the general conversation. I made a decision a few years ago to make myself unavailable for work (a decision over which, being self-employed, I had some control) during the second week of every month, when I would make time to travel to France to be with PA. I don't have a home of my own in either England or France, so I am a bit of a nomad. Being rootless can be a problem. PA generously refers to his apartment as "our apartment".
Obviously a loving, couple-relationship is affirmed by its physical aspect. Weeks apart at a time can be difficult. We released each other from the need to enter a celibate state when we couldn't be together. In PA's beautiful words he would understand if I needed sexual relief with another man, but he would find it difficult were I ever to betray his heart. This freedom we allow each other is one of the most empowering aspects of our relationship and I could never have imagined how well it would have worked. Rather than a license to shag around it serves more to make the other more precious. I am astounded to acknowledge that I have no wish to do anything to jeopardise what we have and I just know that PA would never do anything either. Maybe this sexual fidelity would have been more difficult had we been younger? For me, sex with this man I love with my heart, mind, body and soul has proven to be, without doubt, the best sex I have ever enjoyed. I cannot imagine any circumstances under which it could be better with anyone else. What kind of idiot would throw that away?
I mentioned that money is important. Not only do I need to be able to cover the bills when I am not earning, but I do need to be able to pay the fares monthly. Because I visit monthly we decided that I would pay the travel costs in addition to being unable to earn and he would cover my expenses once in France. This is what we aim for, but sometimes this arrangement has to be flexible. PA has been more than generous this past year while I have had to deal with other financial priorities.
As I see it, you have a few options, but none of them is going to be easy. If you both seriously think this can work as a relationship, you
have to plan for times to be together. If you don't have some time together you don't have a life partner, you have a penfriend. I can't begin to imagine how expensive it is going to be to travel between Louisiana and Indonesia, but you need a plan to make it all real. The very, very worst thing for me was during our early days together when I would return to England not knowing when I would be able to visit again. The emotional turmoil that creates can be unbearable. As it is, 3-5 weeks separation at a time can still be a trial, but at least we do know when we shall see each other again.
As Fred mentioned, a long-distance relationship still has all the challenges of any other relationship. I suspect these may have taken longer to surface in our case, but they are still there. We have to sort these in the short times we have together and I think we are probably quite good at doing this. I have never before known anyone with whom I can talk about anything and everything. PA is as wise a counsellor and friend in real life as he is on web forums! Once again it is so liberating knowing that whatever I say is not going to induce a massive hissy-fit. I believe the same is true for PA, but he would have to confirm that! That sense of liberation gives the relationship a firm foundation and a lot of confidence. That confidence reinforces trust.
Coming back to your question, only you will know what is right for you. I think you are right to acknowledge that there are difficulties in the way the relationship was born that may spill over. The extended periods of separation, the costs and the time you would need to donate to the relationship may require more resources than you have at your disposal. That you think of other people too may not be the problem you suspect. Moving from one relationship state to another does not all happen at once. The words may be there. The physical reality may be there. Even the heart may be there, but the habits we have developed up to that point need a while longer to change. It's a bit like learning a new skill. You need time for your changed status to develop its own "muscle-memory" while the new rules of engagement bed in.
Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
As for me ... just four days to go now before PA and I spend the whole of August and the first week of September together
Long distant relationships: do they have a chance?
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Libra
