I'm in a big trouble...

[unicorn]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, I'm writing here because I cant hold it in me and couldn't find beeter place to ask advice....

I was born and raised in post soviet country that has over 3000 year history and traditions, thus been atracted by same sex is not quit acceptable here, I've moved to neighbour country because of my firs guy that was my cousin... he sedused me when I was 9 and he 14... I've moved here because he did and started his own design company, he had some problems that he couldn't handle and I was still in love with him and moved too...

anyways, he got married 2 years ago and did all to get rid of me even thou I didn't do anything, but probably his countioes did...

during this 2 years I've met one guy and fell in love with him , I can say he found me. all would be great but he doesn't love me since I've expressed my feellings, before then we were like a couple.

he has some wind in his head and I think he's not ready for long term relationship...
the pproblem is that, we always fight because of my feelings and he's not giving me a chance, BUT I CANNOT FORGET HIM. it is unbearable for me to be on a disstance from him, and he knows that. after a fight with mty cousin I have moved to new appartament but since then I've got only proublems, everyone around me in this country tries to fool me at work or home. my landlords made some nasty problems (landlord is drinking a lot and once he told my coworkers that I'm a spy working for my country!!! imagine what happened at my office... I'm thanksful to God that he didn't say that I am allian) and I have moved, I haven't been paid for my job and was working only on promises last month, I've lost computer because I couldn't pay credit (I'm web designer and programmer) and I've got no money. everything seems realy horrible with no hope, it's like someone has cursed me, that everything went wrong. I dont know where to go and what to do. I've got no money to go back home and I've got no hope, only thing I can do is to pray.

worst part is that I know myself really good - I cant change, I love him and I cannot give up, even if I find money to go home I wont stay there, I love him too much and its really painful to me to be on a disstance...

please give me some advice because I think I'm going crazy... please plsease please

[marshlander]

Hello, unicorn, and welcome to GaySpeak.

Your problems sound very difficult and I am sorry I don't know how to advise you. I understand that life in the post-Soviet republics can be hard for gay people, but I don't know anything about the kind of support that might be available for helping you sort out your job situation. This seems to me to be the first thing to deal with. If you have no job you have no income and without that you really are trapped.

It might be a difficult decision to make, but could you take a different kind of job until you can earn enough money to buy another computer and then pick up the kind of work you want to do? At least that way you could also pay for food and rent and other essentials.

As to boyfriends ... both partners have to be willing. Sadly we can't make anyone else love us. It may be difficult without your partner, but you are going to have to let go to him live his own life if he doesn't want to share his life with you in the way you would like him to. It may take a long time to deal with your feelings for him, but you will have no peace until you are able to resume control.

Good luck to you.

[unicorn]

well, I'm sure that finding new job is firs priority and thanks to God I have receaved invitation... but what about my love?
I love him very very much... and I cannot forget hime, Ive tried lots of times... he is younger then me and I understand that it could be because of his age. I LOVE him more then air, how do you think, there is a saying that winners never giveup, if I wont giveup, maybe in few year I'll be able to be with him?... its easier for me to hope for something then to giveup... If I except that I've lost him forever I will not live!
time changes everything and everyone, maybe when he gets older he'll be able to love me? remember gone with the wind? in that book Scarlet O'hara hates Rad Buttler from the beggining but fells in love with hime at the end...
please give me hope... he is 7years older then me but unfortunatly has more expirianse then me... and cockroaches in head

[CurtCB]

I am sorry to tell but you said it yourself. He is married and has cockroaches in his head.
What kind of relationship do you think you would have?
He comes to you for sex then goes home to his wife?
I'll be the first to admit, it's hard to be be yourself, but it's better than living a lie.
You need to take a step back and look at him without love in your heart and then move on.

[unicorn]

you got it wrong, maybe that's because of my bad english... HE IS NOT MARRIED! I'm 24 and he is younger, but more expirianced in gay relationships then me, it could be problem for him to have one partner...
he is pretty nice and I think thats the problem, he has no problems with finding another partner, it is hard to describe our relationship in just 1,10 or 100 posts... I know him 2 years... one of the main problems is that he is... I'm sorry to say but underage, he is 16, even thou he looks older then me and when i first met him i thout he is 18-19. during those 2 years he changed over 15 partners (as far as i know). he thinks that he is OLD enough but I doubt it... I curse everything because I met him and periodicaly I'm going through hell, but some times our relationship looks like ideal... thats why i think that his age must be [roblem of his perodical change in mood and our fights... he trusts me but when he is angry he knows how to hurt me better then anyone... our common friends sometimes joke that we are like husband and wife, but simetimes he is like enemy and I don't know why... i don't know why I met him and fell in love so much with him.
I've lost a lot because of this love, I've done REALLY a lot for him, saved him from serious problems few times, even his life, but I cant stop, I'm ready to do anything for him. I know (and some of my friensds that know us both said the same) that if i show him that he has lost me and my support and care, he will realize how much i love him, but I cant be on a disstance, I need nothing but to see him... maybe thats madness but its true. I think about him continously whatever i do and wherever i am for last 2 years...
I cannot give up, I will die, if you can please pray for me and our relationship, I'm really tire of this periodical scandals - it ruins my life. I've tried suicide 7 time and I dont know why am i still alive, some one or miracle have saved me. I've taken dozes of pills (like 300-400 different medicines at once including packs of sleeping piles) but I somehow just digested all this. please pray for me ... and give advice

[CurtCB]

Unicorn. He is 16!! He is a child. How can you put your whole self worth into a hands of a child.
Dude what would killing yourself solve?
He will forget all about you within a year after your death
You you are gonna hate me for what I am about to say, but. The problem is not him, it's you.
You need to find some self esteem. Become your own person. Quit worrying about the world around you and become a little bit more self centered.

[unicorn]

dude, I appriciate your advice, I'm trying to work on my self esteem but need support...
I cannot leave him and live without him, I'm here to find support of people that will add me courage and understands me...
I'm in love and cannot see anything around, u might say - I'm blind... and thats true, but what is real love if you can give up that easily and forget? I'm not a toy and dont want to be, I just need support from people that know my situation. If I just run away and give up, that would mean that my love means nothing and I am looser. I just need YOUR support and advice, not about how should i forget him, but how can i fight for him. he is child- thats true, but I'll wait as long as it is needed to be with him. please if you can understand my love, lets talk on skype: unicorn_mx

[marshlander]

Oh dear unicorn You come here asking for our ideas, but only if they agree with what you have already decided you want?

You have given so much power to this sixteen year old that he must be loving it and hating it at the same time. If you are to stand any chance of enjoying a decent life (with him or without him) it sounds like he really needs some time to grow up. If, at sixteen, he has had many sexual partners and shows no intention of settling into a single relationship he is not ready for you.

On the other hand, what are you able to offer him? There seems to be little stability in your situation, you don't have a job (although my very best wishes for the one that may be coming your way soon) and the way you express yourself makes you seem very needy emotionally. I cannot imagine that anyone, specially a sixteen year old, finds very appealing the prospect of being saddled with someone who has so many difficulties. If I were in his situation I would feel as though I were being stalked and would run a mile.

You say you love him and I must accept that, but the way you describe your love sounds like an addict would describe his next fix. It really doesn't sound healthy. The best suggestion I can come up with is that you continue to do what you are doing to get your own circumstances sorted. I really hope the job comes through for you. Concentrate on that and perhaps on working towards re-establishing your web-design and programming work. Be someone that will make your lover proud ... when he grows up enough to realise what a lovely man you really are.

I'm sorry you are also having to deal with all the racism as well. That sounds tough. I spend a lot of my time in my partner's country but, thankfully, I don't think I have ever encountered the sort of problems you are having.

Good luck!

[unicorn]

Thanks,
I think that my job problem and appartament problems are stabilizing now... I have job offer that is payd 5 times more then I had before I hope that will go well, what about racism, I think its quite right, I grew up in Orthodox Christian country with strong understanding of friendship, honesty and humanity but its hard for me to find people like that, I dont have friends here because lot of them betraid and used me when they had chance, friends that i have here are mostly from uk or usa, unfortunatly all of them are here as a part of Christian missions and i cannot imagine to talk to them about my problems.. I fear that they will not except my views. most of all i need is some people to open my heart. thats why I came here.
when I met him I was pretty much independent and had enough income to take care of him also, giving him nive presents and etc.
I think, the problem that is in our relationship is because he can see my difficulties and realizes that some of them are because of him... when he had sirious problems he needed money, I gave money for my future project that knoked me off (I knew what i was putting on scales), but i couldnt leave him helpless. last time we spoke, I think his attitude was to brake up with me, because he didnt want me to have problems anymore, but life is build on problems, I'll do all my best fight my way.
you are right, it sounds like I'm addicted to him, even though we didnt have sexual relationships for a long time. I just really nead friends that will understand me and cheer me up, pray for me and support me. last few days i've realized that I cannot giveup, so i just need your advices how to change my life and how should i change to be with him...

thanks again