Cancer
Today, 05:58 AM
Been in a straight relationship for over 20 years now. I never had any sexual attraction to men and I still don't.
But since a few years, I've noticed something that has always been inside me and that I've come to appreciate more and more. As much I'm sexually attracted to women, I'm even more aroused by big hard cocks. I think it's the kind of arrousal that comes from the forbidden fruit. The "OMG" I should not be turned on by this but hell I am. To be clear, I don't find men attractive, like at all. But the idea of being secretly bi excites me a lot.
As I said, this has always been there, I just didn't noticed until recently. Back when I started watching porn, I remember that the bigger the dick pounding the girl in the video, the bigger my orgasm was. I also discovered early that blowjobs where one of my favorite things to watch. And then, as the years passed, I began to watch a lot of gangbangs. It was unconscious at the time, but the more big cocks penetrating the girl, the more excited I was.
I've always been in "straight" boring relationships. My girlfriend in super cute and I love her very much. But she has never been the real horny type neither adventurous in bed. Just regular basic 3-4 position sex. And as the years went by, I needed more thrill but I didn't want to loose her. So I started exploring in solo mode with porn again.
But then again, porn is great, but I missed the thrill of trying new things. So I started filming and taking pictures of myself masturbating in various places. It began in the bathroom, but it quickly spread out to lots of places. I had a huge thrill filming myself masturbating in empty "public places". My goal was never to get caught so I was very cautious. Empty offices at work during some overtime on the weekend. I would get completely naked a film myself while masturbating in places I knew there was no camera. In my car, I would park on an empty road, get fully naked, start the camera then get out of my car to cum on the road.
I would the come home and watch the video to masturbate many times watching it. I know this sounds absurdly narcissistic and it is. But I was jerking of to the thrill more than myself I think. That when I realized that I was masturbating for the first time to a video without any women in it. It was like I was watching soft porn of a dude jacking off.
So I became curious to see if I would get the same arrousal watching another man jerk off. Turns out that no, I wasn't unless the guy has a big hard dick. That's when it clicked for me. I like big penises.
This was my new thrill of the moment. I began to watch gay porn especially the "big cock blowjob" type. And I must admit that it turned me on more than I thought. And I think that it has been long enough now that I almost exclusively masturbate to gay porn that I need to admit that I'm questioning myself. I get super excited thinking it could be me sucking that big fat cock. Recently, it was itching me so much, that I bought two super realistic dildos and filmed myself taking one in the ass while sucking the other. The dildos are kind of big and I thought it would hurt, but I really enjoyed taking it all up the ass while trying to deepthroat the other.
Now I don't even know where I stand with all of this. I still have zero interest toward men, and girls still arouse me a lot. But these things that I do in secret are really messing with my understanding of what I really want and need. My girlfriend has no clue and things are as good as usual with her. But in secret, I wish I could find real big dicks to suck on vigorously.
(I know porn addiction is my main problem here haha but it's the only addiction that I did not give up yet and frankly life would be a bit boring without it)
But since a few years, I've noticed something that has always been inside me and that I've come to appreciate more and more. As much I'm sexually attracted to women, I'm even more aroused by big hard cocks. I think it's the kind of arrousal that comes from the forbidden fruit. The "OMG" I should not be turned on by this but hell I am. To be clear, I don't find men attractive, like at all. But the idea of being secretly bi excites me a lot.
As I said, this has always been there, I just didn't noticed until recently. Back when I started watching porn, I remember that the bigger the dick pounding the girl in the video, the bigger my orgasm was. I also discovered early that blowjobs where one of my favorite things to watch. And then, as the years passed, I began to watch a lot of gangbangs. It was unconscious at the time, but the more big cocks penetrating the girl, the more excited I was.
I've always been in "straight" boring relationships. My girlfriend in super cute and I love her very much. But she has never been the real horny type neither adventurous in bed. Just regular basic 3-4 position sex. And as the years went by, I needed more thrill but I didn't want to loose her. So I started exploring in solo mode with porn again.
But then again, porn is great, but I missed the thrill of trying new things. So I started filming and taking pictures of myself masturbating in various places. It began in the bathroom, but it quickly spread out to lots of places. I had a huge thrill filming myself masturbating in empty "public places". My goal was never to get caught so I was very cautious. Empty offices at work during some overtime on the weekend. I would get completely naked a film myself while masturbating in places I knew there was no camera. In my car, I would park on an empty road, get fully naked, start the camera then get out of my car to cum on the road.
I would the come home and watch the video to masturbate many times watching it. I know this sounds absurdly narcissistic and it is. But I was jerking of to the thrill more than myself I think. That when I realized that I was masturbating for the first time to a video without any women in it. It was like I was watching soft porn of a dude jacking off.
So I became curious to see if I would get the same arrousal watching another man jerk off. Turns out that no, I wasn't unless the guy has a big hard dick. That's when it clicked for me. I like big penises.
This was my new thrill of the moment. I began to watch gay porn especially the "big cock blowjob" type. And I must admit that it turned me on more than I thought. And I think that it has been long enough now that I almost exclusively masturbate to gay porn that I need to admit that I'm questioning myself. I get super excited thinking it could be me sucking that big fat cock. Recently, it was itching me so much, that I bought two super realistic dildos and filmed myself taking one in the ass while sucking the other. The dildos are kind of big and I thought it would hurt, but I really enjoyed taking it all up the ass while trying to deepthroat the other.
Now I don't even know where I stand with all of this. I still have zero interest toward men, and girls still arouse me a lot. But these things that I do in secret are really messing with my understanding of what I really want and need. My girlfriend has no clue and things are as good as usual with her. But in secret, I wish I could find real big dicks to suck on vigorously.
(I know porn addiction is my main problem here haha but it's the only addiction that I did not give up yet and frankly life would be a bit boring without it)
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
