Could it be

[LucasM2345]

Been in a straight relationship for over 20 years now. I never had any sexual attraction to men and I still don't.

But since a few years, I've noticed something that has always been inside me and that I've come to appreciate more and more. As much I'm sexually attracted to women, I'm even more aroused by big hard cocks. I think it's the kind of arrousal that comes from the forbidden fruit. The "OMG" I should not be turned on by this but hell I am. To be clear, I don't find men attractive, like at all. But the idea of being secretly bi excites me a lot.

As I said, this has always been there, I just didn't noticed until recently. Back when I started watching porn, I remember that the bigger the dick pounding the girl in the video, the bigger my orgasm was. I also discovered early that blowjobs where one of my favorite things to watch. And then, as the years passed, I began to watch a lot of gangbangs. It was unconscious at the time, but the more big cocks penetrating the girl, the more excited I was.

I've always been in "straight" boring relationships. My girlfriend in super cute and I love her very much. But she has never been the real horny type neither adventurous in bed. Just regular basic 3-4 position sex. And as the years went by, I needed more thrill but I didn't want to loose her. So I started exploring in solo mode with porn again.

But then again, porn is great, but I missed the thrill of trying new things. So I started filming and taking pictures of myself masturbating in various places. It began in the bathroom, but it quickly spread out to lots of places. I had a huge thrill filming myself masturbating in empty "public places". My goal was never to get caught so I was very cautious. Empty offices at work during some overtime on the weekend. I would get completely naked a film myself while masturbating in places I knew there was no camera. In my car, I would park on an empty road, get fully naked, start the camera then get out of my car to cum on the road.

I would the come home and watch the video to masturbate many times watching it. I know this sounds absurdly narcissistic and it is. But I was jerking of to the thrill more than myself I think. That when I realized that I was masturbating for the first time to a video without any women in it. It was like I was watching soft porn of a dude jacking off.

So I became curious to see if I would get the same arrousal watching another man jerk off. Turns out that no, I wasn't unless the guy has a big hard dick. That's when it clicked for me. I like big penises.

This was my new thrill of the moment. I began to watch gay porn especially the "big cock blowjob" type. And I must admit that it turned me on more than I thought. And I think that it has been long enough now that I almost exclusively masturbate to gay porn that I need to admit that I'm questioning myself. I get super excited thinking it could be me sucking that big fat cock. Recently, it was itching me so much, that I bought two super realistic dildos and filmed myself taking one in the ass while sucking the other. The dildos are kind of big and I thought it would hurt, but I really enjoyed taking it all up the ass while trying to deepthroat the other.

Now I don't even know where I stand with all of this. I still have zero interest toward men, and girls still arouse me a lot. But these things that I do in secret are really messing with my understanding of what I really want and need. My girlfriend has no clue and things are as good as usual with her. But in secret, I wish I could find real big dicks to suck on vigorously.

(I know porn addiction is my main problem here haha but it's the only addiction that I did not give up yet and frankly life would be a bit boring without it)

[andy]

Hi @LucasM2345, As the forum webmaster, I'm here to offer some impartial advice on what you've shared. It takes a lot of courage to articulate such personal and evolving feelings, and this forum is absolutely a safe space for you to explore them.

Understanding Your Feelings
What you're describing sounds like a journey of self-discovery, which is a powerful and often complex process. It's not uncommon for people, regardless of their age or relationship status, to uncover new aspects of their sexuality over time. The fact that you're questioning things now, after a long-term straight relationship, simply means you're becoming more attuned to your own desires.

Sexual Attraction vs. Romantic Attraction
It sounds like you're experiencing a distinction between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. You mention still being romantically and sexually attracted to women, but you're finding a distinct sexual arousal specifically from large penises and the act of engaging with them. This doesn't necessarily mean you're romantically attracted to men, and that's okay. Sexuality is fluid and can be very specific. There are many terms people use to describe themselves in similar situations, such as heteroflexible, bi-curious, or simply someone with a very specific fetish or kink that happens to involve male anatomy. What's most important is how you define it and what feels authentic to you.

Exploring Your Desires Safely
It's clear you're seeking thrill and new experiences. Your exploration with filming yourself in public places, while understandable as a pursuit of excitement, carries significant risks. It's crucial to prioritise your safety and legal well-being. Getting caught in such situations could have serious consequences, impacting your personal life, relationships, and even your employment.

If you're looking for thrills and ways to explore these new desires, consider avenues that prioritise safety, consent, and legality. This could include:

Exploring specific online communities: There are many communities dedicated to kink and fetish exploration where you can connect with others who share similar interests in a safe, anonymous, and consensual online environment.

Considering adult entertainment venues (if legal and safe in your area): For some, this might be a way to explore without personal risk.

Private, consensual experiences: If and when you decide to explore these desires with another person, ensure it is always consensual, private, and safe.

Navigating Your Relationship
You've been in a long-term relationship, and it sounds like you value your girlfriend very much. The gap between your current desires and the intimacy you share with her is a significant point. It's a personal decision how and if you choose to address this with her. Some people decide to keep these aspects of their sexuality private, while others find open communication to be essential for their relationship's health, even if it's challenging. There are also relationship models, such as open relationships or polyamory, that some couples explore to accommodate diverse desires, but these require very honest and extensive communication and consent from all parties involved.

Considering Professional Support
You mentioned "porn addiction," and while this forum isn't the place for professional diagnoses, if you feel your current behaviours surrounding porn or sexual exploration are becoming compulsive, causing distress, or impacting your life negatively, speaking with a sex-positive therapist or counsellor could be incredibly beneficial. They can help you navigate these complex feelings, understand your desires, and develop healthy coping mechanisms without judgement. They can also provide guidance on navigating your relationship if you choose to discuss these topics with your girlfriend.

Ultimately, what you're experiencing is a part of who you are, and it's a journey of self-discovery. Take your time, be kind to yourself, and prioritise your safety and well-being as you explore these new facets of your sexuality.