20 yr old not sure what to do.

[circledot]

Hey guys just looking for some advice and maybe someone that i could relate to. I'm 20 years old. single , working full time saving money for school. I have had feelings for boys for around... well a while but my focus swayed back and forth between boys and girls for quite some time. My first crush was on my best friend in elementary school. for some reason I never thought it was valid and went on to pursue girls until i was about 17. After finally spending enough nights with an openly gay friend of mine we hooked up. we didn't go all the way but we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I really liked it. So still finding myself attracted to girls I decided I was a bisexual. I was very careful to keep this fact to myself because I was not sure and felt kind of slutty. since i liked both boys and girls that just meant I would take whatever I could get. that boy and i hooked up a couple more times but i eventually left to start dating girls for another...3ish years. and now here i am 20, never been in a serious relationship, still sort of attracted to girls but have been really looking at guys a lot the past 6-12 months. I dont cum anymore when I have sex. the girls love it because i go until they are tired but i really dont enjoy it at all. sometimes afterward I'm just left with a sad empty feeling... idk just confused and scared that if i even act on anything my friends, family will find out. and what if it turns out im not even gay?!?! you know what if i just go back to dating girls again?... idk another thing that terrifies me is that i work in a very homophobic environment. like i could possibly get fired for this post. and that sucks i keep my mouth shut but even if i date guys i would have to keep it a total secret... oh and unrelated question but are there any other gay skateboarders? just ... idk wondering. doubt it but that would be really cool. so yeah questions, comments, advice, criticism, whatever thanks for any posts.

[marshlander]

I don't know how well I can answer some of your questions, but maybe I can offer one or two observations? Twenty is not that old and I would guess there are many of your age who have not yet enjoyed a "serious relationship".

More people are probably attracted to both sexes than would readily admit. Because I was married for many years I assumed (once I started admitting to myself that there was more to my feelings about other men) I was bisexual. It took finding and falling for another man before I could acknowledge that these feelings ran far deeper than anything I could experience with a woman. It seems to me that being bisexual is potentially the best, but most probably the worst, of all possible worlds. If you are bisexual it is possible that you will continue to swing backwards and forwards between men and women. It is also possible that you may eventually settle on a preference for either male or female company. I suspect, though, that the bisexual person is uniquely placed to form his or her relationships based on feelings for another person. That is, in some ways, more honest than those of us who deny 50% of the population a chance because the biology is wrong!

That empty feeling you describe is one I know very well. I went through a period of seeing lots of men and I always felt so badly afterward that I promised I would never do that again ... but I always did. For me it was the sex without anything deeper to give it roots that caused that empty, worthless feeling.

I'm not sure what kind of work you have and from which you could be fired for writing to this forum. I thought freedom of speech was considered pretty important in the USA? Living under a cloud of guilt, shame and fear is no way to live. I think we probably have others here from Georgia, who may have more of a handle on life down south ... maybe even another skateboarder After a while though, living under those sort of pressures simply becomes exhausting and too much of that can lead you into a mild depression. Some people find that salvation comes in being able to move to a larger city, where they can find others more like them and, and the same time, live more anonymously. Getting away from daily contact with the family and establishing your own life could make a difference.

I wish you well and wish that I had something more positive to offer. Hopefully others here will have more of an insight into your situation.

Good luck!

[fredv3b]

Here's my tuppence worth...

Sounds to me like you are sexually attracted to both boys and girls, so you meet the technical definition of being bisexual. (Being bisexual doesn't necessarily mean having no sexual preference between boys and girls i.e. being exactly 50/50, just that you are attracted, to some degree, to both).

However there is much more to life than just sex. What about romantic feelings? if you were to go out on a date knowing that it would not lead to sex, would you want to go out with a boy or a girl? You might decide you want to pursue girls or boys based on what they do for you outside of the bedroom.

idk just confused and scared that if i even act on anything my friends, family will find out. and what if it turns out im not even gay?!?! you know what if i just go back to dating girls again?

Then I suggest that you keep things discreet for now. All gay men grew up on the closet, we know what its like. Some may think you should come out, others wouldn't date someone who isn't out, but, I hope and believe, we would respect its your choice if and when to come out.

idk another thing that terrifies me is that i work in a very homophobic environment. like i could possibly get fired for this post. and that sucks i keep my mouth shut but even if i date guys i would have to keep it a total secret

I'm not sure what kind of work you have and from which you could be fired for writing to this forum. I thought freedom of speech was considered pretty important in the USA?

I think what circledot was referring to is that should his employer discover that he is gay/bi (because of this post or for other reasons) he/she could fire him. Many states in the US don't prohibit employer form making hiring/firing decisions based on sexual orientation (unlike race), neither do they require an employer to show good evidence that an employee they fired was bad at their job.

[circledot]

Well thanks so much guys any other thoughts would b greatly appreciated but for now I think I'm just going to keep living and hope that I meet someone nice. I really like the whole moving idea though... Idk we will see thanks again!!!

[peterinmalaga]

Whatever you do I think you should not let your life be ruled by other people’s prejudices or even by other people’s values. It’s YOUR life. You do not have to justify yourself to other people (unless you have affected them in a way that they are really unhappy with). I am sure you have the sense to stay in the closet, if coming out would adversely affect your career. At 20 I think it is a good idea to move away from home regardless of issues of sexuality. There is no need to label yourself (or let yourself be labelled by other people) if you don’t want to. You only need a label (gay, bi etc) if you are in a relationship. You can’t always control feelings of guilt but there is really no reason to feel guilty if you have done no harm to another person. If you are not in a relationship casual sex might be a necessary stage for you to go through to find out what you really want. So enjoy and keep it safe. On the issue of ejaculation: do you cum when you masturbate? (No answer needed!) If you do, then the problem is entirely in your mind. Hope I have not confused you with all this!

[ardus]

Wow, can I relate or what

I'm Bisexual, and I am a Soldier in the United States Army, and an Infantryman at that. I live in what is probably the most anti homosexual/bisexual environment in the world. However, I know of at least one other soldier in my Battalion who is Bisexual. I'd like to be able to talk to him about tuff but I don't know him well enough to know if I can trust him, so I keep my secret. It's difficult, there are people in my squad that I am attracted to, but I am a professional and I don't act on those impulses. As far as my advice, I am not sure what to tell you. I think all people should be true to themselves, but I am a realist and I know that there are plenty of situations in which people like us cannot be true to themselves openly. I hope that you are able to balance things, I know that I have had trouble doing it. I recently hit on a friend when I was really drunk who's completely straight. Not a good idea but he's a good enough person that he didn't tell anyone else about it. To me though its a signal that I am getting too comfortable with the people around me, and that I need to move on. I hate to say that because it sounds so much like I'm not for real, but the fact of the matter is that there is no realistic way to live my life as a bisexual man in the US Army openly. I wish for a better society where everyone is accepted but we don't have that in the US. Homosexuality/Bisexuality is the last acceptable prejudice in the USA.
Richard

[needspeak]

So, what's the problem?
As I've understood - you have already decided for yourself, that you like both boys and girls. And the same time you are afraid of returning back to dating only girls... Does it really matter? Just date whoever you like - if you like boy - date him, if it's girl - why not?
You've told about your open gay friend - if he is open and you have some common friends - why not to try to come out to them? maybe it would be easier for you

[circledot]

need speak that is exactly what i needed to hear thank you... so simple haha

[needspeak]

check your pm )

[fredv3b]

To me though its a signal that I am getting too comfortable with the people around me, and that I need to move on.

Sad situation