Going mad with worry!!

[Mikebmth]

Hi all, Im kinda new on here but I really need some good advice.

I am bisexual with a preference towards guys and Im dating a slightly older than me Tv who I get on with perfectly.

My problem being my friends know im bi but my family does not. So first off my mum is a Christian and believes homosexuality is not acceptable within her religion and although I think she knows I am having a real hard time trying to tell her.

My other big problem is she has seen a picture of my Tv partner who is very convincing and she believes my partner is female and wants to meet her as I have been with my partner for 7 months now. My partner has no problem with meeting my family dressed but I think my mum and step dad who is also religious and homophobic will freak out.

What do I do, I have to find a way to tell her soon or im gonna lose the plot!!

Any genuine replies welcomed.

Thanks

Mike in Bournemouth

[marshlander]

Hello, Mike, and welcome to the site. mile:

Wow, you've rated pretty highly on just about every indicator in a freak the folks competition! Congratulations on your relationship reaching this far, though. How has your partner dealt with the situation in the past? I assume this may not be the first time? I really have no experience to call on to help you out. Is it fair to suggest that you do have a word with the parents before the first meeting and that your partner perhaps wears something that is not too confrontational that first time? Sadly, tv people have not really entered the popular consciousness in any serious way and, although we are getting more used to seeing, for example, Grayson Perry on television, I doubt his dress sensibility is entirely representative.

Being a Christian is, sadly, your mother's cross to bear. Jesus offered no guidance whatsoever on how we treat minority sexualities. All he said was to love our neighbours and turn the other cheek if someone offends us. I think both suggestions would be an appropriate response in this situation from a person who has allied themselves with Christians. Of course, we are unable to dictate how another should respond and we all know how the Bible messages of Jesus have been perverted.

Do you and your family and your partner, have a sense of humour? We can often tackle difficult areas if we can find something funny. Part of the key to this is I think how you approach it. If you can find enough confidence to share your news, allay fears, assure your parents you are the same lovely man you always were and that your partner makes you very happy without sounding either apologetic or confrontational about it you might have a very good balance.

My first response to any difficulty is to resort to music. Without wishing to parody your difficult situation, I'd probably put one of my favourite pop songs, Lola by The Kinks, on repeat play until someone asked questions

[Mr.Dude]

I assumed the worst concerning my parents but they took everything surprisingly well all things considered. Despite what your parents may think Im sure that they love you and may come to embrace you, you being their son and all.

[Mikebmth]

Hi guys thanx for the kind messages.

In response to your advice Marshlander, my partner in his last relationship was accepted by his partners family as he was out already but my fear is probably not coming out as much as explaining that I am in a relationship with a male tv partner and have been for quite some time.

This is my second relationship with a transgenered person but my first partner was a pre-op transexual who was all too feminine in everyway and no one ever sussed us, in fact some of my straight friends wanted to bed her!!...lol

In someway I think I just have to build the courage to tell my mother and hopefully not my stepdad as we dont get along anyway that I am bisexual but I am dating a trans male and am planing as my partner is to move in together and make our relationship full time.

Thanks anyways guys it really does help having people to talk too.

Take care for now and see ya in the forums again!!

Mike

[peterinmalaga]

Hi Mike,
I am really not too sure what to say to you, except welcome, of course. My experience is not the same but anyway here goes. A few years ago I had a boyfriend whose family didn't want to know that he was gay – well, that's what he said and I think he was right. He moved in with me and he and I used to go and see his Mum every week together. She knew we were living together and I feel fairly sure she knew we were a gay couple but she didn't want to talk about it, I think: my boyfriend had three brothers and a sister and they all seemed to have the same attitude. I think the sister might have been OK about our sexuality but we never said anything. When I went to visit with him I was always made very welcome but we always kept stumm about being gay. That worked OK for a year or more until one day I said something like “Come on, love, we'd better go home now” or something like that: I actually have no recollection of saying it but the bf said I did. After that he never took me along to see his family any more. What I'm saying here is that some people can cope with gay friends and relatives but don't want to talk about it. I don't really like that and I wouldn't accept that from most people but your Mum is your Mum and perhaps you need to do whatever it takes to make the relationship with her work, even if it compromises your personal integrity.
Why do you think you will “lose the plot” if you don't tell your Mum? I would weigh against that the possibility that she might reject you and your partner if you do come out to her. You know she is prejudiced. Whatever the consequences of your coming out are, you will have to live with them afterwards. I think that every case is unique. Yours is not simply a question of coming out and THAT is why you say “I am having a real hard time trying to tell her”. Sometimes when you are not sure what to do, it's better to do nothing. This is not a question of chickening out, it's more about weighing up priorities.
This is not my advice to you, it's my opinion about what I would do in your situation. We're all different, thank god.
Peter

[Mikebmth]

Hi Peter, thank you for the kind advice. You are correct in saying its not just coming out as I actually think my mum already kinda knows that I prefer guys but telling her I am dating a Transgender guy who is on hormones and is very feminine but still very boyish when not dressed is killing me slightly.

I am now wondering whether to tell her before or after xmas as she wants to buy my partner a xmas present.

I very recently chickened out though when my mum called on my mobile when me and my partner were cuddled up watching tv together as she asked if my partner was there to speak to.

My main problem is I dont know if my mum will understand the fact that although I like guys I am totally head over heels with my trans partner, and the fact that if she doesnt accept it that I will seperate myself from my mother to be with my partner who I believe to be my soulmate.

I hope this explains things a little better, so do I tell her before or after xmas?

[peterinmalaga]

Hi Mike,
Christmas, as I'm sure you're aware can be a pretty stressful time for many people. My partner and I don't do Christmas any more. Strangely, here in Spain, it's easier to ignore Christmas and we do. We go off to the Sierra whatever and have a long walk with the dogs and then go on to a restaurant in a village in the mountains. It's still like summer here then. What would it be like spending Christmas knowing that your Mum had just cut you out of her life? Of course that's the worst case scenario but actually any sort of friction is best avoided at Christmas, I think. January is only 9 weeks away or so. Can't you wait till then? Perhaps it would be best for you (alone or together with your partner) to just spend part of the day with your Mum and the rest with your partner and/or partner's family? If I were in your position I wouldn't say anything before Christmas day whether you are going to turn up at Mum's house as a couple or as 2 good friends. If you have only gone round for a mince pie and a glass of something, it would be relatively easy to keep your visit short, if that turns out to be the best option. If the visit goes well, there's bound to be enough turkey and stuff around for you to stay longer and eat with them. I know you're bound to worry but try not to worry too much. How other people react to you is out of your hands – you're not responsible for that. Obviously I don't know your Mum, so I would not advise you to do as I suggest: I just offer my opinion to stimulate some thought. I actually think that Marshie's idea of treating the situation as humorous could just work at Christmas, if things get tricky. I shall think of you when I'm sipping my Rioja!
Peter

[Mikebmth]

Thanks again Peter,

My partner however wont be with me on christmas day as we currently live apart by 70 miles so he is spending time with some friends on xmas day and im doing the family thing...yawn..lol

However I am spending new year and boxing day with my partner and we are now discussing me finding work in his area so we can be together as a f/t couple which in my eyes we are but we dont see enough of each other and it hurts to be apart.

Maybe I will wait till the new year to break my silence although if I have a rioja to many I may just spill the roasted chestnuts...lol

[peterinmalaga]

Just make sure you've got the number of a good taxi service if you spill the chestnuts! These are hot chestnuts, you know.