OK I think I''l go fucking crazy

[mnastoski]

I simply thought that the feelings will simply fade away or something but instead I really dont know what to do.I dont want to sound boring so i'll make it short.I have this friend who ended up being my soulmate.We practically clicked together and we do evreting together and of course he doesnt know that I am gay(well almost no one knows that i like guys since i come from a small town and you know the rest...)
The problem is that at first i thought that the feelings will go away cuz there is no way i will sacrifice my friendship for anything.But its been too long and now i really know that its not a crash or infatuation.The feelings keep growing every single day and all that i can think all day long is him, and nothing else, he is evrything to me, i love every bit of him.I keep trembling and my stomach is turning when i think of him(and I think of him 24 hours a day).I think like i'll really gonna go crazy, its too much for me.
But to make it even more complicated I am on methadone maintenance program for almost a year and i am a registered nurse as well.I am reasonably stable on the program.WE actually met together at the methadone center.There is no one else that could get you better than someone who's been through the same things like you.
And I can feel that there is somethng between us, and i know that he can feel it as well, cuz he told me so.He's told me that he cant wait to see me evry single time and its very strange but there is some positive tension between us.I dont fucking know what to do.Once he even told me that he feels like he would kiss me with his tongue.I dont want to end up using him, and i think i could use him sexually if we were to be intoxicated with a bit more methadone.That doesnt seem to be fair.I am in HELL.
The other thing that i fear is that i would do something stupid like get high with other narcotics, although i am clean from other opiates for the last 3 months except the methadone.
I would sincerely appreciate any comments since there is no one that i could talk to about this(even my shrink) cuz they dont know that i am gay.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Hi there mnastoski.
Dont want you to think youre being ignored.
Just I am so exhausted right now and will respond with more when I can.

#1. NOT sure why things havent moved forward already

#2. TALK to your shrink. If you are not comfortable with this person (doctor?) then find another (if your insurance allows) or use a phone gay crisis hotline (hopefully available in your area).

#3. Try to take it easy. Relax. Let your feelings envelope you. When the time is right I am sure that your soul mate will follow the same path - no matter what that path is that you two are on.

later,
frank[/COLOR]

[peterinmalaga]

Hi mnastoski,
It's great that you're managing the drugs now and it's great that you have come out of the closet. You don't have to tell everyone obviously, just admitting it to yourself is a big step. I think that you could give this guy a really big hint about your feelings for him. Now how about this for a chat-up line: “You remember you said you could kiss me with your tongue? (He then says yes). Well I've been thinking about that and I think I would like to give that a try. What do you say?” If he does not want to do it, just laugh it off and tell him you've probably taken too much methadone.
You can probably think of a better way of doing this but it sounds like you just have to do it now before you do go crazy! I would not use the word “gay”. That might freak him out. I would just try to get him involved with you physically/sexually. Another idea would be to pick an argument with him – nothing really serious – and get into a fight with him (again nothing serious, more playful). Then when you are up close and physical, you could try the line about the kiss, perhaps.
Come on now. Go for it! You two already share a secret: I'm sure he wouldn't say anything to other people, even if he didn't want a sexual relationship with you. You might regret it for the rest of your life, if you don't make a move. And if it turns out that he really fancies you too, it could be the beginning of something really big. But please don't take more drugs just to give you the courage.
Just do it! And don't forget to tell us what happens. We like a happy ending.
Un besito!
Peter

[marshlander]

The whole infatuation routine can be very debilitating. You know you want to get on with life, but your head and hormones won't let it go. If you can't flush this man out of your system with displacement activities or by giving the feelings enough time to whither away your only option is to take a chance and see where it goes.

I'm sorry, while I know too much about an infatuation like this, I have no experience with the difference that bringing drugs into the equation might have. I hope you find a way through this without causing yourself too much further anxiety.

If you were able to do it a short break in a remote, romantic location might give you both some time to see what happens. Are you tied to the clinic on a daily basis?

Congratulations on reaching your three month marker!

[mnastoski]

OK guys i just wanna let you know that i appreciate your comments tremendously, especially because i cant really talk to anyone about my problem, cuz i come from a very small place, and people are interested in evreryone's life and i would be major topic if they find out stuff.
First i wanna say thanx to Peter and your are right i gotta do something, I trully cant bear it anymore.
I go to the methadone clinic twice a week, we actually both go together, we basically catch the train and travell for about 40 min to a neighbouring town where they have the clinic.So you could suppose how small my town is!WE both go twice a week only because we are pretty disciplined and dont take other drugs, otherwise we will be going every single day.Ok to be honest sometimes it would happen to take a bit more mathadon or some weed, but not very often.
SO my major concern is that i dont want to use him if we were to be a bit more intoxicated, cuz its just dont sound right.I know that i could get physical with him, but i dont want one night of sex ad thats it, he means more to me.
Also thanx to Frank and the marshlander.
So tomorrow i am going to the clinic and i cant wait to see him.I mean the anticipation and the anxiety until i see him and then BOOM.I can bet that he feels something too,its obvious, its like an aura of attraction both physical and mental.He told me that he wakes up happy in bed when we are about to see each other.
Thanx again evrebody, just wish me luck, i gotta do something soon , and if he could return just a bit love to me and i could have him i'll be the happiest man alive.
I'll let you know what happens.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Hey mnastoski I think something very special has already happened between you two. It may not be the physical two gay men desire but seems you both have a special love for one another. Who knows what the future will hold but try to enjoy what you have now.
Good luck with it all and let us know how it goes [/COLOR]

[gaygay33]

Sounds pretty complicated, but is your only concern that you'll get high and use him instead of waiting for both of you to fall inlove?

I think that you should really stay away from any other drugs. I'm not sure what it's like where you live, but you are lucky that you only have to go to the methadone clinic twice a week. Where I live, if you need methadone for narcotics then you have to go every single day and they only give it to you in liquid form and you have to drink it right in front of them.

That's pretty dumb and that's why I didn't chose Methadone, I went on a medication called Suboxone where they can give you a scrpt.

But I wonder if I should have went to the clinic, maybe I would have fell inlove!! Damit

But good luck

[marshlander]

Good luck indeed.