Am I being punished for being gay?

[gaygay33]

I don't want this to be a pitty party post for myself so if it ends up that way, I'm really sorry.
*and please excuse the sucky grammar etc. I really don't want to fix it*
I remember being in a chat room a few years ago and this guy said to me that he used to be gay and depressed. But he said he was no longer gay because when he was gay he was depressed. So however he changed himself is beyond me.

I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished like that guy had told me. I alwayd feel a huge emptiness/void in my stomach and I'm sick of it. I've self medicated with narcotics/drugs/pills etc and I know that can't be the answer?

If you don't know what if feels like just think about the time you lost someone close to you, then take those feelings and triple them. That's how I feel most of the time and I'm starting to believe if I turn straight it might fix it?

I'm in therapy and I did drug rehab. That's great and everything but pills don't fix everything. So I'm just wondering how any of you dealt with this. I've been dealing with this for about 15 LONG years and I came out when I was 21. Yeah all the "Kid stuff" happened to me (physical, sexual, emotional) abuse but I am having a hard time that that is what's causing me to feel this way because it was when I was 8-14 and I'm 33 now, so it was decades ago. Something like that can't haunt me for the rest of my life.

I just don't even know where to start to turn straight after being gay for all these years but if that guy is so happy from turning straight then?????

[Kiid]

personally I'm happy and gay. When i was in the closet I was kinda depressed but now I happy. You just got to find something that makes you happy. for me its being around people.

[circledot]

in those 15 years of depression has drug/alcohol abuse been present? I feel like that would be a much more logical source of your pain. trying to change who you are will never work or solve anything. changing your actions and eventually attitude will. give the sober lifestyle a shot (take everything they say with a grain of salt i was told being bisexual was a side effect of my drug abuse) and be yourself, get a hobby, make friends that you aren't trying to bang and idk... smile please whats the point in wasting time being unhappy. it feels insurmountable at times but you can do this!!

[marshlander]

in those 15 years of depression ... and be yourself, get a hobby, make friends that you aren't trying to bang and idk... smile please whats the point in wasting time being unhappy. it feels insurmountable at times but you can do this!!

Depression doesn't obey commands like that. It saps everything including at times the will to carry on living. Anyone who has never suffered has no idea that you cannot tell someone to buck up and get on with life. Sometimes it's a struggle just to get to the end of the day.

For me therapy and prescribed drugs got me to a stage where I began to take each day as best I could. I was lucky. I was even luckier to have met PA. He is not a medical practitioner, but he knows how to help by instinct, if ever I dip into one of those dark places. Over the years we have been together those times really have become fewer and further between. Sometimes I worry that I put too great a burden on him, but he continues to put up with me. :redface:

My opinion is that trying to live a straight life and denying that I was gay for a great part of my life caused me many problems. It was only when I accepted who I was that I eventually found which way to go to find some light. For some people in the ex-gay movement they claim the opposite. However, there are many who have attempted therapy to straighten them out who simply cannot change ... nor should they. It seems very cruel to hold out the prospect of a non-existant cure to people who really don't need curing at all.

Big hugs to you gg33. May you find someone with whom to share your journey and may your future begin to look brighter.

YOU ARE NOT BEING PUNISHED FOR BEING GAY!!!!!!

[joseph]

you are alloued to be gay it is not bad being gay. but it if you was sad it is very very hard and if tablits and talkingdocter and you family that.to help you. and your frineds. it is so bad beinbg sad like. i hope it helped/

[fredv3b]

Sometimes a little bit of perspective helps. There are millions of unhappy straight people in the world. Not everyone who appears or claims to be happy actually is.

[Para0402]

Being gay doesn't mean it's a punishment.
Of course, you might feel empty and all that.
I do too sometimes.
But i think that i feel this way is cause, well it's a hard life.
Gays, lesbians, bis... we're all being condemned by society. Most of it anyway.
So, we feel like, we're not part of the group.
If they know bout us, they might do something to us.
But if they don't, you're like lying bout who you are.
So, the emptiness might be because of that.
And the fact that it's kinda hard to find someone to be there for you.

I think u might be in the same condition as i am in.

[Dark Angel]

You are not being punished for being Gay!
There is nothing wrong with what sexuality you choose.
You will know if your gay or straight or even bi and when your 100% on what your sexuality is, you have to accept that and live life as you normally would.

Liveing a lie will only make you more depressed, as you wont be happy as it is not what you truely want.

I think i can imagine what your talking about, Is it that you feel sad, Alone in the dark with no one to hear or see you scream away the pain? I know this feeling thoguh i like to dream a lot which makes me hope for the futuer... I always beleive it will trun around and get better. Every one no matter who they are needs to be loved and know that there is some one there willing to waist there own time to listhen. Well the majority of us are here to help.

My suggestion is stick to what sexuality best suits you. You may be judged but no matter who you are there is always some one else that will judge you. Who cares what people think? you might not even see them ever again (this is so true yet so hard to beleive in, i still care what people think of me which does reflect on how i live my life) Anyhow here are some suggestions i have for you to fill the void.

Get a hobbie... will take up time and if you enjoy it, it will take a lot of stress off your shoulders. You might meet new people, make new friends during this.

Again this is nothing to do with your sexuality, Life will pick it's self up

[gaygay33]

Well thanks everyone for your replies. Drugging up did hide much of the hurt and now that I'm not doing that anymore for the most part it's really hard which is one of the reasons I fell into drugs because it was an escape and made me feel normal.

After a while no pill or anything seems to fix what's broken. It sort of like you're at a battle with yourself like the song Don't let me get me (or with those words) from Pink. You know the one that goes Dr Dr can you please prescribe me something...I'm a hazzard to myself don't let me get me etc:

Anyways I've been out since I was 20 or 21 and when I first came out it was such a relief that I had let out one of my darkest secrets and Im in counseling right now but Im pretty sure I know what happened and it does sound wierd but I read up on this stuff and it makes sense.

It doesn't always happen to everyone that's why some people aren't effected and some are. But when you're a child and you're dealt certain situations you handle stuff the only way you possibly can and you learn to adapt but one thing you do is accept everything and you hide your feelings so when you become an adult all those feelings are still with you and they try to act up and tha's what mine are doing and it sucks.

I don't know why I am still being haunted by the past but I am and it really feels good to throw stuff like glass and just hear it break. If you're ever angry try to do that and you'll see how much relief you'll get!

[marshlander]

I love the sound of breaking glass ...