Can anyone help?

[tilia]

Hey everybody,
alright here's the situation.I'm a guy aged 20 and in a relationship with my boyfriend whom I love very much and who loves me.Right now,he is away and I have all these worries.I don't know why-I'm told I'm attractive and have never been cheated on/cheated,yet I worry constantly that I'm not good enough and that,one a drunken night out,he will do the deed with someone else,which would destroy me.Am I being overly sensitive?He also has a gay friend staying over for a couple of nights and I am just so worried that either something will happen with them(they will share a bed with separate duvets)or that this guy will encourage my boyfriend to go astray with someone on a night out.What should I put up with with regards to the friend?Are there things I can legitimately object to short of straying?Why can't I just think to myself that I'm special too?He (boyfriend) is just so much more secure which annoys me as he never worries about me doing anything,I seem to be the worrier and it's tearing me up.I really hope you can help (yes,you haha )and offer some kind of advice.I know I sound whingey and soppy but this is just the best thing ever and I can't help but think things are just too good to be true....Hope you're having a good day and look forward to hearing from some of you.Thanks for looking,take care.
Tilia

[princealbertofb]

Hello Tilia
It sounds as if you are in a vulnerable time of your life... If your boyfriend loves you, as you say, and tells you so, then I'm sure you shouldn't worry about it. In my experience, what works really the best is to tell your boyfriend in words that he'll understand and that you can articulate that his body is his own and he is free to use it the way he wants to. In other words, you can't actually stop a man from going astray if he is going to go astray and have a bit on the side. I find that giving my partner the liberty to do that also means that he doesn't need or want to do it. Ok, maybe we are older and less likely to get into this kind of situation, but I think telling him he's free, although you really really care about him and his relationship with you is what will give him the freedom he probably needs (don't act too cool, and say you don't care, it wouldn't be true and it wouldn't be you). What you do need to insist upon, however, is that if ever he should go astray, he should make sure to be safe because there's no reason why you should be caught up in any sickness or disease that he might catch. Basically, be concerned with his well-being and physical integrity and safety and that way you can (I hope) be also sure about your own. That would be the "contract". Make sure he also understands that the rule is valid for you too, even if you can't see yourself going astray, you can keep your options open the same way you are leaving HIS options open. I think it's the best way to stop worrying.
If you keep having these issues about yourself not being good enough for him, there might be a problem, in which case maybe you need to find some psychological or medical help to treat the problem. In my book, talking about your fears with someone (and your boyfriend, of course) is paramount to your emotional safety. Look into it, and keep us posted on how things go. I'd like to say "good luck", mile: and hope this helps.
In the meantime here's a for you.
PA

[tilia]

Hi there PA,

thanks for your message.It makes a tremendous amount of sense and I understand where you are coming from.Maybe that whole old clichéd 'love yourself etc' adage does ring true after all.I'm interested and feel free to call me nosy, did you ever feel those pangs of concern when your other half went out without you?Also,what about the gay friend-what should and shouldn't I stand for?The issue is,I have no reason to worry so your reply is making me think...perhaps I need to work at myself rather than worry about my bf.I have broached the subject by telling him that if anything were ever to happen,I would expect him at least to tell me and not leave me in the dark.That falls in line with what you were saying about diseases etc too.Thanks for the lovely message!
Tilia

[peterinmalaga]

I'm sorry you are feeling unsure of your boyfriend. I think that this is a normal reaction to separation but at the same time it does not by any means indicate that you have any reason to be unsure of him. I agree with much of what Princealbert says but have to beg to differ on one important aspect. If my boyfriend said to me that I was free to do what I want with my body, I would probably take him at his word and have sex with somebody else if I felt like it, because I would not be being unfaithful in that case: I would have been given permission to do whatever I want.
I have lived in an open relationship twice actually and in the first instance I chose not to sleep around (though my boyfriend did – and I had no problem with that). In the second case we both dabbled and that was not a problem either. I am at present in a monogamous relationship: we have discussed what we want and agreed on it. If one of us were to stray, I feel sure that the other one would be forgiving. But the fact that we have an agreement not to have sex outside the relationship makes the likelihood of us doing so much smaller.
I think that it's up to you to decide together with your boyfriend what sort of relationship you both want and if you agree on a monogamous relationship, you would be best discussing what the consequences would probably be if one of you strayed.
My bf and I live in Spain and in December I shall be going to the UK for a week alone and though I feel quite sure that neither of us will misbehave while we are apart, I know that it will not be the end of our partnership if something does happen. That gives me a feeling of security. But I also gain security from the fact that we have made an agreement not to sleep around.
Phone your boyfriend (possibly better not to phone every day) and tell him you love him and are missing him but also enjoy yourself while he is away and tell him you are having a good time.

[princealbertofb]

Hi there PA,

thanks for your message.It makes a tremendous amount of sense and I understand where you are coming from.Maybe that whole old clichéd 'love yourself etc' adage does ring true after all.I'm interested and feel free to call me nosy, did you ever feel those pangs of concern when your other half went out without you?Also,what about the gay friend-what should and shouldn't I stand for?The issue is,I have no reason to worry so your reply is making me think...perhaps I need to work at myself rather than worry about my bf.I have broached the subject by telling him that if anything were ever to happen,I would expect him at least to tell me and not leave me in the dark.That falls in line with what you were saying about diseases etc too.Thanks for the lovely message!
Tilia

Tilia, I'm glad my message talks sense to you because I hoped it would help to see how other couples can work. Well, to answer that question of yours, Marshlander and I spend quite a lot of time without each other's reach since we live mostly in two separate countries. But I trust him and he's got free range to use his body how he wants and with whom he wants (that's at least what I told him) because I cannot be sure that it won't happen even if I hope it won't happen but if it does and he has the slightest concern about me, then he'll do it safely, to keep us both out of trouble. You see, my brother died of Aids and it's been a terrible crisis in my life and for my family. I don't think I'd want to put anyone through this again. It was hard enough the first time. Marshlander has understood this and supports me in my thinking.
I just hope you can find it in your heart to love yourself more and think more highly of what you bring your boyfriend and how you can be LOVED for who and what you are. As for the gay friend, well, I have many gay friends, but it doesn't mean I want to bed them, goodness forbid. See what I mean? They are friends, and also gay, but it doesn't mean we're all going to jump into bed with each other. mile:

[marshlander]

... I have many gay friends, but it doesn't mean ... we're all going to jump into bed with each other...

Of course not, sweetie! The last thing you are is a gay stereotype

...I'm interested and feel free to call me nosy, did you ever feel those pangs of concern when your other half went out without you?

As "the other half" there are some things we just have to be prepared to let go. Fear and jealousy can damage a relationship more surely than any single act of infidelity. PA and I would not still be together after a period of years if we had to burden ourselves with worries about what the other is doing. We are both busy people and both have lives to get on with ... even if we are often physically separated by hundreds of miles for two or three weeks at a time. The pangs of concern I have for him are that he is well and happy, that his students aren't playing up too much and that he isn't buried under a pile of boring papers that need marking. The thought that he might be playing around with someone else ... well, it isn't even on the radar. Even if it were, what's the point? If I had a problem with anything like that it would be up to me to make some decisions.

Also,what about the gay friend-what should and shouldn't I stand for?...

Obviously that is up to you. The only rules that really mean anything are the ones you make for yourself. You can make as many rules for other people as you like, but unless they can internalise and accept them in an act of free will, they won't make the slightest difference. I'm not suggesting you become anyone's doormat, but consider it the other way round. If he started laying down the law about what you can do and who you can see while you are not together I'm sure you would feel some irritation that he starts with a presumption that you are going to abuse his trust at the first opportunity. What a waste of energy!

Not a day goes by where I don't miss being with PA. Sometimes the desire to be able to turn and tell him something or discuss something with him face-to-face is like a physical ache. The prospect of another period of separation is always horrible, no matter what interesting projects I may have coming up in England. But, when we are together, we make the very best of those times and we have so much news to share. Although we are in daily contact one can only communicate so much through telephone conversations, text messages, e-mails and online chats!

I don't see us living this way forever, but it is how we live now. Rather than fretting over our imagined fears we prefer to celebrate and enjoy to the full what we have. We have a great deal going on for us that, sadly, some people who have the opportunity to enjoy being together every day seem to have lost somewhere along the way.

[tilia]

Ok here's the update to you nice guys who posted-thanks again for all the advice and support.I really think this forum is a great thing and I found great comfort in it,I hope I can bring a bit of that to other users at some stage.I talked to my bf and managed to convey what I was feeling,as well as having a good chat with some friends who understood where I was coming from.My boyfriend reassured me wholeheartedly and the next step lies with me,to see if a change takes place and if not,to try and sort my own feelings out somehow,as I realise the fault most probably lies with me in actual fact.For now,all is well and he is visiting me this weekend...yay!Hope you all had a good weekend.
Tilia