Wife of a gay man.

[Amigo]

How do wives of gay men handle the situation?

I've been preoccupied with myself, that I didn't take time to consider what it might mean to my wife, if I was gay.

She seemed to be taking it quite well at first, but may be because she thought I was kidding. She thought it was bloody funny.

Now that my 'symptoms' persist, she's beginning to sound worried. I guess it's normal for her to worry.

Seeing her worry makes me want to stop being gay. Or at least stop being open about it. May be I'll just go back in the 'closet'. May be I'll just write this off as being nothing.

I think we're having a talk this eveing when I get home. I hope everything goes OK. Nobody freak out, please....

[marshlander]

I know how my wife handled it and I have spoken to a number of other men who have been in similar, but by no means identical, situations. Everyone is different.

My ex was and still is a committed Mormon and she tried her hardest to get me into therapy to cure me, eventually lying to get me to see a counsellor employed by her church. The moment I realised what she had set me up for I walked out of the consultation, causing her some embarrassment, unfortunately. She also tried bullying and blackmail and appealing to a side of me that desperately wanted the marriage to work. She was jealous of any time I wanted to spend with the children, who I felt were suffering in our struggle, and accused me of trying to turn them against her. This was absolutely not the case. My concern was in case they began to feel I didn't love them and I wanted time with them to try and do anything that might feel normal. She eventually managed to cut me off from them though. Thankfully, that love and communication has been restored. She was confrontational twenty-three hours a day (fortunately she needed one hour's sleep, although I could have done with it being more). Whenever I came home from work she wanted a breakdown of every fifteen minute period of the day demanding to know who I'd spoken to, met, telephoned, texted, e-mailed and what we had discussed and done. If she felt there was any inconsistency she would go through it all again (and again and again), but was never content to leave it even when she couldn't find anything "wrong". She wanted to know whether and what I'd been thinking about this man or that man and when she had a spare moment she would go through my e-mails, letters, clothes, cupboards and drawers. Like many uninformed straights she thought being gay was all about anal sex and she assaulted me on a number of occasions, particularly just before I found the strength to leave her even though, by that stage, we had not had a sexual relationship for at least five years. She spent a fortune on books written by the ex-gay movement and analysed everything I did in terms of my inadequate and "damaged" personality. She gained support for her methods through joining online discussion groups of like-minded people in similar situations and I know she was in regular e-mail contact with a couple of women in the USA although I never knew the content of their communications.

She was a mass of contradictions and I can't say I blame her for that. We were both pretty unstable and unwell. I was almost completely withdrawn. She did not sign up for marrying a gay man. Other wives I have known about have not been as combative as mine was. Many realise that where there is a mismatch of sexual orientation it's probably best to part in as amicable a manner as they can manage. Some couples manage to pursue a more open relationship in order to keep the marriage going.

I wonder if your wife is struggling with how the future is shaping up? This is obviously really unsettling for both of you. If you are gay, there is no healthy way for you to go back in the closet. It's not something you can just switch on and off.

Good luck with your talk this evening. Don't expect it to be the last talk you'll have on the subject.

[Amigo]

Marshlander : Sorry to hear of your misfortune. I know how you feel.

Me and my wife were like that before the gay issue. My wife is a very suspecting person. And a very good detective. She can find even the smallest of the clues. Her ex boyfriends were the fooling around type.

And that's the way it is for most people. People are just not faithful anymore.
Polygamous relationships, everywhere.

No wonder my wife thinks I'm screwing around. She grilled me everyday. Living hell. I don't even want to think about it.

Actually, the gay issue is the turning point of our relationship.

Turning for better, of course.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]

OMG - FREAKING OUT

How did the discussion go?

Seems that you have a lot to think about and how you will be "gay".

Again, I am soooo lucky to have known I was gay at an early age... My most successful relationship with a woman was where she knew I was gay and just accepted our love for what it was. She didnt try to "convert" me or anything like that.

I actually thought I could marry her - but thinking on it now I am sure it would not have been a completely satisfying relationship in the long run.

We are still very very very good friends and I am pretty sure that she tells me things she doesnt discuss with anyone. We are soul mates [/COLOR]

[Amigo]

She said,

"Do you want to see a shrink? Is it permanent? Are you for real?"

And I said,

"No, I don't need to see a shrink, and no, it's not permanent, and no, it's not for real. It's all in my head and I can make it go away as quickly as it came."

And she said,

"Do you want to have sex with men? Don't be shy, tell me."

And I said,

"Yes, it's true, I've imagined having sex with men, and I think I will like it. Not that I'm going to have sex with anyone, men or woman."

And she said,

"You're not gay. You're just.... sexually perverted."

And I said,

"You could say that."

And she said,

"I'm worried about you."

And I said,

"Don't be. If it worries you, I'll stop. Do you want me to stop?"

And she said,

"No. It's up to you. You figure it out if you should stop or not. I've heard this kind of thing ruins marriage. Become family problem later. What are you going to tell your kids?"

And I said,

"I don't know."

And I ended the conversation by saying,

"I can't tell you much coz I'm not so sure myself, what the heck is going on with me. Am I being a pervert, or just being sexually liberated? Let's just see what happens."

And we started to talk about something else.

In conclusion, we're still talking about it. Bit by bit.

[marshlander]

Under the circumstances she sounds extraordinarily tolerant.

Again, best wishes to you both while you work your way through this.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Truly AMAZING

Aint life interesting... like the million of snowflakes now floating by my little window here - us humans can, at times, be so unique and full of wonder.

I am watching this light dusting of giant snowflakes float in the light wind... going this way and that... oh no - I think for a second I will go over here and now have a flight of fancy here...

Go little snowflake, go and enjoy your time with us [/COLOR]

[Amigo]

Truly AMAZING

Aint life interesting... like the million of snowflakes now floating by my little window here - us humans can, at times, be so unique and full of wonder.

I am watching this light dusting of giant snowflakes float in the light wind... going this way and that... oh no - I think for a second I will go over here and now have a flight of fancy here...

Go little snowflake, go and enjoy your time with us

That is so nice... ^^

[James]

Not a bad reaction, I do hope you find some support in real life rather than just what you have here, but watch carefully as some are just in it for the sex and not looking at the individual as a real person with feelings and needs yet unexplored, go slowly if you transfer your thoughts to actions, Jim

[Amigo]

Not a bad reaction, I do hope you find some support in real life rather than just what you have here, but watch carefully as some are just in it for the sex and not looking at the individual as a real person with feelings and needs yet unexplored, go slowly if you transfer your thoughts to actions, Jim

I will remember that. Thanks, Jim! ^^