What if

[WINTERFRONT]

I think the last two questions should be discussed thoroughly.

When someone you love gets a disease like cancer, he/she starts to face his/her death. This can get in between him/her and you.

There's a short story by Italian writer Pirandello, which starts with a man who finds himself terminally ill. Through the story we see him becoming more and more aggressive towards the woman he loves, even if she always tries her best to take care of him. In the end, the man leaves her, and eventually explains his behavior by saying that, whenever he looked at her, he rembered about his disease and the death - and he really wanted to forget both.

Taking care of someone you love in a situation like this could be hard as hell, and quitting isn't that unlikely.

Lolz, what a lame excuse

[sox-and-the-city]

It's not lame in the slightest, it's a fair observation. Much the same as i feel mine was. I'll give a very personal example. One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer not long ago (well, actually, this is the third time) and naturally he was devod ever so slightly. Now i want to be there for him and still be his friend for whatever time he has left but i can't bear to think about or talk to the person he's become.

Everything anyone does, no matter how well meaning, is now a personal attack on him irrespective of whether he's involved or not and woe betide the fool who gets angry or upset at him telling them they're dead to him or, most recently, that he wishes he were dead now so he doesn't have to put up with my inane questions (generally when someone asks "How are you??" the done thing is to say you're fine irrespective of whether or not one really is, we ARE British, after all...).

I hate interacting with him now because i know how it'll end. And i'm not doing any nicey-nicey empty words. I'm sick of being made to feel guilty cos the doctors say i'll still be here this time next year. He knows he's on his final warning. One more snide remark and i'm not gonna bother with him. It hurts too much. Every possible topic of conversation either results in a personal attack on my character or the observation that he's dying.

This is not the person i befriended. I miss him, but he's genuinely not my friend anymore, he's a bitter and twisted version of what was someone i felt incredibly close to and systematically everything we did of meaning together has been undermined by his anger and resentment. There really is genuinely only so much one can take.

All of a sudden i understand why people give up on living with people who behave like that. I can't bear to see my friend like this any more

[Kiid]

It's not lame in the slightest, it's a fair observation. Much the same as i feel mine was. I'll give a very personal example. One of my friends was diagnosed with cancer not long ago (well, actually, this is the third time) and naturally he was devod ever so slightly. Now i want to be there for him and still be his friend for whatever time he has left but i can't bear to think about or talk to the person he's become.

Everything anyone does, no matter how well meaning, is now a personal attack on him irrespective of whether he's involved or not and woe betide the fool who gets angry or upset at him telling them they're dead to him or, most recently, that he wishes he were dead now so he doesn't have to put up with my inane questions (generally when someone asks "How are you??" the done thing is to say you're fine irrespective of whether or not one really is, we ARE British, after all...).

I hate interacting with him now because i know how it'll end. And i'm not doing any nicey-nicey empty words. I'm sick of being made to feel guilty cos the doctors say i'll still be here this time next year. He knows he's on his final warning. One more snide remark and i'm not gonna bother with him. It hurts too much. Every possible topic of conversation either results in a personal attack on my character or the observation that he's dying.

This is not the person i befriended. I miss him, but he's genuinely not my friend anymore, he's a bitter and twisted version of what was someone i felt incredibly close to and systematically everything we did of meaning together has been undermined by his anger and resentment. There really is genuinely only so much one can take.

All of a sudden i understand why people give up on living with people who behave like that. I can't bear to see my friend like this any more

I can only imagine your pain. Life's a bitch.

[fjp999]

[COLOR="Purple"]Having a terminal illness or long term illness certainly does change one.

It is not like we ask for life to bring us illness... but those around us do often have problems dealing. Of course it isnt fair on the one sick or the caregiver/friend and a new relationship is the usual...

Lets not forget about "Unconditional Love".
Is that what the OP is asking?[/COLOR]

[JarredH]

Lets not forget about "Unconditional Love".

Unconditional love is nice, but it doesn't necessarily mean making yourself an unconditional target. (Let's remember that appeals to "unconditional love" have also been used to guilt people into remaining in physically abusive relationships.) And it takes more than love -- especially if that love is one-sided -- to make any relationship work. Sometimes, the love can be there in great quantities, and things still don't work out.

In the abstract, I'm as inclined to stick with a loved one as the next one. But things do happen sometimes. And there could be any number of reasons why I might decide I just can't in a particular real-world situation.

[marshlander]

So ... life really is more complicated than we sometimes try to make out then?

[JarredH]

So ... life really is more complicated than we sometimes try to make out then?

Some days I think it's more complicated than I make it out to be. Other days I think it's simpler than I make it out to be. It tends to depend on what aspect of life I'm looking at or the situation I'm in at the time.

Most hypothetical situations, however, do tend to be more complicated than first glance. This is because most hypothetical situations are devoid of any context. This means that people are left to make assumptions to "fill in the gaps."

Let me give you another example that we covered recently over on one of my favorite blogs:

A group of four children are playing on the railroad tracks when you see that a train is about to run them over. You're standing next to a switch that can still move the train to a different track, saving the children. However, the track is short and the train will crash, almost certainly killing the engineer driving the train. What do you do?

Of course, the point of the scenario is to try to get people to decide whether it's better to spare the kids or the engineer. However, as we pointed out on the other blog, there's a number of problems with the scenario. To name just a few:

1. Why can't we just yell to the kids and warn them?
2. Why didn't we notice the train coming long before it reached the point where someone's death was imminent?
3. Why can't we drag the kids off the tracks ourselves?

[fjp999]

Unconditional love is nice, but it doesn't necessarily mean making yourself an unconditional target. (Let's remember that appeals to "unconditional love" have also been used to guilt people into remaining in physically abusive relationships.)

[COLOR="Purple"]Is this an example of your "unconditional target"? I suppose you could add emotional abuse as well...

What if the unconditional love comes from the giver, not requested or demanded???[/COLOR]

And it takes more than love -- especially if that love is one-sided -- to make any relationship work. Sometimes, the love can be there in great quantities, and things still don't work out.

Yes, agreed... but some have the ability to love more and some love less... it is the work of a relationship for each to come to a solid middle and that takes communication and communication takes an understanding of not only what your lover needs but a clear understanding of what you need, not fantasies, but what each need in reality.

In the abstract, I'm as inclined to stick with a loved one as the next one. But things do happen sometimes. And there could be any number of reasons why I might decide I just can't in a particular real-world situation.

[COLOR="purple"]Going back to the OP and my comment on Unconditional Love where most were using physical changes which does bring on mental changes as our sox brought up... so yeah, it is complicated...

Unconditional love probably means something different to one another.[/COLOR]

[prinnydood]

I like to think that I would stick with my love through anything. There are unknown factors that could interfere with unconditional love, as has been pointed out, but if I was handicapped in some way or another, I would want my boyfriend to be with me to help me feel better about it.

[sox-and-the-city]

I reckon by its very nature love is conditional. You can't just love without reason or incentive. That's not healthy, ultimately it works out as being destructive. If i were more awake and less borracho i'd give a much better explanation.

More words coming soon...