Dear all,
It seems that I am in a terrible situation... I have been living with my boyfriend for 7 months now under the same roof... He has just finished his degree from a middle-class university in the UK and moved to London with me. The relationship was quite passionate, but my gut instinct was telling me that something goes wrong.
One day I wanted to transfer some files from my desktop to my laptop and I needed a flash drive. So, I opened one of his desk's drawers and I got a flash drive, not hidden, not meticulously protected, but just next to the pencil case. Well, I tried to take a backup before erasing the existing files and uploading mine.
To make the long story short, the pictures show my beloved one in recent hardcore actions with people, as he is having UNprotected sex with them... My heart broke immediately... I panicked and wanted to leave the house as soon as possible.. Also, there are some videos showing him tight, bonded and people around stick some vibrators... It is disgusting...
I don't know how to deal with the situation... I am not sure if I should tell him or not. I have become extremely distant, and he has understood that something goes wrong. He has become very sad, so on my hand I want to hug him but on the other I really want to vomit every time he touched my hand... Also, I am slipping on the couch, pretending I am very busy, so I am waking in the middle of the night etc etc.
Dear friends, what should I do? I am so desperate... :'(
Thank youuuu....
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I cannot imagine what you are going through. It must be a terrible shock. Of course you are going to need to tackle your boyfriend about this, but you do need to think about what else you need too. One of your first priorities must surely be to visit a GUM clinic and get tested for everything. If he has been having unprotected sex with other people he may have put you at risk. Not much consolation I am sure, but do you know when he has been seeing these other men? Could it have been before you met? Bear in mind that if he has been sexually active with others recently that you may need to have more tests in three months' time. The clinic will advise you on this. Unless you know the answers to these questions it is difficult to plan what you are going to do.
Sleeping on the couch and recoiling every time he touches you is not nice for either of you so, if you can bring yourself to do it, you have to talk and find out what has been going on. It will be very painful for you if you go on in ignorance, but of course the truth might be painful too.
Best wishes for whatever you decide.
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I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time with this. Marshlander's advice is, as usual, very sound and you must go to the GUM clinic. Ring the gay switchboard in London if you don't know the number. Gay Switchboard is 020 7837 7324 (daily 10am -11pm).
For the sake of your own peace of mind, you need to separate the various issues out here and deal with them separately.
- Your boyfriend has been working in the sex industry. Not what you would have hoped but we have to be real about this. Students are sometimes forced to do this for financial survival, so I hope you will not be too hard on him for this. My own son dated a female student who did the same thing to pay her way through university. I met her a couple of times and thought she was a nice girl.
- Both of you have to go to the GUM clinic, preferably together. It is not an unpleasant experience and does a lot to put your mind at ease.
- He has put you at risk and that is the most serious aspect of this. I think when you have been to the clinic you will have a better idea about exactly how you feel about this and what consequences this might have for your relationship. Whatever happens you must speak to him about all this. Give him a hug but make it clear that if you have sex now, it must be with a condom. Try to talk things through in a calm way, so that the situation does not escalate into a much more complicated one.
Good luck with all this. Get back to us if you need any help.
Peter
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Thank you so much for both your replies. It seems that I am so emotionally attached to this guy, in a completely unjustified way. He is very introvert, very selfish, very limited to this expressions, however it seems that he is having very good sex with me. When I express my concerns about our having sex, he says that this is not sex but pure love. I am so hesitant to believe...
Also, when I found the images, my heart was so hurt... I am deeply hurt and I think I am bleeding emotionally. I have thoroughly checked myself in a GUM Clinic, however I am not that concerned with my health as we have been practising safe sex. All I am concerned of is my emotional detachment, which will be critical for my future. I can't work, concentrate or even sleep. When he kiss me, I lose all my resentments. I know how it sounds, but I invested so many things to this person, and I feel totally betrayed.
As far as the financial issue is concerned, I gave him multiple opportunities to tell me why he did / still does it. He repeatedly tells me that this is the past, which is many years ago, and now with me, he builds his new life... I can hardly believe so. He has declared that he loves me passionately, but I can hardly see and feel his passion. He is so emotionally blocked and for me, it is very difficult to break this thick wall. I have given a couple of months time to improve, but nothing has happened. On the contrary, I found these pictures and I am sure that if I want to search for more, I will find more. But I control myself not to be obsessed with it...
Last night, I expressed all my feelings, he cried and he partially expressed that his major mistake was that he loves me so deeply but can't express it. He justified that this is a result of his Asian Culture... This is so torturing for me... However, when he touches me, he kisses me and then we are having sex, this is an amazing feeling! Completely amazing... Nevertheless, I feel very guilty as I think that I have not kept my promise to myself to create distance, detach and move out of the flat. I really don't know how to manage this situation... So any help, any ideas will be highly appreciated...
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You are in a predicament, have you thought about seeking counselling? Either you can go as a couple or you get counselling just for yourself.
You need someone to help you sort through your feelings and the reality of your life. Is there a gay support group near you that you could join? Look it up.
I don't know your living circumstances but I'm sure the best way to feel detached would be to admit that your boyfriend is someone who might or does need to get sex from elsewhere (maybe not now, but maybe before and maybe later too) so be thankful that you have protected sex together. If you can give him that freedom to act with his body as he wishes, then maybe you have a chance of either saving what you share together as a couple or of seeing if your routes are now splitting apart.
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You sound a bit like me and my EXcuse for a boyfriend.
He was cheating on me since we started dating. I caught him red handed and he tried playing the victim. All was good he was all lovey dovey and more 1 on 1 for a bit then i got busy with work and couldnt see him as much as we would like and he didnt know i knew he was at it again. I have him a chance to tell me and really gave him the hints that i know and that im not happy and he wouldnt even ask me why or anything. and everything just faded away. Now hes nothing to me as far as im concearned I dont know and never want to know a James Guthrie. I am picking up the peices putting things back together and on to better things. It becomes a time in life to sit down and figure out if there inlove with they sex they have or everything else that matters so much more. I set myself up for alot of excess bullshit and ignored all the signs until it was all right infront of me. I even lost a best friend over it. Do what you can to fix things or your going to end up like me and be alone
befriended and stuck in a rut.
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