Bi, or just abused?

[Anonymous]

Just to start off, I am a girl.

When I was around 7-8, I was molested in two separate instances by older girls.

When I was in my mid-teens, I rather unexpectedly stumbled across some porn (on my bf's puter) and got that burned into my mind.

Now I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm really a little bit Bi, or if my occasional attraction to other women is born more from my childhood experiences.

I've had one semi-consensual (i.e. she got me drunk) make-out with a girl, and it left me rather terrified.

I don't know what I'm really asking, I guess, but I'm wondering if anyone else has ever wondered if their orientation was 'natural' or because of abuses or experiences in their childhood that started them off on the wrong foot?

[Synaesthete]

I think, first off, don't fall into the trap of trying to label yourself this or that. Whether you are bi or not, these past issues will cause you problems, so don't try to "put a name on it". However, to prevent yourself from having bad experiences like the drunken one you describe above, try to not leave yourself in vulnerable situations where you might be feeling a little too explorative, and then aftewards feel bad.

Sexuality is very complex. Your occasional attraction to women could be because you are slightly bisexual, or it could just mean that you are able to appreciate the sight of an attractive woman. Like me, I am a gay guy but can still appreciate an attractive girl.

I know it easier said than done, but try to not let your inquisitiveness get the better of you - if you are going to try something with a girl, make sure that it is fully consensual; that she is a good genuine person who will respect you; that you are both in control of yourselves, i.e not drunk, and you know what you are doing etc. Of course I appreciate that when you are "in that place", that it is really easy just to get carried away.

I also wonder in what sense she "got you drunk". How so? Did you let her, could you have said no? Or were you completely out of control of the situation? If it a "yes" to the former, then I wonder if you have also developed some submissiveness (possibly due to your childhood experience) that could be detrimental to you.

[marshlander]

After your semi-consensual experience, do you know what it is that terrifies you? Is there part of you that would like to try it again, maybe under different circumstances?

I suppose it is possible that your childhood experiences might have left a bad residue, but most of us are pretty resilient. If, however, there was any sense in which this was abusive behaviour as opposed to childhood curiosity is it affecting how you feel about sex now? If all it is doing is making you ask questions, that's not a bad thing. If you think it is affecting how you deal with relationships or whether you believe there is a criminal case to answer, you may want to consider whether you need more support than we can give you here.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

[colinmackay]

When I was around 7-8, I was molested in two separate instances by older girls.

Can I first say how sorry I am to hear that. I can't imagine what that must have been like, but I can appreciate that it would be deeply unpleasant.

I've had one semi-consensual (i.e. she got me drunk) make-out with a girl, and it left me rather terrified.

When I was in my teens I had a near miss with something similar. It terrified me too, but I managed to extract myself from the situation before it got too far.

On looking back the reason why I felt so panicked by it was that it was shortly after another kid in my class was outed and became almost an outcast. I did not want the same to happen to me. I was desperately trying to bury any feelings that I might be gay. Hoping that it was just a phase.

I don't know if that may be a part of it, that for what ever reason you feel shameful about the thoughts or feelings you have towards other girls.

I don't know what I'm really asking, I guess, but I'm wondering if anyone else has ever wondered if their orientation was 'natural' or because of abuses or experiences in their childhood that started them off on the wrong foot?

Indeed - In my case, it was the homophobia at my school definately accounted for a part of me starting off on the wrong foot.

Much as I feel I've wasted the last 20 years (and friends have pointed out that I seem to be trying to make up for lost time) it has also been pointed out that I needed to be ready to accept myself before I could move forward.

I'm sure you'll work out how you feel about other girls and about guys. And you'll work out that what ever way you feel, it is "natural" and normal and, I hope, wonderful.

[Gareth125]

Hi , I have worked with abused children and in many cases later in life these children fantasize about their abuse , it's quite common but also causes much anxiety and guilt at having those feelings . It might be worth seeing a councelor who can help you make some sense of what happened to you . This may help you decide if you are genuinely Bi or not .