Out at work

[colinmackay]

As you can see in my profile it says Out: Everywhere

That's not quite true. It was the closest option to the truth. But I am not out at work.

Since I accepted sexuality I changed gender references in my speech to neutral. When I came out, I went back to non-neutral but corrected. The only place I maintain gender neutral gender references is in work.

One of the people I deal with in work is, shall we say, increadibly hetrosexual. He comes back from holidays with tales of sexual conquest with details of all the women and their nationalities, etc.

Since I accepted myself, the mental stress of what I was going though prior to that disappeared and the comfort eating stopped. As a result I started to lose weight. Not only did I start feeling better about myself emotionally, I started feeling better about myself physically too.

Since I'm now almost 20kg/40lbs lighter I've needed to buy new clothes. So, I threw out all the vendor branded t-shirts/polo-shirts that I got at conferences and replaced it all with something a little more fashionable. It is odd, but I never thought buying clothes would ever make me feel happy, but I've found that I quite enjoy the experience now. (Anyway, back to the topic...)

So, the "new me" has not gone unnoticed by this person I deal with at work. He keeps making references to me "pulling birds", "bedding chicks", etc. So far, I've simply said things like "not gonna happen". I get the impression that he's taken this to mean I still lack confidence.

This is beginning to wear thin now and part of me wants just to say why it's "not gonna happen", but I think I've probably let it continue too long.

I don't like this duality in my life. I'm a very binary person. I am or I am not. Anything where "I am" in one situation and "I am not" in another feels like a conceited* fraud. And I already fell like enough of a fraud for the previous 20 years when I was in the closet.

To that end, I've been thinking of suitable opportunities where by the truth can come out naturally.

1. A new start asks about personal life (a normal thing for people when they start to get to know one another)
2. A company do where +1s are invited (need a suitable +1 first tho')

Interestingly, I started writing this with the intention of asking whether I should or not, but as I wrote the post it became apparent that I'd already decided what I want to do.

So, I guess my question is how to come out at work without it seeming forced? It isn't like sitting my mother down and telling her. Although I though about it for my monthly 1-to-1 with my boss a couple of times because it has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride so far and I've had days where I just don't seem to be able to concentrate as a result of being emotionally drained or overwhelmed. It meant I've had days where I've not exactly done my best work and I feel that I owe something of an explanation.


(* I'm not even sure that's the right adjective. "Conceited" relates to false pride or egotism. It sounds like the right word, but the actual meaning doesn't seem to fit. Or am I just not seeing where the egotistical part of the duality lies.)

[marshlander]

Congratulations, Colin. Really, it sounds like great things are happening in your life.

I guess I find it easier to come out to new people because I can talk talk about my partner. I make sure I employ masculine pronouns. Once people get the idea that I didn't make a mistake, little more needs to be said.

I think it would risk being counter-productive to go through the big announcement number. Talking about your out of work activities, the places you went, the nice man you met in the very normal course of chit-chat should do it. If your colleague starts pressing you again, you could try a variation on something I've found myself saying from time to time ie, ask if any of his new lady friends had a good-looking brother.

I love it that you're a very binary person ... you did say you were in software design?

Conceited ... concerted? Maybe that's not quite accurate either

[fredv3b]

First, its good that you've reached the point where you want to come out at work. Can I suggest a different way of looking at the problem. Either you come out to, pretty much, everybody all in one go or you come out to one or two and let the rumour network do the rest.

Considering the first option first, which, realistically, means the company do idea, you mentioned. I think that coming out at the company do might be interesting, but you would certainly need a +1 who was willing to go into such a situation, also you might upstage whatever was the point of the do (e.g. someone's retirement) which might be a problem. Overall I would urge caution on the company do idea.

The second option, coming out to one or two people and letting the rumour mill do the rest, gives you more flexibility. Pulling a quote from a previous post of yours.

One person [at work] does know (because we were friends from before) and I think a couple of others have probably worked it out anyway.

All you really need to do is either come-out to the office gossip, or better yet, get your friend who already knows to do it for you, the gossip with prefer it that way. Since most people will find out via office gossip it doesn't really matter if you don't come out 'naturally'. You might choose to do it just before going on holiday so the rumour fully circulates while you are away.

Hopefully, this helpfully expands your options.

[colinmackay]

Congratulations, Colin. Really, it sounds like great things are happening in your life.

Absolutely! mile:

It has been great finally understanding how I feel.

And (slightly sliding off topic again) a straight friend said to me that he was really pleased with my new found confidence. Including the fact that I'm just at ease commenting on a good looking guy as he is in comment on a good looking girl.

I guess I find it easier to come out to new people because I can talk talk about my partner. I make sure I employ masculine pronouns. Once people get the idea that I didn't make a mistake, little more needs to be said.

Yes, that is one way that would make things easier.

I think it would risk being counter-productive to go through the big announcement number. Talking about your out of work activities, the places you went, the nice man you met in the very normal course of chit-chat should do it. If your colleague starts pressing you again, you could try a variation on something I've found myself saying from time to time ie, ask if any of his new lady friends had a good-looking brother.

Yes, which is partly why I don't really want to go down that route. It just seems very forced. Although I did think of trying it in a fun way, e.g. There is the odd karaoke night and by picking the right song...

I love it that you're a very binary person ... you did say you were in software design?

Yes, I design and write software. Although I know that my way of looking at things does irritate our clients, they are usually thankful for it at the end of a project because I've removed all the grey areas that computers can't deal with so the software works very well. So, for the most part, I have a client services person that filters the communication (incidentally, he's the aforementioned ultra-straight guy)

[colinmackay]

Considering the first option first, which, realistically, means the company do idea, you mentioned. I think that coming out at the company do might be interesting, but you would certainly need a +1 who was willing to go into such a situation, also you might upstage whatever was the point of the do (e.g. someone's retirement) which might be a problem. Overall I would urge caution on the company do idea.

Most company dos are things like christmas or the summer BBQ. We are a young company (I think the oldest person is in their 40s or early 50s) so I'm not likely to upset a retirement party. Although, the next do is the leaving do of (coindidentally) the guy I was already friends with and knows.

However, I take your advice and proceed with caution on that front.

The second option, coming out to one or two people and letting the rumour mill do the rest, gives you more flexibility.

All you really need to do is either come-out to the office gossip, or better yet, get your friend who already knows to do it for you, the gossip with prefer it that way. Since most people will find out via office gossip it doesn't really matter if you don't come out 'naturally'. You might choose to do it just before going on holiday so the rumour fully circulates while you are away.

The software development team are not really much in to gossip. However, if someone in client services were to find out... Well their job is to talk to people all day.

Also, I don't think I could ever ask anyone to out me. I wouldn't feel it is a fair thing to do. Although, since the guy that is leaving already knows, he may be willing as he won't be around if anyone thinks it was an unfair thing to do.

[princealbertofb]

I daresay an opportunity will arise, Colin, probably one which you didn't expect. I shouldn't strive too much over this. After all it is your private life and nobody really needs to know who strikes your fancy (at work or elsewhere). Keep it simple and natural.

[colinmackay]

After all it is your private life and nobody really needs to know who strikes your fancy (at work or elsewhere).

It is not so much that, but that I don't like continuing to use gender-neutral references or having to think hard on how to phrase something so that I don't actually lie yet not actually tell the truth. (If you see what I mean)

Given what I've just said, I guess you could say that the opportunity arises daily if I just switch to gender-specific references.