How can I become comfortable being gay?

[Hellie]

How can I become comfortable about my sexuality?

I'm a 26 year old bisexual female and even though I have come "out" to most of my family and friends, I don't feel comfortable being "gay." Even though I don't hold any negative feelings towards the homosexual community, I find myself continually feeling embarrassment and ashamed when I see homosexual acts.

And this disturbs me profoundly. I mean, I'm gay and I can't stop feeling ashamed about homosexuality. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I have to blush or get shy about acts of homosexuality.

Do I need more exposure to it? I come from a very small town. All I've grown up with was: straight, straight, straight.

Tonight I had a fight with my brother about something really stupid but in the midst of the argument I sort of implied he was a gay basher and he got extremely upset and was shouting to me, "I'm not a gay basher! God, how can you even think that. You're my damn sister. I'd never bash anyone for being gay."

And I just kept on thinking that he doesn't want to be a gay basher but he is, because he can't help it, because he grew up with me, in the same household, learning the same things from society, and he's not comfortable with homosexuality, like I'm not. And even though he wants to be supportive, and wants to be pro-homosexuality, sometimes he says things that are offensive, and he just doesn't realize it.

To boot, sometimes *I* say the same things and I think when I got upset with him tonight I was getting upset at myself because more and more I'm realizing how uncomfortable with homosexuality I am and it's just getting to me.

I feel so repressed and that sucks because normally I feel like I"m such an open-minded person and yet with this...I feel shame, I feel embarrassment...and I don't want to feel that, but I do.

Also, I suffer from social anxiety so a lot of my insecurities and feelings of shame aren't solely from my sexuality (or about topics that deal with sexuality). So I think that at least in part my low self-esteem and social anxiety issues contribute to why I haven't embraced being gay.



So, I'm here just wondering what can I do? I was raised in such a straight society. I mean, we all pretty much were, right? And due to my anxiety issues, I don't socialize much (if at all, especially the past few years) so I don't have any "gay friends" and really my exposure to homosexuality has been myself (big help there since I was in the closet for most of life) and the media (which is completely biased and tends to show homosexuality in an unfavorable light).

How can I get that "gay pride" in me?

I'm thinking I need to start by not hiding who I am or how I feel anymore, which is so hard. I mean, to give an example, sometimes I'll watch a movie or show with a family member and I don't' feel comfortable expressing that I'm attracted to female characters. A handful of times I've tried and I get a 'strange' reaction (ie. strange looks, quiet pauses) and all of this has made me less than excited about continue to be open about myself.

I feel like I left the closet only to go back into it. I announced I was gay and then never talked about it again and I guess even actively tried to pretend I'm not.

I think that my family would be more comfortable with my homosexuality if I was more comfortable with myself and my homosexuality, but I'm not.

So...help....anyone???

[MysteriousBoy]

Firstly congrats for coming out to people!
It sounds to me like maybe a counseller would be the best option? If you're really uncomfortable with it and it's really affecting you definitely go and see a counseller who can help you understand and come to terms with your sexuality. There's no shame in seeing a counseller

Also why not try going to one of them groups...Ive heard some people mention it but can't think what it is? Basically one of them groups for Lesbian/Gay people where you all meet each other, get to know each other and talk about stuff etc?

Hope you sort something out soon, and get over your personal shame. You deserve to be happy and proud!

[Genersis]

......I feel like I left the closet only to go back into it. I announced I was gay and then never talked about it again.....

Thats whats happed with my family, I think its because in my family its always been taboo to talk about sex/relationships and the like.
I guess some familys are just like that. :confused:
I don't think I could ever say to someone; "That guy's hot" or "I really feel I need to find a boyfriend". I just can't physically say those words(Its extremely hard for me to say the words "gay" or "sex", even when theres no one's around!:eek.

When you say you feel embarrissed when you see "Homosexual acts", do you mean in general? Or only when you're around other people who know your gay?

Personaly I don't think you are homophobic, its just the way you were raised.
If you wish to change your behaiviour then it probably wont be easy....


Oh and.......
Welcome!:biggrin:

[marshlander]

Hello Hellie and welcome. It sounds like the fundamental thing might be to try getting out a bit more and just making a few friends. If you find a few of those just happen to be gay, bisexual or lesbian that would be a bit of a bonus.

I found talking to a counsellor helped me find the language that was not in my vocabulary to help me come better to terms with my sexuality.

Best wishes.

[Hellie]

Firstly congrats for coming out to people!
It sounds to me like maybe a counseller would be the best option? If you're really uncomfortable with it and it's really affecting you definitely go and see a counseller who can help you understand and come to terms with your sexuality. There's no shame in seeing a counseller

Oh, yeah, I'm with you on that one. I don't think there's any shame in seeking counseling. In fact, I'm on a waiting list for just that. However, I sought counseling for my social anxiety issues, and now I'm realizing that I should definitely bring up the subject of my sexuality as well and work through that.

Also why not try going to one of them groups...Ive heard some people mention it but can't think what it is? Basically one of them groups for Lesbian/Gay people where you all meet each other, get to know each other and talk about stuff etc?

I would love that, but unfortunately we don't have these types of clubs in my hometown. At least not that I know of. Like I had stated earlier, I'm from a rather small city in Texas. Do you know of a place online maybe where I can meet more people?

Hope you sort something out soon, and get over your personal shame. You deserve to be happy and proud!

Thank you.

[Hellie]

Thats whats happed with my family, I think its because in my family its always been taboo to talk about sex/relationships and the like.

I think that's definitely a part of it too. I mean, I also get nervous when I see blatant sexual acts on tv with my family, even if it is between a man and a woman. However, when it's between a gay couple, it can be something as mundane as the couple staring at each other intently or holding hands or kissing, ect. So even these really non-sexual acts still get me to feel nervous. And of course the actual sexual acts make me very uncomfortable.

I don't think I could ever say to someone; "That guy's hot" or "I really feel I need to find a boyfriend". I just can't physically say those words(Its extremely hard for me to say the words "gay" or "sex", even when theres no one's around!:eek.

The problem with me is that I can do that with men that I find attractive. I can say out loud, "He's so hot. I'd do him." in like a joking manner and have laughs with my sister or sometimes even my mom (she's a rather young woman so we kid around about a lot of things). But with women, I don't feel comfortable just saying, "Wow. She's hot. I'd so do her." There have been a few times when I've sort of tried doing that and I feel really uncomfortable afterward.

But I do know what you mean about the whole sex issue. It's something that in general I find very awkward and uncomfortable to discuss with any of my family members.

When you say you feel embarrissed when you see "Homosexual acts", do you mean in general? Or only when you're around other people who know your gay?

It's mostly when I'm around other people who know I'm gay because I feel as though they are thinking, "Well she must be getting turned on by her.." or by "this and that" and that makes me very uncomfortable. If I'm on my own, I don't get as embarrassed, although sometimes I do. It's just that seeing gay people (men or women) together isn't that common for me so it will either excite me a lot or embarrass me. And even though that sounds quite contradictory, it happens to me (when I'm alone) depending on the movie, book, couple, circumstance, ect.

Personaly I don't think you are homophobic, its just the way you were raised.

I would agree with that. I mean, I don't think I'm homophobic where it counts. I don't ever harbor feelings of hate towards anyone who is gay, but I think growing up in our society I still have some homophobic tendencies.

It's like this show I saw on Oprah talking about some of the racists stereotypes we have, and the example given was how when we (it was mostly about 'women') walk in a dark or solitary street we tend to feel nervous or scared when we see black men but not so much when we see white men. Well, the notable discovery of that research was that it also happened to black women. So, black women too held this stereotype over black men.

Well, for me, even though I'm a gay, I still have some stereotypes in grained in me, like recently I've caught myself saying or thinking, "That's so gay" to situations where men are doing something that isn't positive, and I know that comes from a place of hate and ignorance and it's so strange because I can't believe I'm gay and saying stupid things like that. I mean, I'm trying to get better. I'm catching myself saying these things and consciously stopping, but these thoughts *are* on my mind.

Oh and.......
Welcome!:biggrin:

Ha! Thanks! :redface:

[Hellie]

Hello Hellie and welcome. It sounds like the fundamental thing might be to try getting out a bit more and just making a few friends. If you find a few of those just happen to be gay, bisexual or lesbian that would be a bit of a bonus.

I know. I had a gay friend back in high school but I wasn't "out" and he was so I could never form that close bond with him like I wanted. So that relationship, unfortunately, didn't help me be more comfortable with myself because I was too busy hiding who I was. And now, we've lost touch after college.

But yes, I definitely want to form relationships with gay men and women. That is something I know is really important.

I found talking to a counsellor helped me find the language that was not in my vocabulary to help me come better to terms with my sexuality.

May I ask, how exactly did you approach your counselor? Meaning, what did you ask him/her when discussing this topic?

Thank you! mile:

[marshlander]

... May I ask, how exactly did you approach your counselor? Meaning, what did you ask him/her when discussing this topic?...

Hmm, it was a few years ago and I'm trying to remember the sequence of events. As far as I recall I just included it as one of a list of things that were going on for me at the time when he was trying to get a picture of my situation - you know how it goes ... "just made redundant from my job, feeling rather stressed trying to set up in business by myself; 14 year-old son expelled from school after drugs related incidents, his twin sister took a whole bottle of painkillers and I found her unconscious the day after someone else found her passed out by the side of a busy main road after downing a bottle of vodka bought for her by a man in our village; finding married life a bit difficult although my wife and I had been unhappily at war for decades, my mother just died, oh and by the way I fell madly in love with a local man I met a few times and who wouldn't have anything to do with me after he'd had his way and after we'd been e-mailing, telephoning and texting several times a day for months; I finally admitted to my wife I think I have probably always been gay, but she was a Mormon and she tricked me into going to see a church counsellor who tried to get me to agree to sign up for reparative therapy; she screams at me from evening through till morning, has assaulted me physically and sexually and when I come home from work she demands a breakdown of how I spent every fifteen minutes of the day, everyone I spoke to, what we said, what we did, who I telephoned and whether I had had any messages from anyone and what they were about ... " I think that's how the first session went. It took me a few more sessions before I was able to talk about the really dramatic stuff that was going on

[JtheYoungBear]

The one thing I found that helped me to find comfort in who I am was to get into a circle of friends whom are Gay, Lesbian or Bi. This has helped immensely when I first came out of my shell as Gay (after a long struggle with thinking that I was Bi).

I used to be so bashful around anything revolving Gay sex, relationships and all that, but usually the comfort of others who can talk about it without batting an eye, and keeping observant of their own insights while thinking about your own sexuality can help immensely.

[Hellie]

Thanks, guys! I really do think I just need to find some gay friends in my town to really socialize with and also talk about this subject openly during my counseling sessions.