06-17-2010, 02:18 AM
I figured I would offer up some insight and advice, based on my own experiences in the past 17 years of my life coming to grips with my own sexuality. What prompted me to write this is that I have a very close friend right now that is dealing with issues of his own sexuality, among other things, and it got me to thinking that I should organize something that may help him, and help others.
Preface
This is intended to be an insight, based on my own experiences from teenage years to adulthood. It was a long 14-year battle for me to finally realize who I was when it came to orientation, and this is a detail-by-detail process that I went through in order to find myself, and my own acceptance.
The Teenage Years
At 13, I had my first girlfriend. Well, she thought I was her boyfriend, but in my mind, I was freaking out. I was not prepared to have a girlfriend, and I totally detested the idea. At that time, I was finding out about my own sexual arousal, and it was towards women. In a way, it was strange. I would have fantasies about doing things with girls I saw, but when it came to spending time with my 'girlfriend', I just didn't want any of it. I had no attraction. But peer pressure is a challenging thing. But thankfully, that only lasted a month, and I shed no tears over that.
I also had some random thoughts in my head at this time about two guys having sex. At first, I totally detested the idea, and thought to my self 'why in the world am I even thinking about that? GROSS!'. And around this time, I discovered masturbation, and found that I was spending a good amount of 'alone time' and doing this.
At 15, I was in my Sophmore year of High School. I had English fifth period every day. There was something about my English teacher that I thought was peculiar when I was in that class, but was not sure what it was. Until one night I was having my 'alone time' before going to sleep, and all of a sudden I had these fantasies about my English teacher, about what he looked like under his shirt (and from what i could tell, he did have a hairy chest with the way it protruded from his shirt). And at that point, I probably had the best orgasm a 15 year-old ever could. When I finished, and cleaned up, I was nervous; shaking. I was going to myself 'WTF am I thinking here???' 'What does that mean?'. I got a huge bout of shame and depression right there, because I just felt really awkward that I just had this fantasy about my English teacher. It was hard to sleep that night.
However, the next day, and all through Sophmore year, fifth period was my time to fantasize about the teacher. I just kept staring at him, and not listening to a word he said, but just in such an euphoria that I could not describe. When I was away from the class, I constantly questioned myself - 'was this right?'. When I was in High School, it was hard being Gay, and especially in the hometown that I grew up in. Very rough and blue-collar. Throughout my time in High School, a lot of kids would call me a 'fa**ot'. I never had a girlfriend throughout HS, aside from the one-month in Junior High.
For the rest of my HS career, I began having fantasies about another English teacher, the Principal, and even the band instructor. All sorts of stuff. Throughout this time, I still thought about girls. And also, I kept myself so confused as to what I was looking for. I did vow to myself to keep these things in my head only. I could not tell a single soul about my inhibitions. And it stayed this way all through graduation.
College Life, and Early 20s
After my HS graduation, I worked part-time and went to a community college. My struggle within continued on, as I found both girls and guys attractive, kept my feelings dormant, and wondered what it would be like to experiment. I was so scared of doing the wrong thing, so I spent a good chunk of this time with the crushes I had, and not acting on them. I was just so unsure of myself. I then graduated community college and began working in the office environment. During this time, I did date two girls out of peer pressure, and those relationships only lasted 2-3 months each.
Around this time, I found the show Survivor. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Richard Hatch. My jaw literally hit the floor, and I was awestruck. I watched every episode of that show, and spent 'alone time' almost every night thinking about him. I was totally in love with him, and so wanted him. His time on the show ended, but a local rock station picked him up and had him as a guest weekly. I then found out he lived not too far from me at the time, and I wished I could connect with him. Sadly, my struggle continued on.
Beyond College - Young Adulthood
So at this point, I am now working fulltime. In an office full of men. A couple I definitely found attractive. BUT.... the men at this firm were beyond homophobic. I knew right away that I just really had to shell that part of me, and all the while, I was just still so confused.... until I finally sat down and thought about it. I finally began coming to terms with that fact that I could be Bisexual. And in the way I put it to myself is, I like the best of both worlds. I find women attractive, and men attractive. I could live with this, and see where things go.
In my early 20s, I moved out of my parents' house. My first apartment, and it was good times. I had friends over all the time, I partied, I lived life. I thought I was moving up. At the same time though, I still just had some exploration to do with the men side of my Bisexuality. Through a coincidence, I found out that Richard Hatch had a profile on a Bear dating site. So, logging onto the site, I got to see him fully in the buff. And from there, it was like letting a bull loose in a China shop - for I was on that site for hours on end, just looking... looking... stopping for some 'alone time', and more looking. It was total bliss.
I then found one other dating site, and browsed the galleries there quite a bit. Around this time, I began hanging out with a Gay couple in my complex, and we became friends very fast. I was over there every chance I got, and they were so happy to see me, and loved that I accepted them as a Gay couple. They kissed in front of me, and it did not bother me one bit. One night after a bit of drinking, they actually invited me into a 3-way with the two of them. I thought about it, and shrugged it off, and everything was cool. They also had another friend that lived in the next building, who was also Gay. I began developing a crush on him, and actually tried to look for a way to get with him. Sadly enough, he moved suddenly one day. To this day, I hope everything is well in his life.
Around this time, I began having issues with my own life, and had to give up the apartment. And also gave up the freedom to explore my new-found vices, but the memories of all that I experienced remained. And I began longing for a warm body next to me in bed on a nightly basis. I spent many lonely nights from here up until 29, feeling like I had no courage, no way to let myself out. And I was realizing that my attraction to women was diminishing, and my attraction to men growing ever-so fast. I questioned myself here, up until the age of 29: 'Am I Gay?'
The Coming Out
Well, one lonely night, I took the plunge: I signed up to my first Gay dating site, and hit the chat room. I was quite nervous; I did not know what to expect. I began talking to one guy a few states away, and we chatted about first time experiences. Things were all fine and dandy until he said he wanted to 'roll my fat ass over and fuck me like a pig'. My peek out of the closet turned into me slamming the door, and cowering in the corner.
But that did not faze me out. I went back for round two the next day. I talked with another guy, who was interested in meeting me and seeing how things went... up until he found out that I was 6'3 and 280. He never responded after that. Well, oh well. And then came along another guy, who approached me easily, very politely, and very open-minded. We exchanged pictures, and became very fast friends. We began talking on the phone. He helped ease my discomfort, and started to do things noone has ever done to me - change my outlook on life, make me realize that there are awesome people in the world, and after meeting him for the first time, and our friendship launching from there, helping me to realize and accept that I am Gay. I am a Gay man, and that is all there is to that. My confusion came to an abrupt halt, and for once, I felt the comfort of being able to love who I want to love, and to accept the one aspect of my life that I struggled with for a long time.
Present Day
I am 32. I work, attend school, and have dated four men. As of right now, I am living with one guy that we are slowly working on things in a relationship. I have learned a lot from the past three years. I learned that I don't have to wear my sexuality on my sleeve; it is only one part that makes me a person. I ultimately desire a connection with that special man, and to make a lifetime committment in an equal partnership. I look at my life now, and am hoping to have that man I love stand next to me, and know that there is a special bond between us, that only counts to us. We only matter to each other. I also learned that Gay men, Lesbians, Bisexuals, we all exist around the world - in every shape, color, creed, religion, no matter what. Sexuality is just one part that makes a person whole. Who you love is your choice; what you accept that you are attracted to. Noone can take that away from you - absolutely noone.
Preface
This is intended to be an insight, based on my own experiences from teenage years to adulthood. It was a long 14-year battle for me to finally realize who I was when it came to orientation, and this is a detail-by-detail process that I went through in order to find myself, and my own acceptance.
The Teenage Years
At 13, I had my first girlfriend. Well, she thought I was her boyfriend, but in my mind, I was freaking out. I was not prepared to have a girlfriend, and I totally detested the idea. At that time, I was finding out about my own sexual arousal, and it was towards women. In a way, it was strange. I would have fantasies about doing things with girls I saw, but when it came to spending time with my 'girlfriend', I just didn't want any of it. I had no attraction. But peer pressure is a challenging thing. But thankfully, that only lasted a month, and I shed no tears over that.
I also had some random thoughts in my head at this time about two guys having sex. At first, I totally detested the idea, and thought to my self 'why in the world am I even thinking about that? GROSS!'. And around this time, I discovered masturbation, and found that I was spending a good amount of 'alone time' and doing this.
At 15, I was in my Sophmore year of High School. I had English fifth period every day. There was something about my English teacher that I thought was peculiar when I was in that class, but was not sure what it was. Until one night I was having my 'alone time' before going to sleep, and all of a sudden I had these fantasies about my English teacher, about what he looked like under his shirt (and from what i could tell, he did have a hairy chest with the way it protruded from his shirt). And at that point, I probably had the best orgasm a 15 year-old ever could. When I finished, and cleaned up, I was nervous; shaking. I was going to myself 'WTF am I thinking here???' 'What does that mean?'. I got a huge bout of shame and depression right there, because I just felt really awkward that I just had this fantasy about my English teacher. It was hard to sleep that night.
However, the next day, and all through Sophmore year, fifth period was my time to fantasize about the teacher. I just kept staring at him, and not listening to a word he said, but just in such an euphoria that I could not describe. When I was away from the class, I constantly questioned myself - 'was this right?'. When I was in High School, it was hard being Gay, and especially in the hometown that I grew up in. Very rough and blue-collar. Throughout my time in High School, a lot of kids would call me a 'fa**ot'. I never had a girlfriend throughout HS, aside from the one-month in Junior High.
For the rest of my HS career, I began having fantasies about another English teacher, the Principal, and even the band instructor. All sorts of stuff. Throughout this time, I still thought about girls. And also, I kept myself so confused as to what I was looking for. I did vow to myself to keep these things in my head only. I could not tell a single soul about my inhibitions. And it stayed this way all through graduation.
College Life, and Early 20s
After my HS graduation, I worked part-time and went to a community college. My struggle within continued on, as I found both girls and guys attractive, kept my feelings dormant, and wondered what it would be like to experiment. I was so scared of doing the wrong thing, so I spent a good chunk of this time with the crushes I had, and not acting on them. I was just so unsure of myself. I then graduated community college and began working in the office environment. During this time, I did date two girls out of peer pressure, and those relationships only lasted 2-3 months each.
Around this time, I found the show Survivor. I remember the first time I laid eyes on Richard Hatch. My jaw literally hit the floor, and I was awestruck. I watched every episode of that show, and spent 'alone time' almost every night thinking about him. I was totally in love with him, and so wanted him. His time on the show ended, but a local rock station picked him up and had him as a guest weekly. I then found out he lived not too far from me at the time, and I wished I could connect with him. Sadly, my struggle continued on.
Beyond College - Young Adulthood
So at this point, I am now working fulltime. In an office full of men. A couple I definitely found attractive. BUT.... the men at this firm were beyond homophobic. I knew right away that I just really had to shell that part of me, and all the while, I was just still so confused.... until I finally sat down and thought about it. I finally began coming to terms with that fact that I could be Bisexual. And in the way I put it to myself is, I like the best of both worlds. I find women attractive, and men attractive. I could live with this, and see where things go.
In my early 20s, I moved out of my parents' house. My first apartment, and it was good times. I had friends over all the time, I partied, I lived life. I thought I was moving up. At the same time though, I still just had some exploration to do with the men side of my Bisexuality. Through a coincidence, I found out that Richard Hatch had a profile on a Bear dating site. So, logging onto the site, I got to see him fully in the buff. And from there, it was like letting a bull loose in a China shop - for I was on that site for hours on end, just looking... looking... stopping for some 'alone time', and more looking. It was total bliss.
I then found one other dating site, and browsed the galleries there quite a bit. Around this time, I began hanging out with a Gay couple in my complex, and we became friends very fast. I was over there every chance I got, and they were so happy to see me, and loved that I accepted them as a Gay couple. They kissed in front of me, and it did not bother me one bit. One night after a bit of drinking, they actually invited me into a 3-way with the two of them. I thought about it, and shrugged it off, and everything was cool. They also had another friend that lived in the next building, who was also Gay. I began developing a crush on him, and actually tried to look for a way to get with him. Sadly enough, he moved suddenly one day. To this day, I hope everything is well in his life.
Around this time, I began having issues with my own life, and had to give up the apartment. And also gave up the freedom to explore my new-found vices, but the memories of all that I experienced remained. And I began longing for a warm body next to me in bed on a nightly basis. I spent many lonely nights from here up until 29, feeling like I had no courage, no way to let myself out. And I was realizing that my attraction to women was diminishing, and my attraction to men growing ever-so fast. I questioned myself here, up until the age of 29: 'Am I Gay?'
The Coming Out
Well, one lonely night, I took the plunge: I signed up to my first Gay dating site, and hit the chat room. I was quite nervous; I did not know what to expect. I began talking to one guy a few states away, and we chatted about first time experiences. Things were all fine and dandy until he said he wanted to 'roll my fat ass over and fuck me like a pig'. My peek out of the closet turned into me slamming the door, and cowering in the corner.
But that did not faze me out. I went back for round two the next day. I talked with another guy, who was interested in meeting me and seeing how things went... up until he found out that I was 6'3 and 280. He never responded after that. Well, oh well. And then came along another guy, who approached me easily, very politely, and very open-minded. We exchanged pictures, and became very fast friends. We began talking on the phone. He helped ease my discomfort, and started to do things noone has ever done to me - change my outlook on life, make me realize that there are awesome people in the world, and after meeting him for the first time, and our friendship launching from there, helping me to realize and accept that I am Gay. I am a Gay man, and that is all there is to that. My confusion came to an abrupt halt, and for once, I felt the comfort of being able to love who I want to love, and to accept the one aspect of my life that I struggled with for a long time.
Present Day
I am 32. I work, attend school, and have dated four men. As of right now, I am living with one guy that we are slowly working on things in a relationship. I have learned a lot from the past three years. I learned that I don't have to wear my sexuality on my sleeve; it is only one part that makes me a person. I ultimately desire a connection with that special man, and to make a lifetime committment in an equal partnership. I look at my life now, and am hoping to have that man I love stand next to me, and know that there is a special bond between us, that only counts to us. We only matter to each other. I also learned that Gay men, Lesbians, Bisexuals, we all exist around the world - in every shape, color, creed, religion, no matter what. Sexuality is just one part that makes a person whole. Who you love is your choice; what you accept that you are attracted to. Noone can take that away from you - absolutely noone.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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