Tired of not being me.

[Boximus]

I just need to tell/ask someone about this.

Short Version: My roommates are both straight guys and huge homophobes. My family is religious. I am gay. No one knows. I'm tired of not being able to be myself. Wth do I do?

Long Version:

I feel trapped in my own life. I have been getting more and more turned on by guys in the past few years, until finally I realized that women don't really do much for me anymore. Now, I don't know any gay people, male or female. I don't have a lot of means to go out on my own due to a crappy job. And I'm pretty sure none of my family or friends would still want me around if they knew I am gay.

My family is religious on both sides going back 4 generations, and I was raised the same, but I didn't take to it as much. I am only close to my Mother, younger sister, older sister, and brother in law. So family is scarce to begin with, and I just can't see my Mother being ok with this. She is very open to things and easy going, but she has a few subjects that are just plain taboo. Homosexuality is one of those subjects. Every time I see her she is so happy I'm making it on my own. She is encouraging, and helps me out when she can. However I can't shake the feeling that she would not want me to come around anymore if she knew, and it makes my stomach sick.

As far as friends are concerned the biggest problem is my living situation. I live with 2 friends in a house. One of them owns the house, and I pay him rent. They are both giant homophobes, as are most of the people I know due to living in TN. I almost feel like my house is becoming a prison because I can't be myself when they're around, and one of them doesn't have to work so he is home a lot. Now, I'm not attracted to either of them, but I just know they would kick me out if they knew.

I can only think of one person who I might tell, and for two reasons. First, she is very out going and seems like she might be ok with it. Second, she is not family nor part of my main group of friends. However, she is a friend of the family, and sometimes stops by my Mothers. So my family would eventually find out.

I just don't know what to do, and it keeps me up at night. I've been biding my time for months now trying to find a better job so I can afford a place before I tell anyone, but I'm not having any luck. I want to start changing a lot about myself, but I can't because it would give me away. One example is my hair. It is long now and I can't get it styled the way I want. I'd love to have that smooth silky hair I see on all my friends girlfriends, but that would be like sticking a sign on my head that says I'm gay.

I just don't know what to do. It's getting harder and harder to act like someone I now realize I'm not. Please help.

[marshlander]

Hi Boximus,

Is your name anything to do with the situation you perceive your to be in? It doesn't sound like a lot of fun :frown:

First of all, welcome to this site. There are some good people here and even if we don't always know each other in real life there are some good virtual friendships here. If I have this right it sounds like the thing that feels most difficult for you is that you don't feel able to be yourself without running the risk of some dramatic repercussions? Most people who make homophobic remarks seem not to have any gay people in their intimate circles of friends and family. It is far easier to demonise the "others" than it is to pretend that one of our own is beyond the pail. I always felt that my father was homophobic and I was never going to tell him about me and my (at the time) secret life. However, once we had a chance to talk he pretty much instantly stopped making the kind of hurtful remarks I had been used to. At the time he was an active Mormon, so even in nutcase religious communities compassion is an option!

Your mother sounds like a lovely woman. If you could be brave enough you have an opportunity for helping her become even lovelier by sharing your concerns with her. She may not deal well with it at first. Religious brainwashing reaches far into the soul - they've had thousands of years of practice at it - but there is something even more fundamental and that is a biological blood tie. I believe that if you can find the best way of reaching her she has the potential to become your strongest ally and advocate. I am aware though, that these things can go horribly wrong. The number of homeless boys on the streets of Salt Lake City is testament to that.

I believe it is in your interest to develop some friends with whom you can be more at ease. The potential consequences of carrying on like this are unpleasant. You may consider that changing jobs or moving home is not an option, because you've been looking for such a long time. I have no idea of your circumstances of course, but breaking your challenges down into simpler bits might help. Looking at the whole problem must be overwhelming. Try not to give up. Carrying on looking for a better paid job sounds like one way of putting your plan into action. In the meantime, have a think about whether mother might be softened up a little?

Good luck.

[juk]

Hi Boximus

Marshlander has given great advice as usual! I can only echo what he has said.

Maybe you should make the work/money situation your goal right now. Do whatever you can/need to to make a work change happen, whether that be applying for 1000 jobs, or even if it is getting extra qualifications in order to make it happen.

The people here are supportive and although that doesnt solve your problems right now, we are here to support you through everything you are going through.

[Gareth125]

Hi , yes marsh has indeed given good advice. My advice would be to tell someone more distant from you and build up the courage and get support to work inwards to telling closer family members . Dont end up like me , in the closet for years and only came out about 3 weeks ago at the age of 40 . Be the person you were born to be

[West_coast_Steven]

Hello, the two replies that I read have it right. Find a job that pays better then worry about telling people about your sexual orientation. I would say the first person you must tell is yourself. You must be confident with your sexual orientation before telling others.

Before coming out to my family I took into account the repercussions of it. I found that my parents were easier to tell then I thought. Then came the point f me telling my friends. That was the hard part for me, I didn't know how they would react if they would still be my friends etc.

So a brief encounter with telling a good friend, I had been working with this guy. He was my patrol partner, it seemed that everyday he would say 'your gay' and my reply would be no 'i'm metrosexual' just to throw him off and so he wouldn't tell my business to my other patrol partners. So months went by and we continued on and eventually I decided to tell him. So I had already told one of my fellow partners that I was gay (I told him because he was) he was also good friends with my primary patrol partner. So I called him on three-way and told him. He was shocked at first but took it in.

Ever since telling him things have been a little different. We are still good friends I would say one of my best friends. So before you tell anyone please do consider what your friends are going to think before your family. Friends are replaceable family is not.

[peterinmalaga]

I agree with everything that Marsh says, I normally do. But I don't have his patience. It's time to grab life by the balls and go for what you want now. You're young and you're gorgeous. If it doesn't work out now, it never will. The new job is an option but I think you need the big changes now and nothing else will work for you.


You have never seen your Mum and your Mum has never seen you, so what is the big risk in letting her meet the real you? Your Mum sees the son she thinks she has but that is an illusion. I think that she would be OK. Marsh is definitely right about that one.


Talk to the friend now. She is the best card for you to play right now.


Move into a gay household. Pay rent to another gay man. If you should move into the wrong gay household, you only have to try another one. I doubt if that will be necessary though. Living in a gay environment will bring you peace of mind, gay friends and lots, lots more.


"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
— Mahatma Gandhi


"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart."
— Erma Bombeck


"The future depends on what you do today."
— Mahatma Gandhi


"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."
— Mother Teresa

[Boximus]

Thank you everyone who posted here. All of the comments helped.

I am slowly gaining more courage, and redoubling my efforts in the job hunt. I'm also going to tell that one friend as soon as I find a good time. With any luck I will start making progress in pushing this boulder up hill. mile:

[Kiid]

Do you know if there are any support groups around your area? Cos if there are they can help sooo much!

[marshlander]

... I am slowly gaining more courage, and redoubling my efforts in the job hunt. I'm also going to tell that one friend as soon as I find a good time. With any luck I will start making progress in pushing this boulder up hill. mile:

Good man!

Good luck.

Keep us posted mile:

[peterinmalaga]

Thank you everyone who posted here. All of the comments helped.

I am slowly gaining more courage, and redoubling my efforts in the job hunt. I'm also going to tell that one friend as soon as I find a good time. With any luck I will start making progress in pushing this boulder up hill. mile:

OK but you're not Sysiphus. He was condemned to push the boulder by the gods. You have options. You can make a good time to tell your friend.
Good luck.