Am I gay?

[T29]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some advice. I am currently in a straight relationship with a girl that I love very much and hope to spend the rest of my life with but for years I have been visiting gay chat rooms and generally have an online gay persona. I have lots of online friends who think I am gay and I regularly chat to them about men, sex and going out to clubs etc. In my real life I don't really find men attractive and still am very attracted to women. I also don't really have any wish to have sex with a man. I do however get turned on by the idea of being gay and often get very aroused when I'm talking on gay chat rooms.

So do you think I am actually gay or just have an fantasy/fetish?

[Uranus1]

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to get some advice. I am currently in a straight relationship with a girl that I love very much and hope to spend the rest of my life with but for years I have been visiting gay chat rooms and generally have an online gay persona. I have lots of online friends who think I am gay and I regularly chat to them about men, sex and going out to clubs etc. In my real life I don't really find men attractive and still am very attracted to women. I also don't really have any wish to have sex with a man. I do however get turned on by the idea of being gay and often get very aroused when I'm talking on gay chat rooms.

So do you think I am actually gay or just have an fantasy/fetish?

ANSWER:
Being 'gay' is much more than just connecting with guys in a chat room and talking about sex with guys. Likewise, being straight is much more complicated than just having sex with a girl and hoping to spend the rest of your life with her.

Although some guys - either gay or straight - instinctively know beyond any reasonable doubt they are either gay or straight from early childhood on. However, many more find out what really makes them happy with themself only after much personal experience while traveling life's path.

[A teacher friend of mine I knew for quite a few years always was fond of telling me:
"There is nothing like having personal experiences for a teacher."]

The important points to carefully consider in all this are - and I stress this with any client that comes to me should sexual orientation be one of the reasons why they sought out my advice:

1) Always be truly honest with yourself about anything - including sexual issues.
2) Be who you are, not what others (or social and religious pressure) deem you
should be.
3) And when you make a decision which involves someone else - like your marriage
partner - be very sure you are not coming into a relationship with doubts about your
own position in life.

Living your life by yourself is one thing, but sharing your life with another person obligates you to being open and honest with yourself at all times.

If for some reason you find yourself not knowing why you feel the way you do about sexual fantasies, inclinations, or why you harbour a few "back-seated desires" regarding sex, then perhaps that is a warning sign that you just may not be ready for that total committment - to either a girl or a guy.

DJ

[peterinmalaga]

Hello everyone,

I don't really have any wish to have sex with a man.
I do however get turned on by the idea of being gay and often get very aroused when I'm talking on gay chat rooms.

There seems to be a paradox here. Your wish not to have gay sex doesn't seem compatible with your high state of arousal in gay chat rooms.

[marshlander]

Whatever eventually happens, you are in a relationship where your girlfriend is probably hatching plans of her own for your future together. Does she know about your "online gay persona"? I assume you are not under the impression that it is going to be okay to carry on with that once settled and living together in a permanent relationship, married or not, without her knowledge and understanding? Those of us who deceived ourselves into thinking it would all work out have caused our (ex) marriage partners a lot of grief.

Good luck sorting it out. What too many straight people don't seem to get is that being gay is having the capacity to love and be loved by someone of the same sex. They tend to fix on what they imagine gay men do, rather than who they are. There are, of course, many ways in which love may be manifested.

[marsyas]

Well, T29 I don't know if you are gay, this is after all something that you need to figure out for yourself (don't expect others to make life-altering decisions for you), but I have a little story for you. Some months ago I hooked up with a guy who had just come out of a gay relationship - in fact he was damped but that's besides the point. To cut a long story short, as is usually the case, there was pillow talk and he gave me his story. It turns out that he knew he was gay from the beginning. Still he thought it nice to enter in a relationship with a girl. The relationship lasted 8 years. It began when they were both 20 (still in Cuba) and ended at 28 in the UK some months before they got married. They made plans for a family. In the meantime, this guy slept with colleagues, students, strangers and of course with his fiancee. Eventually he found the courage to own the truth to his woman. She was frustrated and disappointed. Who wouldn't be! Her life was turned upside down in just one moment. She lost eight years of her life with a lowlife coward, who thought that he can play games with people's lifes. He claimed that he couldn't resist intelligence and had to sleep with intelligent people irrespective of their sex. If you ask me this is egoism inflated with inferiority complex and identity issues. Now, I am not claiming you do the same, but there are some similarities. There is obvious something going on here, otherwise why pretend to be gay. Chances are you might be gay and come out when you are more mature. On the other side, this may never happen. You might not even be gay. Who knows? It is high time you sought professional help. There is also MIND an organisation which can help when one has doubts with one's sexual identity. Please use it. If you really love your girlfriend and, of course, yourself you need to be clear before you move on. Don't destroy your life. Don't destroy her life. Good luck!

[marshlander]

... There is also MIND a organisation which can help when one has doubts with one's sexual identity...

Really? They do that? Why did no one tell me when I helped move them from their old West End hq into the new one in 1973? I bought all the paint!

[Gareth125]

Whatever eventually happens, you are in a relationship where your girlfriend is probably hatching plans of her own for your future together. Does she know about your "online gay persona"? I assume you are not under the impression that it is going to be okay to carry on with that once settled and living together in a permanent relationship, married or not, without her knowledge and understanding? Those of us who deceived ourselves into thinking it would all work out have caused our (ex) marriage partners a lot of grief.

Good luck sorting it out. What too many straight people don't seem to get is that being gay is having the capacity to love and be loved by someone of the same sex. They tend to fix on what they imagine gay men do, rather than who they are. There are, of course, many ways in which love may be manifested.

I totally agree with what Marsh is saying , Ive just come out at the age of 40 , fought it for years pretending they were fantasies , that they would go away when i met the right girl etc . Then after years of fighting my own turmoil inside i realised they wouldnt go away , by which time i was married , had responsibilites , morgage , children , and that kept me in the closet because i was thinking of other people rather than what I wanted and more importantantly who I really was . Denial is a powerful thing , we are taught to surpress our emotions and feelings all the time , live up to what people expect of ourselves. Those outside factors are so powerful . We dont want to dissapoint those who we care about , our family , our loved ones . You dont choose to be gay in my opinion , it chooses you , you have no control over it , just in the same way you can't choose what colour eyes you were born with.
Don't wait till your life is even more complicated than it is now to come out . I kept telling myself that when my realationship finished that would be the right time for me to come out , but it never did , the moment never came . Months turned into years and I got this sense of urgency inside that time was running out .
My advice would be to look deep inside yourself , because deep down I think you will know already , you might be wishing so hard that it's not true , you might be willing it not to be .
I wish you all the best , whatever you decide to do , be happy with who you were born to be and remember you only have one life.

[T29]

Thanks all for the advice. Will take it all on board.