Advice Please

[Steven]

Hey Guys,

To be honest I really need some personal experience here,

I've been with the guy I posted about in here http://gayspeak.com/relationships-guys/1...i-not.html for the past 2 months, Since that post we've officially got together as boyfriends etc.

The main problem however is the fact I'm scared that he will just get rid of me if someone finds out....I know how much he cares for me & he has been the best boyfriend I've had so far, but I know also how scared he is of incase people find out he's bi.

Another bad thing is that we only seem to see each other 1/2 times a week (usually for about 4 hours each time), in the past his gf's have dumped him because he hasn't got enough time....but now because of the gay thing we can't even meet up in public places so if he had problems with meeting lasses what about me when we can't even show affection outside etc???

So basically I need some personal experience of someone who's been with a guy who's confused...in his first gay relationship and scared of people finding out, or just advice from someone =)


Cheers guys....really appreciated, I'm really confused, I think of him all the time but I'm so confused about things.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I'm really sorry cuz I don't have personal experience with such a thing and I'm still writing here. However, I'd advice you to just talk about this with him. Maybe you can help him get over his fear of people learning he's bi.

[DtotheJtotheM]

Two friends of mine, a gay couple, have been together fifteen years upon emerging from an almost identical situation. The family of the one who had not come out accepted it fully. Is there anything to suggest that his family might react badly?

[marshlander]

Much as I hate generalising I'm going to. I would imagine that Doncaster may not be the easiest place in which to be openly gay? I would also imagine the worst thing would be having nowhere to go to do the things boyfriends want to do, without fear of interruption? I appreciate that seeing each other for only once or twice a week seems a bit of a trial (I would love to be able to see my man that often), but many relationship manage on less time than this, specially in their early days.

To be honest, it sounds like you have a bit of a problem acknowledging your own worth. You are a catch and if he doesn't reach out to hang on to you then more fool him. You in turn might have to work out at some stage how many of his issues you are prepared to share. There's nothing wrong in sharing his burdens, but we all have a breaking point. If the relationship fails it will be sad for a while, but it won't be the end of the world - honest.

Best wishes and good luck to you both.

[fredv3b]

To be honest if he were outed what's the point in him then dumping you, the damage is done. (Although things might be a bit rocky for a bit).

I am sure he doesn't want to be in the closet forever. While I was in the closet I used to dream of being out but for years I couldn't see how I could imagine that leap. He may well be in a similar position. If I were you I would gently try to get him to think positively about the possibility of being out of the closet and to think about whether his fears about the negatives are realistic.

Just my thoughts....

[peterinmalaga]

I would advise you to be patient, Steven. Little by little he will come out of the closet, I think. It may take a year or even two. If you love him it's worth it. Relax, he's not going to leave you. Do you live at home with Mum and Dad or have you got a place of your own? Don't worry about coming out until both of you are ready for it.

[russiantwink]

I am also afraid of my locals finding out that I'm gay (they would literally kill me) but that's not a problem because I meet other guys outside my local area. Just stay away from city-centers...

[marshlander]

I am also afraid of my locals finding out that I'm gay (they would literally kill me) but that's not a problem because I meet other guys outside my local area. Just stay away from city-centers...

I hope you are not talking about Bognor??

[russiantwink]

I hope you are not talking about Bognor??

To be entirely honest, i live next to Bognor but didn't wanna reveal my real location just in case
The problem is that Russians are aggressively homophobic, even my family. Once we had a conversation and my parents said that they would cut my balls off if I was gay.
There are some British locals who found out about me - they damaged my motorbike, shown me every gesture known to humans, shouted at me and sprayed on the walls of my backyard. But after I installed CCTV, they pissed off. My total loss was about 5 grand :frown:

[Laiikos]

As much as it sucks - that's just the atmosphere we live in. If "in secret" is all he can do then you have to decide if the sacrifice is worth it.

When I was in the US Military, as many are aware we have the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy, and I couldn't be open. I however dated my boyfriend in England for nine months. We did go out in public - but we didn't show affection. We just hung out like friends - and those were the funnest moments. He himself wasn't ready to be out because he played Rugby. I'm not sure I could imagine the situation Jake will find himself in when they do find out. The point is though that I loved Jake and he loved me and even if we only got to see each other once or twice a week - those moments made up for all the missed time in between. One day the guy will make a decision - it may not be a decision you like, or it may - but the day will come. You just have to decide is the wait worth it.