Not gay but please help all the same

[bligyn]

I have come out as an asexual to all my friends and family and people have taken it very well. I am dating another girl and she is wonderful, we just don't do sex nor ever want to. Anyways I was talking to an old friend and he acted completely homophobic. I have not run into this, I want to shout to people that I care deeply for this girl but people think because she is a black female instead of a white male there may be trouble.

I have yet to personally face homophobia, and am not looking forward to it, on the other hand I like to be out in my affection of her. What should I do, and more importantly what should I expect being in Arkansas?

[colinmackay]

I've not quite worked out if you are male or female from your post. I'm going to assume male since your title is "not gay", however, you did say "another girl" in the post which does kind of challenge that assumption.

Anyway...

It is an interesting taboo. It is along the same vein as simply not wanting to repoduce (but still have an active sex life) which was discussed recently on the BBC: BBC News - The women who choose not to be mothers

There is an expectation that you should procreate and anything contrary to that must be "against the natural order of things". As I have learned since coming out, sexuality is much more varied that the traditional binary.

Up until about 2 weeks before I came out (just after my 35th Birthday) I was being asked by my dad when he was getting grandkids. (some people had actually assumed I was asexual.) I recall my responce to that question was to "f**k off". Luckily my mother was supportive and told my dad to stop pressuring me.

My suggestion is that it is no-ones business but you own whether you have sex or not. You sound like you are in an excellent and loving relationship and what you do (or don't do) in bed is entirely between yourselves. You don't need to tell anyone.

[colinmackay]

My other half just pointed out that asexual strictly means you are not interested in relationships, hugging, kissing, etc. either.

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[bligyn]

nope I am a girl dating a girl and I like hugs and pecks but I don't ever want sex nor am I physically attracted to anybody. Still I want romance.

[russiantwink]

As i understood, you are attracted to females which sort of makes you homosexual. There's nothing you can do, you will face some homophobia and in your case racism... If your "friend" is acting homophobic then he is not your friend...

[Wintereis]

Asexual people are very rare . . . more so than homosexuals. A friend of mine from college is asexual. I guess, what I want to know is, does the girl you are seeing know that you are asexual? and does she know that you are not interested in sex at all. From my understanding of your particular circumstance, you are in a relationship which is very much akin to a very intimate friendship, one witch involves a limited degree of physical affection. This will help you to some degree while dealing with homophobia. A peck on the cheek and holding hands in public is not all that unusual for women who are simply friends. Yet, the fact that you are in a relationship with her complicates things. Those people who you know well, will have to know about the relationship. Dealing with homophobia can be tricky. . . Though, it does reveal the nature of some of your other relationships. Those who are willing to stick by you know matter what are the friends worth keeping. Remember that. I would say to be careful. The degree of acceptable same sex PDA in conservative parts of the U.S. are limited. Yet, in this day and age . . . few people are likely to do more than give you a dirty look or make negative comments. As far as the biracial coupling goes, though I am in a conservative part of the nation, I am not in the South and biracial couples here have very few problems that I am aware of. I would venture to say, however, that it may hold the same results as the homophobia will . . . it is more likely to reveal to you who your true friends are.

[bligyn]

Yes we are both asexuals, I don't think it would be right going into a relationship without my significant other knowing. And I guess I should be more specific. I want to yell to the sky that this girl means the world to me. Should I tell all my friends and aquaintences, this fall I have a speech coming up and I want to do it on asexuality, but besides that when people ask me if I'm dating do I take out my billfold and show her off for all the world to see? (she is transgendered in that she is androgynous so some would confuse her for a guy, 'she' is just a useful pronoun) I annouced on facebook I was dating a girl and that went over pretty well, but what about strangers or classmates who ask? Basically, is it wise or unwise to gush?

[Wintereis]

It is always unwise to gush to strangers . . . and irritating to do it to the same group of friends over and over. Be happy, gush minimally, and enjoy yourself.