How NOT to come out to everyone.
08-09-2010, 02:02 AM
Hey guys!
Some posts here are stories from people who have come out and have had good feedback from their friends/family. Well, the truth is, mine didn't go so well. Currently, EVERYONE knows but my mother. Well, I'm pretty sure she knows, I just haven't verified it yet.
I came out to my best friend at the time one night. I didn't even plan it. As I was the part of the local ASBO group, ( not that I have an ASBO, or any kind of criminal record) we'd all been drinking in a park one night. I don't remember if I was really drunk or not- but I can still remember telling my friend that I was bisexual. She took that pretty well, it was all OK. I told her I didn't care if she told anyone, but to leave telling anyone else until after the weekend. I planned to have told all of my close friends before the weekend was over. Note; this was a Saturday night.
Lesson 1; Don't set yourself a time limit. Take your time and do it right, I managed to miss out a few people in the short time I had to tell everyone. This caused hurt for some people who didn't think I trusted them enough with my secret.
A few weeks on, the school was still buzzing about my apparent bisexuality. Everyone had so many questions to ask. The most difficult question was the famous; If there was a really hot boy at one side of the room and a really hot girl at the other, which one would you go to? I had absolutely no idea how to answer this question. Mainly, because I was afraid that people would judge me if they heard something they didn't like. I wanted to reply with the guy... because that was how I felt. Although I'd had sex with a girl ( tragically, I lost my virginity at the age of twelve with a friend(girl) at a sleepover- now, I can't look at her straight- we'll get to that.) and I didn't feel any kind of connection with that.Ofcorse this was all a huge secret. Very few people knew we were having sex and those who did were sworn to secrecy.
After a few weeks people started to comment upon the fact that I'd never had any kind of contact with a guy before. People who had once called me 'gayboy' daily, were now suggesting that I was an attention seeker and telling me that I was straight. Contradictive, right?
Later on in the same year, possibly winter 2008, I started to accept to myself that I was indeed 100% gay- well... sure that I liked men more than I could ever like a woman. So then, I had to tell everyone I was gay, not bisexual. I think all along I knew that I was gay. But I was fighting it off because I'd always wanted the perfect life with a wife and kids with the white picket fence and rose garden. Even still, I wish for that fate to come to me.
Lesson 2; Treat coming out like a game of hide and seek. You know when you think the seeker has seen you, but you're not too sure and you freeze for just a second. You wouldn't run out screaming YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CATCH ME! Don't say anything unless you're sure. Yes, confide in someone you trust enough to keep the information to themselves... someone who wont judge you. But don't tell EVERYONE when you're not 100% comfortable with the person you are.
However, I told everyone. I think my Aunt told my Dad because he began to question things a lot. I never told my Aunt anything more from then on. It was about this time when I had my first interaction with a guy- I was washing out my hairdye in my Aunts kitchen and my friends bisexual boyfriend told me I had a nice bum :redface:, yeah... you can imagine where my teenage hormones let that lead to.
The people in school where even more cruel now. The guys who had at one point not cared about my sexuality where now very distant and the changing rooms became a hell on earth. Constant slags and such childish things. Some of the girls started to act uncomfortable around me; because apparently I was weird and had a sick mind. My friends however, stuck by me throughout this experience. It was only the people that didn't matter that really took a step back from me. Even still, it kinda hurt to be humiliated for something that was my personality, I was still the same person I was the day before... but now I was just a little bit more open about myself.
Lesson 3; Sticks and stones, Don't rhyme that off everytime someone says something insulting- that's just crazy talk. But make mental note to think it. Your sexulity doesn't change you as a person; they know that. The majority of people who block you out after you come out are only doing so to make themselves look cool.
Two years on from this scene, much has changed. A fair few of guys are now comfortable with me. Some of the very same guys still have little taunts to throw at me every now and again, but I've learned to laugh along with them. They ask me questions and I am happy to answer and we've had a few friendly debates about homosexuals and christianity etc. but they always end in us all feeling a little more respect for eachother. The girls, well... they all grew to love me. I think they all figured out that the gay guy wasn't diseased, but rather a lot like them. I've had to keep my distance from a few though; I've heard that some of them have said they wouldn't be my friend If I wasn't gay. Stay away from these people... really, they're users.
BUT, even still... there will always be things that creep up on you. No matter how prepared you are for coming out you will never have it 100% right.
Lesson 4; Try not to doubt yourself for no reason. Here's why;
About a month ago I was having a conversation with a guy friend about my sexuality. He knew that I'd had sex with a girl before and didn't understand how everything worked out. He had a few intimate details he needed clearing up. I honestly had no idea how to answer his questions. He had some good points about my situation. How could I go from having sex to being disgusted by a vagina? Well, I was having doubts.
The girl I used to have sex with turned into a bit of a whore. Well, a mega whore. She's pretty easy, so I decided that I should try and figure it all out... with her. So, we got drunk around three weeks ago and whinded up having sex. Horrible, horrible, horrible 3 second sex until I definately changed my mind and knew for sure that it wasn't for me.
Moral of the story, I didn't do it right. Maybe you could all possibly learn from my mistakes? One huge regret is that everyone else knows about from some of my immediate family. My parents are divorced so, my dad wouldn't tell her If he knew for sure that I was indeed, gay. I think he'd like to get one up on her by knowing sooner . It's going to kill her to find out that she was the last to know. So, for everyone out there, considering the same transaction into the post-closet world. Tell your mothers first.
Some posts here are stories from people who have come out and have had good feedback from their friends/family. Well, the truth is, mine didn't go so well. Currently, EVERYONE knows but my mother. Well, I'm pretty sure she knows, I just haven't verified it yet.
I came out to my best friend at the time one night. I didn't even plan it. As I was the part of the local ASBO group, ( not that I have an ASBO, or any kind of criminal record) we'd all been drinking in a park one night. I don't remember if I was really drunk or not- but I can still remember telling my friend that I was bisexual. She took that pretty well, it was all OK. I told her I didn't care if she told anyone, but to leave telling anyone else until after the weekend. I planned to have told all of my close friends before the weekend was over. Note; this was a Saturday night.
Lesson 1; Don't set yourself a time limit. Take your time and do it right, I managed to miss out a few people in the short time I had to tell everyone. This caused hurt for some people who didn't think I trusted them enough with my secret.
A few weeks on, the school was still buzzing about my apparent bisexuality. Everyone had so many questions to ask. The most difficult question was the famous; If there was a really hot boy at one side of the room and a really hot girl at the other, which one would you go to? I had absolutely no idea how to answer this question. Mainly, because I was afraid that people would judge me if they heard something they didn't like. I wanted to reply with the guy... because that was how I felt. Although I'd had sex with a girl ( tragically, I lost my virginity at the age of twelve with a friend(girl) at a sleepover- now, I can't look at her straight- we'll get to that.) and I didn't feel any kind of connection with that.Ofcorse this was all a huge secret. Very few people knew we were having sex and those who did were sworn to secrecy.
After a few weeks people started to comment upon the fact that I'd never had any kind of contact with a guy before. People who had once called me 'gayboy' daily, were now suggesting that I was an attention seeker and telling me that I was straight. Contradictive, right?
Later on in the same year, possibly winter 2008, I started to accept to myself that I was indeed 100% gay- well... sure that I liked men more than I could ever like a woman. So then, I had to tell everyone I was gay, not bisexual. I think all along I knew that I was gay. But I was fighting it off because I'd always wanted the perfect life with a wife and kids with the white picket fence and rose garden. Even still, I wish for that fate to come to me.
Lesson 2; Treat coming out like a game of hide and seek. You know when you think the seeker has seen you, but you're not too sure and you freeze for just a second. You wouldn't run out screaming YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CATCH ME! Don't say anything unless you're sure. Yes, confide in someone you trust enough to keep the information to themselves... someone who wont judge you. But don't tell EVERYONE when you're not 100% comfortable with the person you are.
However, I told everyone. I think my Aunt told my Dad because he began to question things a lot. I never told my Aunt anything more from then on. It was about this time when I had my first interaction with a guy- I was washing out my hairdye in my Aunts kitchen and my friends bisexual boyfriend told me I had a nice bum :redface:, yeah... you can imagine where my teenage hormones let that lead to.
The people in school where even more cruel now. The guys who had at one point not cared about my sexuality where now very distant and the changing rooms became a hell on earth. Constant slags and such childish things. Some of the girls started to act uncomfortable around me; because apparently I was weird and had a sick mind. My friends however, stuck by me throughout this experience. It was only the people that didn't matter that really took a step back from me. Even still, it kinda hurt to be humiliated for something that was my personality, I was still the same person I was the day before... but now I was just a little bit more open about myself.
Lesson 3; Sticks and stones, Don't rhyme that off everytime someone says something insulting- that's just crazy talk. But make mental note to think it. Your sexulity doesn't change you as a person; they know that. The majority of people who block you out after you come out are only doing so to make themselves look cool.
Two years on from this scene, much has changed. A fair few of guys are now comfortable with me. Some of the very same guys still have little taunts to throw at me every now and again, but I've learned to laugh along with them. They ask me questions and I am happy to answer and we've had a few friendly debates about homosexuals and christianity etc. but they always end in us all feeling a little more respect for eachother. The girls, well... they all grew to love me. I think they all figured out that the gay guy wasn't diseased, but rather a lot like them. I've had to keep my distance from a few though; I've heard that some of them have said they wouldn't be my friend If I wasn't gay. Stay away from these people... really, they're users.
BUT, even still... there will always be things that creep up on you. No matter how prepared you are for coming out you will never have it 100% right.
Lesson 4; Try not to doubt yourself for no reason. Here's why;
About a month ago I was having a conversation with a guy friend about my sexuality. He knew that I'd had sex with a girl before and didn't understand how everything worked out. He had a few intimate details he needed clearing up. I honestly had no idea how to answer his questions. He had some good points about my situation. How could I go from having sex to being disgusted by a vagina? Well, I was having doubts.
The girl I used to have sex with turned into a bit of a whore. Well, a mega whore. She's pretty easy, so I decided that I should try and figure it all out... with her. So, we got drunk around three weeks ago and whinded up having sex. Horrible, horrible, horrible 3 second sex until I definately changed my mind and knew for sure that it wasn't for me.
Moral of the story, I didn't do it right. Maybe you could all possibly learn from my mistakes? One huge regret is that everyone else knows about from some of my immediate family. My parents are divorced so, my dad wouldn't tell her If he knew for sure that I was indeed, gay. I think he'd like to get one up on her by knowing sooner . It's going to kill her to find out that she was the last to know. So, for everyone out there, considering the same transaction into the post-closet world. Tell your mothers first.
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