Confused About Women and Not Quite Ready to Come Out

[T.C.]

I'm in the closet. I want to come out to my friends, but I'm having trouble taking that step. I think the reason I can't come out is because I'm still very confused about women.

The thing is, I don't know if I'm attracted to women, or if I just lust for what they have. I obsess over their soft skin, their lips, their breasts, and their long silky hair. In my sexual fantasies, however, I'm the woman -- I'm the one with the skin, lips, breasts, and hair.

I feel completely torn. Half of me wants to dress like a woman and sleep with men who treat me like one (which I've done often). The other half of me wants to embrace women and drown in their femininity (which I've also done, but it's been a long time now...). If I come out as gay, I feel like I'll be committing to the former and forever closing the door on the latter. That is the crux of my problem.

I believe the solution is to experiment until I know what I really want from women. I've tried that, but it is frustratingly difficult. I actually went to a prostitute in Las Vegas (where prostitution is legal). I couldn't get an orgasm, but she let me run my fingers through her hair and I loved that. I've also tried online dating -- both the casual sex kind and the long-term relationship kind, but I haven't gone past first base with anyone. Those experiences all suggest that I'm not heterosexual at all. Nevertheless, I feel like they aren't proper tests.

I live in a Southern California beach community, and I'm surrounded by pretty, athletic, and tan women who flirt with me (because I'm handsome, athletic, and tan). It is one thing to give up on prostitutes and online dates, but its another thing to give up on these beautiful beach girls. I feel that I can't write the eulogy for my heterosexuality until I've pursued a relationship with one of these women, and that puts me at an impasse. Even though I'd be a good match for these women if I were straight, my doubtful sexuality puts them out of reach for me. They won't be interested in me if they know I sleep with men, and I can't hide that from someone I'm intimate with.

To sum up: I'm reluctant to adopt a public gay identity because of the way I feel about women, even though experience tells me I'm not sexually compatible with them. Making matters worse is that I'm tantalized by beautiful women who find me attractive; and even though I consider them out of reach, I find it difficult to completely shut the door on any possibility of a relationship with them.

I've presented my dilemma here as though I'm undecided about what to do. In truth, I've concluded that coming out is the right thing to do. Coming out is a big and scary step, however, and I need to talk it through. It is particularly scary because I did it once before, years ago, and it didn't go well. I fell into a spiral of depression which didn't end until I moved to a different city and started my life over again.

If I can muster the nerve, I'd like to take the first step tonight. I found out through the grapevine that I'm being set up with a woman (a college professor, no less!) by one of my friends. I'm going to a party tonight, and if I come out to the right person, I think the gossip will spread fairly quickly and put an end to the unfortunate matchmaking.


-TC

[eastofeden]

It sounds as though you are still exploring...before I say anything else I want to aswk you...have you ever dressed as a woman and been with a woman while dressing as one? If not...you may want to try it and check out how you feel and if you are able to have an orgasm...you might surprise yourself!

[T.C.]

have you ever dressed as a woman and been with a woman while dressing as one?

Sort of. I went to a dominatrix once when I was young. I didn't know what I wanted from her, but she figured it out and put me in a corset. I didn't even know what a corset was at the time, but I knew it was feminizing, and that was one of the most intense sexual experiences I've ever had. Suffice it to say that yes, I was able to have an orgasm with her.

I think your point is that I may be a submissive heterosexual, most satisfied in a relationship with a woman who will cater to my effeminate sexual needs. You may be right. I'd love to date a woman with a strap-on and a dominant streak, but such women don't exist. On the other hand, there are plenty of men who legitimately enjoy treating me like a sissy. I suppose I don't really care that they're men, so I'm not gay like that. I'm simply being realistic when I conclude that my only prospect for sexual fulfillment in the future lies with homosexual, not heterosexual, relationships.

Thinking of sexually compatible women reminds me of the great chasm between the world as it is and the world as I wish it to be. What a downer.


-TC

[Laiikos]

Ugh. I'm really not sure how to even really register this or process it in my head.

I've only ever had sex with a girl once, and with a guy once. So I'm not an expert at anything but I can say this. My attraction is to males only. The sexual aspect really isn't THAT important for me. Maybe this is nature's way of telling you that your life fulfillment will not be found in sexual encounters, but something much deeper than that. I'm not a "stallion" in bed nor will I ever be - because my most intimate pleasures aren't found in sex - maybe yours aren't either?

[T.C.]

my most intimate pleasures aren't found in sex - maybe yours aren't either?

Laiikos,

There are things better than sex, but sex is pretty good. I'm willing to work through a great deal of confusion and frustration for a satisfying sexual relationship.

-TC

[Laiikos]

Yes - and you may spend your whole life trying to work through a great deal of confusion and frustration for a satisfying sexual relationship - and still never find it.

[T.C.]

you may spend your whole life trying to work through a great deal of confusion and frustration for a satisfying sexual relationship - and still never find it.

Laiikos,

I started this thread because I wanted a little sympathy for my situation. After reading your replies, however, I think you may be the one who needs some friendly attention. Are you okay, man? At 25, you're way too young to think you may never find a satisfying sexual relationship. I expect to have a lot of good sex in my future, and I know I'm going to enjoy the journey that gets me there, even if it is full of confusion and frustration. If you're too jaded to feel the same way, I suggest you buy a plane ticket to California and sit in the sun for a while until the future looks brighter.

Good luck, brother.
-TC

[eastofeden]

Sort of. I went to a dominatrix once when I was young. I didn't know what I wanted from her, but she figured it out and put me in a corset. I didn't even know what a corset was at the time, but I knew it was feminizing, and that was one of the most intense sexual experiences I've ever had. Suffice it to say that yes, I was able to have an orgasm with her.

I think your point is that I may be a submissive heterosexual, most satisfied in a relationship with a woman who will cater to my effeminate sexual needs. You may be right. I'd love to date a woman with a strap-on and a dominant streak, but such women don't exist. On the other hand, there are plenty of men who legitimately enjoy treating me like a sissy. I suppose I don't really care that they're men, so I'm not gay like that. I'm simply being realistic when I conclude that my only prospect for sexual fulfillment in the future lies with homosexual, not heterosexual, relationships.

Thinking of sexually compatible women reminds me of the great chasm between the world as it is and the world as I wish it to be. What a downer.


-TC

Hmmm...your intense orgasm with the dominatrix suggests that you may not be completely gay...I subscribe to the Kinsey Scale myself and I know of alot of mostly straight submissive men who love dominant woman and love dressing up. ect...but do enjoy the attention in a female role from another male as well.

Have you seen the websites that have submissive men with dominant women? They use strap ons, ect...you may want to explore that a bit more if your past experience was one of the most intense you have ever had...it is important to be true to yourself...figuring out who you are is the real journey...I wish you much success on your path in life!

[Laiikos]

Laiikos,

I started this thread because I wanted a little sympathy for my situation. After reading your replies, however, I think you may be the one who needs some friendly attention. Are you okay, man? At 25, you're way too young to think you may never find a satisfying sexual relationship. I expect to have a lot of good sex in my future, and I know I'm going to enjoy the journey that gets me there, even if it is full of confusion and frustration. If you're too jaded to feel the same way, I suggest you buy a plane ticket to California and sit in the sun for a while until the future looks brighter.

Good luck, brother.
-TC

T.C., I'm sorry I'm not much of a sympathizer. I'm offered plenty of friendly attention. If sex was that gratifying to me I'm sure I would do it more often. However sex just isn't that "ultimate" to me. Not because I've been jaded or anything, but maybe because my body wiring is different than others. It was merely a suggestion to think about because it seems you hadn't considered it. If it's not something you don't want to consider, then don't lol.

And also, T.C., the sun shines just as brightly in Alabama as it does California

[T.C.]

you may not be completely gay

No, I'm not completely gay on the Kinsey scale. But that isn't the question. The question is what kind of public identity fits me best. If I stay in the closet, I'm portraying myself as a heterosexual man, and that's a lie I can't sustain in a close relationship. If I reveal that I have sex with men, no one is going to understand the distinction between a gay man vs. a straight man having sex with men to satisfy his effeminate sexual needs -- to my friends, I'll simply be gay. Even if that isn't fully accurate, it is more honest than the lie I'm presenting now.

Have you seen the websites that have submissive men with dominant women? They use strap ons, ect...you may want to explore that a bit more if your past experience was one of the most intense you have ever had.

I've seen pictures of submissive men with dominant women, but they don't resonate with me. When I see porn, I identify with women, not men. I like to see women in bondage or in other submissive situations, and I imagine I'm in their place. It doesn't matter whether they're being dominated by a man or a woman. Most often, they are in the photo alone.

I appreciate that you are encouraging me to think about whether I'm really attracted to men or women, but it just isn't that simple. Women are far more pleasing to look at and touch, but men are far more likely to deliver sexual fulfillment. To me, the question is moot. I want whomever, man or woman, can make me feel most effeminate in bed. Since that's usually a man, and is likely to be a man always in the future, I think it's probably best if I portray myself as gay and leave the finer details to intimate conversations with my closest friends when the topic comes up.

-TC