Where am I going?

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I know this probably isn't the proper place for writing what I am about to write. However, I see no place else where I can share my thoughts since Bulgarian teen forums are all about sex, STDs and one and the same love stories. I apologize.

All my life I have had more masculine behavior than I probably should. And it like developed throughout the years because there actually was time when I was sort of OK with wearing pink or tight-fit T-shirts. But now I wear only dark colors or white and only trousers. That is just how I feel comfortable - I am not doing anything against my own likes. Oh, and I love shirts. I love being formally dressed. I love my dark shirts and my black shoes.

I started by liking lesbian porn. Then I switched to straight porn. Then I discovered that gay porn is the most exciting of all. Then I decided that porn was stupid because it doesn't show any of the emotions the partners are supposed to experience. So I started reading stories in a Bulgarian website for straight stories. They were great. About that time I had my first boyfriend. He was like two years older than me and was all about sex. However, as it was an internet relationship, we were only talking and sending pictures. I forgot about gays for a while. I even wrote one or two short stories about straight people and published them in that website I mentioned above.
Then, when we broke up, I once again returned my attention to gays. Now it was more about the feelings though. I even created an account at a Bulgarian gay site. I read short stories. Then I wrote my first gay short story. I didn't finish it, but I remember publishing the first two parts in the same website for short stories.

AT the beginning of the last school year, I came across a website - xnxx.com. Of course, I didn't like the videos there, but I found that they actually had a few nice gay stories published by good writers. That is how I discovered Nifty.org - I saw that an author of a couple of fantastic stories about gay teens is also an author at Nifty. I started reading his stories there, and...yeah...The first longer story I read was called The Least of These. Reading it was an unforgettable experience.

I feel like starting to read The Least of These (TLOT) introduced me to the amazing world of the feelings between men. I know that in real life it is barely as perfect and awesome as in most short stories. But I have the feeling that most of the emotions described by Josh Maxwell, the author of TLOT and many other magnificent stories, are real and are present in many gay relationships.

ON Tuesday I read the final, 55th part of another story by Josh Maxwell - Sea Change. I was SO happy for the guys when I finished it and I tried not to think about how much I'll miss them now that the story is over.

The thing is that I don't see myself in a boy's arms anymore. I just can't picture myself that way. Everything more feminine about me seems so silly and not appropriate. When I eh...picture myself masturbating, it is not like how I'd do it for real. I see myself as a male. I want to be with a boy/man, sure, I am definitely not lesbian, but not as a woman. I mean... ... ...
Actually, about a week ago I met a very nice German boy and with him I felt more like a girl. And I could, for a short moment, see myself with him, but when he disappeared from my life, that image vanished as well.

And physical strength has grown to be extremely important as well. I watch young men and their graceful but strong bodies and there's this urge in me to...do something, to be like them. I watch Dave Wavey's fitness channel, but I know I can't be like that. And I want to so bad..

I want to be a gay man. I don't see myself as a teen girl now and as a woman in future. Even the word sounds weird.

I know that is all talk for nothing. I just wanted to share all I feel now. I couldn't really write everything, some things eluded my thought. I hope I get some advice and support.

[DtotheJtotheM]

Something that I realized myself was that, really, I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl. I am a swarm of energy merely crouched inside a male exoskeleton. The self is genderless, although it can be affected somewhat by the chemistry of the different outward and physical genders. Once I got to this stage, I realized that the same held true for others, and everything else is based on social chance.

The last thing I would want to be is preachy, especially seeing as I am still young in this Universe. But I think that perhaps you should try to first of all, sever yourself from your preconceptions of gender, and then once renewed, combine both the masculine and feminine within yourself. We're like flowers when it comes to becoming our true selves. We are intersexual and retain both genders in the way we work within ourselves, it's just varied in proportion. Balance is the key.

Thinking of everyone else being neither man nor woman has really helped me to realize that almost every person is a gender unto themselves.

-Shrugs- That's all I can say really. I pray that you find your Self regarding your sexuality.

[Genersis]

Wow SlipknotRIZZ, Is this making you feel uncomfortable about yourself? Or only how you'd be veiwed by others?

Again again, i must always state that when it comes to human mentality, there is NO such thing as normal. To apply such a word to anyones mentality would be incorect, there are only "common veiws/orientations" on such matters, but even then, people differ on the details.

Whatever feels right for you, IS right for you.
So you see yourself as a male, which isn't exactly problematic, nor is it "wrong".

But i have a question: Do you just "see" yourself as a male, or do you feel you may "want" to be a male?(Sorry if the questions a little sensetive, feel free to not answer if you don't want to.)

Hope this whole thing isn't bugging you too much!

[SlipknotRlZZ]

DtotheJtotheM, your words comforted me. I now have hope that I will be able to find the way to make myself what I'd consider to be everything I want to be. Thank you very, very much.
However, I still feel troubled because [and here goes the answer to Genersis], yes, I am worried about how I'd be viewed by others. Not everybody because I usually don't care what other people think of me, but my friends. I know that true friends would be the ones who accept me and this does not bother me.
But how would I be treated in views of..well, I want to have love in my life. And I worry that if I am what I want to be I will not receive that.
Yes, I want to be a male. And it's freaking me out recently because I worry too much about the future, about what is going to happen with me, about whether I am going to have a family and kids (I don't see my female self having sex..)..

[marshlander]

This will sound patronising, but fourteen is still very young to be so weighed down by such questions. Life will play out and you will make your own way. For some people that journey just seems to take more time. It may be that there are options that are not yet in your imagination. I used to exchange e-mails with a German woman who was born male, married, became a father, but realised he really identified as a woman. Now she lives as one and is in a lesbian relationship.

Life is so interesting and so are people.

Best wishes to you, SlipknotRlZZ.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Today I had my first talk with the psychologist I visit in two months. I told him about how I feel and stuff and he gets it. He is gay, by the way. And I mean..everything got like clear in my mind. I know it is going to be hard to find a partner, although I do feel a little more feminine around someone I like. I mean, no, not feminine. I feel me, which is somewhere in between. It's still going to be very hard though. To find someone who can accept me. I do not want to let go of the homosexual boy in me, as the psychologist referred to him, because I do not by any means want to be a woman. I do not want to have kids or whatever. I am somewhere in the middle. But it's going to be SO hard. Ugh..I am kinda optimistic though, which is not typical for me.

But I have a new problem, related to the fact that I have become more unsociable over the last year. Now I am invited to a b-day party of a girl, a friend of mine, who is like five or six years younger. And I feel awfully troubled. I can't not go. My parents want me to and it'd be rude not to go. But I am like cared. I just...how do I explain this..I know I will feel awkward there cuz I won't know anybody and even if I did - that'd be even worse. I can't..I... :frown: I can't go. I can't go to any party. Now I'm so frikkin worried..I can't stop thinking about how I'll have to go and stuff ;[ OH MANNNNNNN

[Genersis]

Today I had my first talk with the psychologist I visit in two months. I told him about how I feel and stuff and he gets it. He is gay, by the way. And I mean..everything got like clear in my mind. I know it is going to be hard to find a partner, although I do feel a little more feminine around someone I like. I mean, no, not feminine. I feel me, which is somewhere in between. It's still going to be very hard though. To find someone who can accept me. I do not want to let go of the homosexual boy in me, as the psychologist referred to him, because I do not by any means want to be a woman. I do not want to have kids or whatever. I am somewhere in the middle. But it's going to be SO hard. Ugh..I am kinda optimistic though, which is not typical for me.

But I have a new problem, related to the fact that I have become more unsociable over the last year. Now I am invited to a b-day party of a girl, a friend of mine, who is like five or six years younger. And I feel awfully troubled. I can't not go. My parents want me to and it'd be rude not to go. But I am like cared. I just...how do I explain this..I know I will feel awkward there cuz I won't know anybody and even if I did - that'd be even worse. I can't..I... :frown: I can't go. I can't go to any party. Now I'm so frikkin worried..I can't stop thinking about how I'll have to go and stuff ;[ OH MANNNNNNN

*Hugs*
It ok Irina, sure it can be considered rude.
But if your not feeling up to it, your not feeling up to it. Its better than being at the party and feeling missrable and scared. And i'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel like that either!

If your friends with her, perhaps you could do something together another day, just the two of you, to make up for it?

Hope this helps you feel better!

[Aaycle]

Why do you call it, "all talk for nothing"? Do you think your desires to be a man are frivolous, and irrelevant? I say go for it! With the Industrial, Surgical, and Cosmetic advances we've made as-of-date, Men have already made female models of once little boys; and vice-versa. Ever heard of "The Pregnant Man". He was once a female model! No kidding.

I do not purport to understand the sexual or psychological dynamics of becoming transgendered. But, I so do understand the need for happiness; and my desire to be so is so strong, I have went against the wishes of Parents, I have rebelled against Christian, or any religious indoctrination, I say a mental fuck you to society every time I leave my house to go out, and I do not conform to anyone's desire so that they may rid themselves of embarrassment because of me. I am trying to say, go for it, despite anyone's opinion, if you truly want this, go for a sex change. Teach yourself that you should be happy, don't second guess yourself.

My only thing is your age!!! Do you think your Mom and Dad would consent to such a monumentally life changing journey. Some parents go beserk when you tell them you are gay, I can only imagine that telling them you want to be a transgendered teen, would be cause for beating you (according to them) to your senses.

I know where you are going--towards happiness, but approach with caution, speak it over with a mental care provider, see what happens and GOOD LUCK!! ;-)

[fenris]

this aaycle-guy picks threads up... and I found out, I have a own opinion and must answer :-)

But my answer will be very short:

The one and only thing you can do in time is ... Living and Learning ... about you, your feelings, how you want to live, what you are, who you are, what you want to be... and If you old enough to decide for yourself... you can do.
Or as called in the Movie "Avatar" : Learn Good, Jake Sully

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I don't think I really want to go for a sex change. I mean...how do I explain this, this would be way too much for me. I'm not this kind of a person. I couldn't change my life that much. it's true, though, I do hate my private parts. I want to be able to have a body like Davey Wavey's, for example, to be able to work out and see the rsults on my muscles...

I am going to pursue happiness. I am going to Rebel against everything. See where that would take me...

Thanks for the responses, guys, I really appreciate them. :]