Possible advice for someone who's in the closet to pretty much everyone?

[Anonymous]

I discovered that I have intense sexual and romantic feelings for men about a year ago (I’m currently in my early twenties), and I now know that my sexual and romantic feelings are almost exclusively for men. Thus, I now realize that I am in fact gay. There was never a time in my life when I had a passionate (or any kind of) interest in the opposite sex, although I never asked the question, “perhaps my sexual and romantic interests might lie with men” until now, as for a long time the question seemed too horrible to even humor. I knew that my parents aren’t the kind of people who would approve of a gay son, what with them being extremely mainline Christians, and I knew that the students at the largely conservative Christian high school I went to wouldn’t be terribly benevolent either, so I just pushed the question out of my mind and tried to convince myself that I was straight. I tried to convince myself that a passionate interest in women would emerge eventually. Of course, such a thing never happened and I eventually made the discovery mentioned above.

Since I am currently a graduate student living by himself in a town away from the town where my parents live, the possible threats described above have largely disappeared. Those high school students I used to know are long gone, most of the people I knew during my undergraduate career are long gone, and I hardly ever see my parents anymore, although I do talk with on the phone sometimes. Most of my socialization is done with other grad students. I haven’t come out to anyone I know, though. Well, I do occasionally attend a group for gay young adults, and they know that I’m gay, but I haven’t told anyone in the department where I work about this and I certainly haven’t told my parents. Grad school is difficult and it certainly isn’t a stable job. Although it might seem rather odd to some, I still need my parents in case I find myself unemployed and in need of a place to stay after grad school. I also turn to them for emotional support.

I’m almost positive that my parents would disown me if they found out that I’m gay. Although I usually lean towards the secular side, they’re still extremely devote mainline Christians and most certainly anti-gay. My father once got mad about the fact that a mayor patronized a gay bar and once made the comment, “Why are so many people open about being gay these days? It used to be the case that no one would ever admit to being gay!” In their minds, gay is something perverted and disordered. If I told them I was gay they would probably get furious and convince me to “change” or “repent of my wicked ways.” It would also be an extremely tragic situation, as it would ruin the good relationship that I have with them. As for the graduate department I work at, I haven’t told any of them either. I’m not sure what they would think, and I’m not sure if being openly gay would negatively affect my career or not. It feels so lonely relating to people in a world where no one knows you’re gay. I just feel like telling everyone, but I know that such a thing wouldn’t be a wise thing to do. Do any of you have any advice for what a person should do in such a situation?

[Amigo]

I discovered that I have intense sexual and romantic feelings for men about a year ago (I’m currently in my early twenties), and I now know that my sexual and romantic feelings are almost exclusively for men. Thus, I now realize that I am in fact gay. There was never a time in my life when I had a passionate (or any kind of) interest in the opposite sex, although I never asked the question, “perhaps my sexual and romantic interests might lie with men” until now, as for a long time the question seemed too horrible to even humor. I knew that my parents aren’t the kind of people who would approve of a gay son, what with them being extremely mainline Christians, and I knew that the students at the largely conservative Christian high school I went to wouldn’t be terribly benevolent either, so I just pushed the question out of my mind and tried to convince myself that I was straight. I tried to convince myself that a passionate interest in women would emerge eventually. Of course, such a thing never happened and I eventually made the discovery mentioned above.

Since I am currently a graduate student living by himself in a town away from the town where my parents live, the possible threats described above have largely disappeared. Those high school students I used to know are long gone, most of the people I knew during my undergraduate career are long gone, and I hardly ever see my parents anymore, although I do talk with on the phone sometimes. Most of my socialization is done with other grad students. I haven’t come out to anyone I know, though. Well, I do occasionally attend a group for gay young adults, and they know that I’m gay, but I haven’t told anyone in the department where I work about this and I certainly haven’t told my parents. Grad school is difficult and it certainly isn’t a stable job. Although it might seem rather odd to some, I still need my parents in case I find myself unemployed and in need of a place to stay after grad school. I also turn to them for emotional support.

I’m almost positive that my parents would disown me if they found out that I’m gay. Although I usually lean towards the secular side, they’re still extremely devote mainline Christians and most certainly anti-gay. My father once got mad about the fact that a mayor patronized a gay bar and once made the comment, “Why are so many people open about being gay these days? It used to be the case that no one would ever admit to being gay!” In their minds, gay is something perverted and disordered. If I told them I was gay they would probably get furious and convince me to “change” or “repent of my wicked ways.” It would also be an extremely tragic situation, as it would ruin the good relationship that I have with them. As for the graduate department I work at, I haven’t told any of them either. I’m not sure what they would think, and I’m not sure if being openly gay would negatively affect my career or not. It feels so lonely relating to people in a world where no one knows you’re gay. I just feel like telling everyone, but I know that such a thing wouldn’t be a wise thing to do. Do any of you have any advice for what a person should do in such a situation?

There's nothing to fear, but the fear itself.

Sounds like it is the FEAR that you're afraid of, not your parents.

[72jay]

Can't give any advice but..

Sometime in my 20's i figured out i was bi (now i'm late 30's and have a stronger attraction
towards guys, but still an attraction towards women as well). I've never acted on my feelings
(either way ) or dated or tried anything.

My parrents/other family members would never approve of 'bi' or 'gay' ... also the place where
i live is not somewhere where you'd want to let it be known.

----------
In your case i'd say finish Grad School first

[juk]

Hi anonymous,

Religion does frustrate me, but I wont start on that subject!

Well you are the person best placed to anticipate your parents reactions, and I think given the circumstances its a wise move not telling your parents (in case you need a place to stay etc).

My advice, for what its worth, is to maybe look toward building some strong gay friendships so you have got a good network of people around you who understand your difficulties, but more importantly you can relax and be yourself around. What happens from there regarding your parents and being 'out' in any sense will be easier to handle with support.

[fredv3b]

My advice for what it's worth ....

Your parents are a long way away, you can easily continue to keep them in the dark for now. In my experience academics are usually pretty tolerant of anything not related to publication, so I wouldn't worry too much about your grad school finding out. I completely agree with the suggestion above, you should try to widen and deepen your gay friendship network, who knows you might even meet someone through it.

[fenris]

I think the first thing you urgent need are friends, confidants, to exchange thoughts to recognize at all what you want, what you need and what is possible and important and what is required at all.

Fast, ill-considered decisions would be completely wrong.

I´m not a friend of staying in the closet but sometimes it needs to be prepared for coming out and you should have reasonably reliable friends at your side

[peterinmalaga]

1. Although it might seem rather odd to some, I still need my parents in case I find myself unemployed and in need of a place to stay after grad school. I also turn to them for emotional support.

2. In their minds, gay is something perverted and disordered.

3. It feels so lonely relating to people in a world where no one knows you’re gay. I just feel like telling everyone, but I know that such a thing wouldn’t be a wise thing to do. Do any of you have any advice for what a person should do in such a situation?

1. That's not odd, it's perfectly logical. It's the logic of lunacy but you did not build the lunatic asylum!
2. Welcome to the land of the perverts! You are bound to enjoy it here more than anywhere else on the planet. You fit in here due to an accident of birth which, oddly enough, your parents were responsible for, not you!
3. If the place you are in does not feel right, change it. Move or get involved in gay politics or both.
Your parents should be forced to see the movie Prayers for Bobby all day every day till they become normal human beings.
Again it's not your fault that you were born in the USA and nor is it your fault that religion still rules on your side of the pond. (I just feel intuitively that you are in the USA. Of course I could be wrong but religion is weaker and less oppressive in Europe).
You've made a big step forward in your life. Now you have the opportunity to really live.

[Jay]

If I may add my two cents, your story is pretty similar to mine. I come from a religious family and I squeezed and still squeezing my brain out for ideas on how to 'escape' my sexuality from being tied up to religion, culture and community. I'm partially out now.

I think first of all, we need to be patient. We want to be out and to be free but we have to be careful not to rush it down due to our background. In my case, I stayed completely closet until 27. Whilst waiting, I jotted down my 'escape' plan as detail as possible.

I once told myself that I should only be out when I am fully independent - financially and emotionally. I kept my words. I got myself a stable full time job (and freelance job), managed my money well and moved out from my parents' house afterward. Then I slowly embraced my true sexuality to my circle of trusted friends.

But my plan goes five steps further.

In order to be completely out, I have to move out from my country. As a preparation, I continue to save and manage my money, build a solid and strong career (and also portfolio) and few others. I continue to enjoy my life right now whilst waiting and planning,.

Few of my friends particularly my foreign friends think that I am being too brave to come out in a country where Islam is its main religion. I do too actually. I fear the risk of my parents and their surrounding neighbors of finding out that I am gay. I fear for my safety, theirs and their reputations in Islam community.

But I have to do what I have to do. I don't want to end up like majority of local gay guys (whether Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Christian etc) in here. Have a gay life until certain age and then get married to a woman when the time comes as there's no way out from religion and culture. I would like to have a monogamous relationship with a man until the day I die.

So don't put too much pressure on yourself right now. Try not to worry too much. Take your time to prepare yourself before coming out. Patience is virtue.

[marshlander]

I understand the logic behind all the above points, but who's going to change anything if not us?

Any "Christian" parents who would disown a child on the basis of sexual orientation do not have much of an understanding of the message of the person they claim to worship :frown: I can't speak from experience about Islam. All I know about that is that it just sounds vicious.

[Vikta]

not a whole lot of personal advice to give, but if you're interested in reading a story that might resonate...

Second Shot by Quonus10

good luck