Crawling Out of the Closet

[misusmerry]

The first person I admitted I was gay to was my cousin. I was over at her house, we were just talking about nothing when she asked me flat out, "Are you gay?" I knew I was. I'd known since I saw this video of two guys wrestling in an open field (it was probably soft-core porn). Sure, I'd fantasize about telling people before, but I knew I was too scared. So when I was confronted with this question I could only freeze. I tried to say something but I couldn't even speak. All I could do was nod and look down. *cue waterworks*

Needless to say it didn't get any easier after that. Fast-forward eight years, my cousin was okay with it, but I knew from the depths of my soul that the rest of my family would have none of it. I vowed to live my own life away from them, to slowly drift away and grow apart. I could come out to my friends. I can keep my family life separate from everything else. I thought it would be easy. Turns out that's not who I am.

First I thought I could care less about what my family thought. Turns out I care a lot about what my family thinks. I can't help but want to make them happy, to want what's best for them. Then I thought I could love my family without them loving me back. Turns out I really want their love and acceptance, that I'd do a lot to keep the little that I have. I thought I could box up this part of me and be okay keeping it from my family. Turns out it's eating away my heart.

What this has created a very large rock and a rock hard place for me to squeeze snugly in. I'm in perpetual limbo with my family. I keep on cycling through loving my family, wanting to connect and be a part of, to hating myself, hating life, my family, having to distance myself to prepare for the impending disaster of my coming out.

Help?

Can anyone relate?

[Rareboy]

Why not bring some boyfriends with you to visit your family? Let them see you happy and in the company of friends.

At the moment you don't have your family's love and acceptance. The actor in the role you're playing may have, but you don't. Are you perhaps imposing your own failure to completely accept yourself as a homo onto your family by any chance? Can you say with absolute certainty that your family will not accept you and will withhold their love?

And why do you want to do what is best for them? And not do what is best for you? This is a designed-to-fail proposition.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why you feel a desperate need to have the approval of your family members more than you need to be happy and living life as you'd like to.

[xfrostx]

I can relate to your story. I knew my family won't be in any way accepting of me being gay and this drifted us apart even more than we were before. We were never close (even if I hope it's like this with you) but since they knew about me, they rejected me. Some of them not directly like my parents did, but I'm not stupid, I know they don't accept me and feel comfortable with me. Then my mother started acting like nothing happened, she lived abroad and when she'd call, my homosexuality would never be mentioned and she'd even ask me if I found a girlfriend even if she knew I had a boyfriend when I outed myself to her. And I decided to play along. It was very painful for me because I felt like I should change who I am to make her happy, the rest of my family happy. But you know, it's who you are and they should accept you and love you. Yes, in some cases it doesn't happen and it sucks, trust me, I know this pain all too well, but living with the thought of fulfilling someone else's dreams of who you should be would only make you miserable and you have just one life to live.

[Cuddly]

You're making some pretty nasty assumptions about your family. It sounds as if you've already come out and they've already shunned you, but you haven't even told them yet, so how can you be so sure?

If you're financially independant, then just come out. You're hurting yourself with all these fears and there's a good chance that they're pure imagination. Your family will probably love you, no matter what.

[princealbertofb]

Misusmerry, to GaySpeak. Your story sounds a bit like mine except that I didn't wish to be apart from my family to live my life. I knew they were important.
May I just make a point about this expression : I could care less actually means I care, and what is optional would be for me to care less than I actually do.
The proper expression for what you mean is : I couldn't care less, meaning, I don't care at all, and caring about it less would be impossible, it's the lowest of my priorities.
Since you are talking about how difficult it is to be detached of one's family, it is obvious that your family is more important than you originally thought.
In truth, it is difficult to detach ourselves from our families, especially brothers and sisters if we got on well. As for parental support, it really is most important.
So please, Misusmerry, why oh why can you not tell your family who you really are? Don't they deserve the truth as much as your respect and filial devotion? Please enlighten us.

When I wrote my letter to my mum explaining, at long last, that yes I was gay and I had a partner, I cried my heart and eyes out as I realised how much she loved me, no matter what my sexual orientation was. Note that I am 55 and my mother had come a long way to accepting her two gay sons.

[Rareboy]

I can relate to your story. I knew my family won't be in any way accepting of me being gay and this drifted us apart even more than we were before. We were never close (even if I hope it's like this with you) but since they knew about me, they rejected me. Some of them not directly like my parents did, but I'm not stupid, I know they don't accept me and feel comfortable with me. Then my mother started acting like nothing happened, she lived abroad and when she'd call, my homosexuality would never be mentioned and she'd even ask me if I found a girlfriend even if she knew I had a boyfriend when I outed myself to her. And I decided to play along. It was very painful for me because I felt like I should change who I am to make her happy, the rest of my family happy. But you know, it's who you are and they should accept you and love you. Yes, in some cases it doesn't happen and it sucks, trust me, I know this pain all too well, but living with the thought of fulfilling someone else's dreams of who you should be would only make you miserable and you have just one life to live.

Why enable your parents or any family members to bully you? Why? What is it that you think you them that they are allowed to strip away your self-respect and self-esteem?

YOU do only have one life to live and why would anyone waste a moment of it trying to satisfy ungrateful and unloving people? Why? Why do their dreams deserve to be fulfilled but yours don't? What unhealthy emotional hold do they have over you?

I hope that in 2015, you come to the realization that you don't need the approval of people who don't really love you for all that you are. If they want unquestioning affection and devotion, tell them to get a fucking dog.

[MikeW]

The first person I admitted I was gay to was my cousin. I was over at her house, we were just talking about nothing when she asked me flat out, "Are you gay?" I knew I was. I'd known since I saw this video of two guys wrestling in an open field (it was probably soft-core porn). Sure, I'd fantasize about telling people before, but I knew I was too scared. So when I was confronted with this question I could only freeze. I tried to say something but I couldn't even speak. All I could do was nod and look down. *cue waterworks*

Ok, so at age 17 you came out to your cousin because she asked.

Needless to say it didn't get any easier after that. Fast-forward eight years, my cousin was okay with it, but I knew from the depths of my soul that the rest of my family would have none of it.

Why, is this because of religion? Religion is typically why but you don't say, so I'm curious.

I vowed to live my own life away from them, to slowly drift away and grow apart. I could come out to my friends. I can keep my family life separate from everything else. I thought it would be easy. Turns out that's not who I am.

So, are you saying you've tried living apart from your family and leading a double life but that hasn't worked? I understand you want to be brief but when you speak in generalities and don't give us specifics, it is very difficult to give you feedback or advice that is tailor made to your situation.

First I thought I could care less about what my family thought. Turns out I care a lot about what my family thinks.

Do you agree with everything they think? Do they all think alike and agree on everything?

I can't help but want to make them happy, to want what's best for them.

Can you make them happy if you, yourself are miserable? How do you know what is "best" for them, especially since they seem to be clueless about what is best for you?

Then I thought I could love my family without them loving me back. Turns out I really want their love and acceptance, that I'd do a lot to keep the little that I have.

So, the way you said that, sounds like you don't get as much love and acceptance as it is, even without them knowing anything about your sexuality. Of course we all want, even *need* on some level, to be loved and accepted by our families. But that is sort of the point, what does it say about the TRUTH of a family if that love and acceptance isn't really there, is a lie, is based on lies, and is conditional upon everyone keeping them? That doesn't describe a functional family but a dysfunctional one.

I thought I could box up this part of me and be okay keeping it from my family. Turns out it's eating away my heart.

Of course it is. You haven't fully accepted yourself (have you? be honest...) and, like a square peg trying to fit a round hole, you're making yourself a bit crazy. You're creating a crisis inside yourself, a painful one because it is as if you *have* to choose between yourself and your family. This is *always* and impossible choice if you care for them at all.

What this has created a very large rock and a rock hard place for me to squeeze snugly in.

That's right.

I'm in perpetual limbo with my family. I keep on cycling through loving my family, wanting to connect and be a part of, to hating myself, hating life, my family, having to distance myself to prepare for the impending disaster of my coming out.

That's right -- it is eating you up, tearing you apart, making you feel crazy, not sure whether to love them and hate yourself or love yourself and hate them or whether you should just kill yourself and end your miserable existence, right?

Help? Can anyone relate?

Well, of course, a lot of us can relate -- especially those of us who are *ancient* like myself. (You can get a glimpse of what I went through if you copy and paste the link at the bottom of my signature.)

But, can we help… truly help?

This is a HUGE and important question. Can words help? Words written by a total stranger who you'll probably never meet living hundreds if not thousands of miles away? Can they really help and make a difference when you feel like you, your life, your very heart and soul is being eaten alive?

The answer is, it depends on you. Unfortunately none of us have magic wands that can make this go away.

HOWEVER… If you're willing to stick around here, talk with us, work with us, learn from and with us, … IF you're willing to explore these deep, desperate feelings, feel them without falling utterly into despair, try and look at them a bit more objectively, think about them a bit more clearly… IF you're willing to seek help and guidance *especially in your real life with real professional guidance councilors and therapists* … The answer is, YES, we *can* help.

The rest of your life will be determined by the decisions you make in the coming weeks and months -- and will be strongly influenced by the clarity with which you make them.

You're like ANY being who has been in a "gestation"phase (a fetus in a womb, a chick in an egg, a moth in a cocoon, etc.) -- you're up against the LIMITS of your world as you've known it -- and you are facing the shocking realization that it isn't going to let you grow any further! For that, something has to shift, to change…

So… the question is, do you WANT help? Will you take it when it is offered? Will you begin to look for support in your real life? Will you keep talking with us, rather than disappearing again into your own confusion, anxiety, fear and pain?

[SHOman93]

Misus,

when I read your post I felt like I was reading something I had written for a split second. Before I had come to my parents, I had come out to my best friends on my 18th birthday. I decided to let that rush die down a little bit before I had to gather up the courage to tell my mom and stepdad. And guess what? they already knew for a long time and didn't care.

This is just how I would feel, but I would rather tell my parents and take the chance of them not approving. It's just like if you just met a new guy, and you don't know if he wants to take it rafter into something like a relationship. If you ask him and he says no, at least you can starting making your way down the road of getting over him. Just in your case, you would start down the road of living like you really are.

Good luck man, if you ever need someone to talk to, just shoot me a message <3

P.S., I use to do the same thing with the "cycling" of your decision. One day I was finally like, why the hell can't I just make up my mind. I just really thought out the problem and considered the pro and cons. I've never really had that problems like that again (just don't ask me that when it comes to relationships, lol)

[TwisttheLeaf]

I would venture a bet that your family already knows and you're tying yourself up in knots over something that's already out there.

Your cousin noticed years ago, and confronted you about it. If she noticed, I'd say others noticed as well. Or, she may have shared. Either way? I doubt they're as in the dark as you think they are.

[estudantet]

Hey. First of all I think some people are being too harsh saying things like "why would you let your family do that to you" and such. We spend a lifetime with family, it's hard to cope with all those problems at the same time, and simply not care for what your family thinks That's oversimplifying the matter.

I'm not out myself, for similar fears.

Im not out, but I learned that there's no running away from it. As Oprah would say, you are just as liberated as your secrets. So I think to feel better you will eventually tell them, cause what is so overwhelming is all the different paths that your life might take after you do . That works with anything in life, not only coming out. So you should feel much better once you're working with facts and not possibilities, cause not all things you antecipate that can go wrong, can possibly go wrong together, cause they are all different paths (I hope I'm making sense here). And then you can work on those little things that might go wrong. And also... everything might be okay You're ruling out that possibility and you shouldnt.

I do think, as we all tend to do, that you're overthinking it. Maybe your family would be ok with it, or even if they are not ok, since you say they would not be, and you know your family, they will cope with it and learn to be okay with it, because they love you. I do think you have to do what's best for you. That doesn't mean you don't care for your family, in fact, you care so much that you feel the need to tell them in order to be truthful to yourself and to them. And you all can make it work.

You doesn't have to do it right away either, you have to be ready. For me, for example, I have made the decision of telling my family and friends. I don't know when.... but that's my decision, I will worry about when later, or just do it when the time feels right. Make your decision and stick to it

I hope I was able to help a little bit, at least. All the best.