Practically Scared to go Outside
08-20-2010, 02:52 AM
It's been several months since my friendship with eight people was brought to a sudden and traumatic close. It was... I guess I'll just tell the whole story. Keep in mind that during the whole story, even when I say things were going well, I still felt uncomfortable and tense. The story is rather long, so I recommend reading it in pieces.
There was this guy. (That's how it always starts, right?) I guess I'll call him "M." He was a part of a group of friends that has about 8 core members, of which I was one. I really liked him, but of course, he was straight. The other day, I told him that I had feelings for him and that I didn't want it to get between us. I was up late studying for my English final, going over old tests and essays and whatnot, when I heard the ping of my instant messenger. I went over to check it and it was from M. I found the transcript somewhere in the depths of my chat log and I'll post it here.
Not only was M the first person I came out to as being gay, but the first person to reject me (certainly not the last), and the harshest. I just lay in my bed, more shocked than anything until I had to leave for my final at 9:30 in the morning. Of course, as luck would have it, M was in my English class. I walked into the classroom and he was sitting in his usual spot. I still felt raw and bruised, so I sat on the other side of the room. Al, a friend who was also in the group, came up to me and said "Eric, why aren't you sitting by M?" I couldn't even speak, I just shook my head. "Eric, what's wrong? Why aren't you sitting by M?" I swallowed the lump in my throat and managed to croak out, "Because he's a bastard." even that was too much for me, because I had to leave the room before I made a scene. I cried a little in the bathroom. Ten minutes later, I was able to compose myself enough to take the final, but headed immediately home. It took a few months, but we gradually smoothed things over, but I never had time to get over him on my own terms.
Fast forward to January. M was home from college on winter break, and we were hanging out with everybody else. Anne, much took charge of the group, she was a great friend and I trusted her with pretty much everything, in fact, she helped smooth things over with M, and knew that I still had strong feelings for him, but that I couldn't show them. We had a great time that night, and M was taking me home in his car. We arrived at my house without incident, but just before I got out of the car I remarked that he was unusually close to Anne that night. He kind of smiled and said, "Wait, you don't know about us?" I was inordinately dense that night so I didn't realize what he was saying, I just said "Nope," and closed the car door. I turned to leave when I heard his door open. He stood up and said proudly, "Anne is my girlfriend." I don't remember much after that, I remember my shoulder and then my head hitting the side of the car and then waking up on the grass with M standing over me. I sat up and motioned to stand, but stumbled and ended up on all fours on the grass with cold sweat on my face. It took about a week for it to really sink in what he had said and the implications.
Fast forward to Spring Break. M was back in town. The group and I were together and Anne and M had zero concept of when it is appropriate to make out. Several times it would start right in front of me and once M was leaning against me with Anne on top of him. I got Anne alone once, and explained to her that I would prefer if they would use more discretion in when they choose to get lost in each others mouths. She agreed and I had a good feeling that she would keep her word, at least from then on they would go to another room, it still irked me that Anne would invite all of us over just to disappear five minutes later with M. I had the group over at my house, the day before M was to leave to resume his classes, when the two disappeared again. I went to get something from my room and M was in his boxers and Anne's shirt was open and they were on top of each other on my bed. "Oops, I got carried away." Anne said, with the expression of a small child that didn't know what they did was wrong. I went out to my car in the driveway, folded my arms on the steering wheel and thought about how a seemingly perfect friendship had degenerated to that point, but I figured that soon, M would be gone and I would be able to have fun again.
Fast forward to March. It was Saturday and the group and I had hung out at Anne's. I didn't have the car and was stuck at my house. I had some cleaning to do but I could clean and hang out at the same time. I called up Anne and said I wanted to hang out at my house because I had to clean, she said she'd call everybody and tell them and they'd be over soon. Two hours later, nobody had shown up, so I called to check in. "Oh, yeah, last night we decided to come over to my house so we could play the N64 and we don't want to watch a movie at your house because there isn't much else to do there, we can pick you up if you want." I had about a day left of cleaning to do and was a little irked that she apparently found my house so boring, so I explained the cleaning I had to do to her, and she said that we couldn't hang out that day but that she really wanted to hang out with me. I suggested she bring the N64 over to my house, but she claimed it was far too tangled with the other wires at her house. (That confused me, because she got it two days before) but I was insistent on hanging out, which admittedly, was dumb. That's when the conversation took a nosedive. She explained that I was being selfish. I responded by saying I thought it was equally selfish of her to not want to bother untangling a wire. This went back and forth for a while until I simply said "You know what? You guys are asses." and I hung up. I was devastated, she had never spoken to me like that before and I cried for about an hour. Little did I know that would be the last time I would be able to cry.
I waited a few hours and called her back. I said I was wrong and that I just wanted to fix things and put this incident behind us. She said "I don't know if I can forgive this, you called me selfish." This baffled me, because she was the first to use that word in that conversation. I said, "Yes, but you also called me selfish, and I think--" she cut me off by saying I was just a lying fag and that I've caused her far too much stress for us to repair this relationship. (because apparently, it's impossible to have a full days worth of cleaning). I inquired as to what exactly I did that stressed her out. She responded by rattling off a list of 24 things she hates that I do or make her do. The list included "Joking about M even though he rejected me like ten times" which is not true, it was once, and joking about it was my way of getting over the incident. And she also said such gems as "I hate how you leave the room like a pussy whenever you're angry" and "I hate having to comfort you when you're upset." I was stunned. "I... I guess this isn't going to work out." I said to which she replied, "I guess not." and I hung up. It was a strange feeling I had after that, It was like I was watching myself from outside my body. I sank to the floor and tried to cry but couldn't. I couldn't do anything but stare at my phone in disbelief. I would later find out that this was the beginning of what my doctor referred to as "Non-Combat Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," a diagnosis I received a couple of weeks ago. That night, she posted a status update talking about the wonderful dayshe had with all her friends, listing everybody except for me. Later I find out that everybody else in the group is mad at me, all except Al are speaking to me, and even he is, quote: "Disappointed that I made Anne so stressed and how my relationship with the group was always one-sided.
At any rate, because of all of this, I can barely bring myself to leave the house. The only places I would go to are also her favorite spots and I'm afraid if I run into her again, I won't be able to remain as calm as I did during the fight. I can't even bring myself to get groceries because she goes to the same store as me often and sporadically. The closest other store is a fifteen minute drive while this one is about 300 yards away. All my other friends who I have become close to go to school out of town, and I'm afraid to get close to new people, because I had only known that group for about two years. In class, I talk about my interests with others, but never anything personal, and I would never dream of flat out saying "I'm gay" like I did with the last group. I've seriously considered moving out of state, but I don't have the money and I'm already enrolled at the Community College and I don't want to deal with transferring. I feel alone and I don't know how to cope. I see a psychiatrist regularly, but it doesn't help a great deal.
There was this guy. (That's how it always starts, right?) I guess I'll call him "M." He was a part of a group of friends that has about 8 core members, of which I was one. I really liked him, but of course, he was straight. The other day, I told him that I had feelings for him and that I didn't want it to get between us. I was up late studying for my English final, going over old tests and essays and whatnot, when I heard the ping of my instant messenger. I went over to check it and it was from M. I found the transcript somewhere in the depths of my chat log and I'll post it here.
Quote:M: I thought about what you said.
Eric: Huh?
M: I knew for a while, you've made it pretty obvious since you came out to me.
Eric: Ok
M: The thing is, the way you act changes when you're around me and it has to stop. It's embarrassing.
Eric: ...
M: We've all seen it, your voice gets higher, you act a more feminine, if it doesn't stop, then I can't deal with you. I'm sick of it.
Eric: I think my internet connection is going to cut out.
Not only was M the first person I came out to as being gay, but the first person to reject me (certainly not the last), and the harshest. I just lay in my bed, more shocked than anything until I had to leave for my final at 9:30 in the morning. Of course, as luck would have it, M was in my English class. I walked into the classroom and he was sitting in his usual spot. I still felt raw and bruised, so I sat on the other side of the room. Al, a friend who was also in the group, came up to me and said "Eric, why aren't you sitting by M?" I couldn't even speak, I just shook my head. "Eric, what's wrong? Why aren't you sitting by M?" I swallowed the lump in my throat and managed to croak out, "Because he's a bastard." even that was too much for me, because I had to leave the room before I made a scene. I cried a little in the bathroom. Ten minutes later, I was able to compose myself enough to take the final, but headed immediately home. It took a few months, but we gradually smoothed things over, but I never had time to get over him on my own terms.
Fast forward to January. M was home from college on winter break, and we were hanging out with everybody else. Anne, much took charge of the group, she was a great friend and I trusted her with pretty much everything, in fact, she helped smooth things over with M, and knew that I still had strong feelings for him, but that I couldn't show them. We had a great time that night, and M was taking me home in his car. We arrived at my house without incident, but just before I got out of the car I remarked that he was unusually close to Anne that night. He kind of smiled and said, "Wait, you don't know about us?" I was inordinately dense that night so I didn't realize what he was saying, I just said "Nope," and closed the car door. I turned to leave when I heard his door open. He stood up and said proudly, "Anne is my girlfriend." I don't remember much after that, I remember my shoulder and then my head hitting the side of the car and then waking up on the grass with M standing over me. I sat up and motioned to stand, but stumbled and ended up on all fours on the grass with cold sweat on my face. It took about a week for it to really sink in what he had said and the implications.
Fast forward to Spring Break. M was back in town. The group and I were together and Anne and M had zero concept of when it is appropriate to make out. Several times it would start right in front of me and once M was leaning against me with Anne on top of him. I got Anne alone once, and explained to her that I would prefer if they would use more discretion in when they choose to get lost in each others mouths. She agreed and I had a good feeling that she would keep her word, at least from then on they would go to another room, it still irked me that Anne would invite all of us over just to disappear five minutes later with M. I had the group over at my house, the day before M was to leave to resume his classes, when the two disappeared again. I went to get something from my room and M was in his boxers and Anne's shirt was open and they were on top of each other on my bed. "Oops, I got carried away." Anne said, with the expression of a small child that didn't know what they did was wrong. I went out to my car in the driveway, folded my arms on the steering wheel and thought about how a seemingly perfect friendship had degenerated to that point, but I figured that soon, M would be gone and I would be able to have fun again.
Fast forward to March. It was Saturday and the group and I had hung out at Anne's. I didn't have the car and was stuck at my house. I had some cleaning to do but I could clean and hang out at the same time. I called up Anne and said I wanted to hang out at my house because I had to clean, she said she'd call everybody and tell them and they'd be over soon. Two hours later, nobody had shown up, so I called to check in. "Oh, yeah, last night we decided to come over to my house so we could play the N64 and we don't want to watch a movie at your house because there isn't much else to do there, we can pick you up if you want." I had about a day left of cleaning to do and was a little irked that she apparently found my house so boring, so I explained the cleaning I had to do to her, and she said that we couldn't hang out that day but that she really wanted to hang out with me. I suggested she bring the N64 over to my house, but she claimed it was far too tangled with the other wires at her house. (That confused me, because she got it two days before) but I was insistent on hanging out, which admittedly, was dumb. That's when the conversation took a nosedive. She explained that I was being selfish. I responded by saying I thought it was equally selfish of her to not want to bother untangling a wire. This went back and forth for a while until I simply said "You know what? You guys are asses." and I hung up. I was devastated, she had never spoken to me like that before and I cried for about an hour. Little did I know that would be the last time I would be able to cry.
I waited a few hours and called her back. I said I was wrong and that I just wanted to fix things and put this incident behind us. She said "I don't know if I can forgive this, you called me selfish." This baffled me, because she was the first to use that word in that conversation. I said, "Yes, but you also called me selfish, and I think--" she cut me off by saying I was just a lying fag and that I've caused her far too much stress for us to repair this relationship. (because apparently, it's impossible to have a full days worth of cleaning). I inquired as to what exactly I did that stressed her out. She responded by rattling off a list of 24 things she hates that I do or make her do. The list included "Joking about M even though he rejected me like ten times" which is not true, it was once, and joking about it was my way of getting over the incident. And she also said such gems as "I hate how you leave the room like a pussy whenever you're angry" and "I hate having to comfort you when you're upset." I was stunned. "I... I guess this isn't going to work out." I said to which she replied, "I guess not." and I hung up. It was a strange feeling I had after that, It was like I was watching myself from outside my body. I sank to the floor and tried to cry but couldn't. I couldn't do anything but stare at my phone in disbelief. I would later find out that this was the beginning of what my doctor referred to as "Non-Combat Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," a diagnosis I received a couple of weeks ago. That night, she posted a status update talking about the wonderful dayshe had with all her friends, listing everybody except for me. Later I find out that everybody else in the group is mad at me, all except Al are speaking to me, and even he is, quote: "Disappointed that I made Anne so stressed and how my relationship with the group was always one-sided.
At any rate, because of all of this, I can barely bring myself to leave the house. The only places I would go to are also her favorite spots and I'm afraid if I run into her again, I won't be able to remain as calm as I did during the fight. I can't even bring myself to get groceries because she goes to the same store as me often and sporadically. The closest other store is a fifteen minute drive while this one is about 300 yards away. All my other friends who I have become close to go to school out of town, and I'm afraid to get close to new people, because I had only known that group for about two years. In class, I talk about my interests with others, but never anything personal, and I would never dream of flat out saying "I'm gay" like I did with the last group. I've seriously considered moving out of state, but I don't have the money and I'm already enrolled at the Community College and I don't want to deal with transferring. I feel alone and I don't know how to cope. I see a psychiatrist regularly, but it doesn't help a great deal.
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Virgo
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