Is this more common that I realize and what's my next move?

[Anonymous]

I have never posted on this kind of forum and I have certainly never disclosed the following to anyone.

A long time ago, when we were both 13, I had my first intimate sexual experience with my best friend who lived next door. For clarification we are both guys. It ended up being a summer long experience that I have never forgotten.

It all began several months prior. One day we were alone at his house and he pulled out a stash of magazines from his older brother’s secret place and he began to masturbate to show me he could pleasure himself. I was in disbelief as I this was someone I have known since age 5 and now saw him in a state of arousal for the first time. Over the next few weeks he encouraged me to join him, which I uncomfortably did. Finally this one particular day he said we should do something to each other (Now I was really embarrassed). We were alone in his house, as all of his family was gone out of state on vacation and an older brother had a full time summer job. I won’t go into the details but the first time was clumsy and I was scared as I knew that anything of the sort between two guys was very wrong – but I came away liking it. I suppose our hormones were raging (I wanted his older sister), our desires to be with women could not be fulfilled because of lack of accommodating material or just shyness or ??? I figured this would have ended after the first time but it continued all summer long. We found ways to be completely alone. I don’t think either of us really knew what to do but speaking for myself I just let my hormones do my thinking and copied some of the things we saw in the pages of said magazines. Did he ever get intimate with anyone else in our neighborhood? I will never know, he always insisted I never tell anyone about the two of us.

It ended when we went back to school as neither of us found the time. Although we were born the same year, he was born toward the end of the year which put him a year behind me in school and we had different schedules.

Many years, girlfriends and an even joke of a marriage, I still think about that summer with my best friend. I wonder if he thinks of it as I do. We saw each other on a very limited basis post high school as he went away to college and post-college I began my work career. I saw him last 3 years ago at a funeral. We hugged and brought each other up to speed about life. He is married and has children.

So why do I bring this up? I have never had desires to be with another man and certainly don’t find myself people watching and saying “wow that’s a cute guy.” I have never been intimate with another male since that summer long ago. I do admit to fantasizing about one more night with my best friend. The only regret I have about a subject that is still regarded as taboo is that we grew up in a era without digital cameras and phones but because I certainly would have captured a few things for keepsake. I certainly don’t have the courage to call him out of the blue and say “remember what we did as teens, I want another fling.” Nor do I have the courage to test the waters with something new to find out is it him that I want or just a walk on the other side.

I have since done some research and if the stories I read are true an not just fantasy fiction there seems to have been a lot of teens whose first sexual experience were with people of the same sex that they knew very well. So does this make me a bisexual? Would he be classified as bisexual or just horny, after all he initiated everything? Or am I just longing for those happy go lucky care free days before the days of career demands and financial responsibility? Ladies, men…anyone with a similar experience? How did you resolve it?

[juk]

Well if your only same sex attraction is to this guy it looks unlikely that you are bi. Sometimes our first time experiences of something pleasurable (not talking just sex either) hold vivid memories and we long to repeat the experience.

Although you dont think you could approach him for a repeat you have to ask yourself would you really want that anyway? Sometimes the memory is far better than the experience we have when trying to recapture an event.

[marshlander]

I agree with juk on this one. Experimentation in adolescence is a normal way of discovering who you are and what makes you tick. I guess most people settle on what suits them best unless their development suffers some kind of interference such as something like a strict religious code.

Unless you find yourself fantasising about being with another man and those desires are are reaching overwhelming proportions you are probably not gay although you may be in that portion of the Kinsey scale where you could be classed as bisexual. What exactly do you think needs resolving?

When I was married and living with my wife I am sad to say I found little satisfaction in sex although most of the time I could go through with it, but there would be periods of months and, in the end five whole years, when we didn't do it at all. I had erotic dreams about men, fantasised about them as I masturbated, preferred mixed couples in porn images (but pretty much blotted out the women in favour of intimate shots of the men) and even as I found myself being driven with increasing frequency by a force I felt unable to control into crazy cottaging or cruising situations I still denied I was gay. That had to change when I fell in love with a man and realised how different (and much more satisfying) it was.

I have now been in a monogamous relationship with a man for several years. For three weeks out of every four we live in different countries and it is easy to be faithful to him. I don't need anyone else for sex. I've come to the conclusion that I think I am probably gay

Without more information it sounds like you are thinking more of those carefree days. You won't know for sure unless you find a way of rekindling that flame. It is quite possible that, were you to revisit the scenes of your teenage adventures, you wouldn't find him quite as you remembered him. Who knows! Often it is the person, rather than the sex, that is important.

[princealbertofb]

I get the impression that you are single at the moment and that you are questioning the way your relationships have gone... and whether you've been trying to fool yourself into straight relationships just because it was more convenient. Now is something nagging at you, that you are beginning to find difficult to come to terms with? Do you think you should experience a same sex relationship again or is it just nostalgia? I'm not sure I understand where you are standing right now. More to the point, do you wish to be classified, or are you happy with being just who you are whether that means bi, straight or gay? Are you looking for our 'permission' to try the gay game again, or are you trying to find the courage to give yourself permission to do so? You used the words "very wrong" and are writing anonymously, which means that whoever you are doesn't yet have the right to have experienced this fabulous time in your adolescence. I'd say this experimentation was mandatory, especially if that's what you were eventually designed to enjoy.

[peterinmalaga]

So does this make me a bisexual? Would he be classified as bisexual or just horny, after all he initiated everything? Or am I just longing for those happy go lucky care free days before the days of career demands and financial responsibility? Ladies, men…anyone with a similar experience? How did you resolve it?

You don't seem to have resolved this issue. It seems that there is a desire to repeat the experience but you haven't got the bottle. It may be that you have married and now see your marriage as your priority. I don't think this is going to go away, the memory could haunt you all your life. Choose your own label or reject them all: the labels are not the problem. I'm pretty sure that most people on this forum have had similar experiences and most have resolved the problem by embracing a gay or bisexual lifestyle. I doubt if that helps you. If I am reading this right, it's a matter of priorities for you. If I am wrong, why don't you tell us some more?

[princealbertofb]

I got the impression, Peter, that this joke of a marriage was over... therefore no longer an issue in his life... We need more updates and info really.

[Antagonist]

As a society, we place far too much emphasis on labels. It's ultimately up to the individual to decide whether or not he or she is straight, bisexual or gay. Furthermore, our past and present actions do not define our sexual identities. For example, I could be a 41-year-old virgin who knows that he's gay. I could also be a lesbian who was sexually abused by her father as a child but still know that I'm only attracted to women.

Oddly enough, a huge portion of gay men end up having sex with or marrying women before coming out of the closet, but no one pressures them to identify as bisexuals. However, a man such as yourself, who is straight except for one fling as a teenager, is always pressured to identify as bisexual. I wonder why that is? It seems that we're taught that gay sex leaves some indelible mark on our souls that "Normal Sex" doesn't.

The point I'm trying to make is that we all experiment along the way, but it's what we truly feel inside that defines who we are. We should never let others force labels on us that we don't feel comfortable with. And I'll leave you with this quote from comedian Margaret Cho, who was in the same predicament as yourself and feeling the pressure of family and friends to identify as bisexual: "Well, I attended a friend's bar mitzvah last week, too. Does that mean I'm also Jewish?"

That Antagonist