before or after?

[pocket_pilgrim]

good day to anyone reading this.

i am a 22-year old guy. i am, obviously, gay. and i am just about to relocate to belgium. now i usually do not take the "online approach" (or, not anymore), as i am not too much into boards of any kind. also i prefer to deal with my problems alone, solve them in my head and make the best choices. but now i felt the need to ask a question, and i couldn't get it out of my system so here i am.

i am not out. but that is merely a tangential issue. i have been in a 2-year relationship with a married man (it sounds bad but i know who i am and what i've felt all this time so i have made peace in my mind), but this is not the issue either. i have a best friend (female) and i care for her deeply. she is funny, sweet, kinky and a great cook to boot. she has just broken up with a virtual love interest and i was there to comfort her, of course. i suspect she is at least quite a bit in love with me (how often do you hear that here? all the time, i'm sure). like i said, i am going to belgium for a year and i have been talking to a guy there, and i can't wait to see him. he is all the things she is (and more, of course) but not a good cook!

i am seriously thinking about coming out. at least to my good friend. my question is: should i do it before i leave (i leave in less than 2 weeks) or sometime after, perhaps when she comes visit (that will be possible only sometime next year, february, march)? i care for her very much and i am worried that, if i come out now and then leave, she will feel completely abandoned (especially with all this following her bad break-up)... but i also want to be honest with her and share more of me than ever before, also i don't want to give her high hopes... and i don't want to scare her with a coming out/already have a boyfriend combo - if she comes visit. frankly, i have reached a dead end and cannot take the next step. so i will take any friendly advice you can give... if any.

she is very special to me. i want to do this with the least harm possible.

thank you so much for reading this,
and i will appreciate any kind of feedback.

all the best,
t.

[futureRD]

On some level she knows. If she knows you as well as you believe, she probably has an idea.

Personally, i would tell her before you leave. It gives you time to talk, plus if she needs some time to think and adjust... it puts distance between you and puts less pressure on her. There won't be an akward run ins...

PLUS, if she is really a friend she'll get over it and move on. If she doesn't, well she was not the person you thought she was.

I'm sure she will betrayed in the beginning if she really does carry a flame for you, but I think she will get over it. . . just be there for her and answer her questions and be patient.

[pocket_pilgrim]

well i am sure she suspects it, but she hopes it isn't true... i am very outgoing but by no means flamboyant. we have the same type of humour that borders both on goofy and kinky, in a smart and never out-in-the-open way. i often "joke" about me being gay, and at one point we did have a casual talk about "what if?" (one of those long, all-night talks about everything and nothing) and when i asked "what if i were gay?" her reaction was very interesting: she was really excited, and said "that would be really cool! you do realise you'd be the first gay person i know right? and having a gay friend is something every girl wants - and i expect to hear all the details!!". on the other hand, she is definitely very much into me and has repeatedly hinted that she wants more... i guess i am the only guy who has been there for her, through good times and bad, and so far she's dated nothing but bad apples. but i guess her general attitude will be of acceptance and it may even bring us closer than before... at least that is what i hope.

anyway, thank you so much for the reply... it means a lot to me. i really appreciate it...

i'll see what i am going to do.

later,
t.

[drocko17]

well, what a dilemma...
but i thought something
imagine how terrible would be for her to know you're gay just when you're leaving to Belgium for a year. you'd also need more time to be with her, talk to her, support her emotionally, all that stuff. Without analyzing the situation too much... you should not tell her till you're back
or u should give her some 'tips' before u leave...

[spotysocks]

If you think she has too many thing in her plate right now i d say it's better to wait. I dont see the urgency of it and she has already an idea that you might be gay , i mean she has thought about it. Give her a few hints if you think it will make things easier and wait and see how things in your life and in the relationship you have with her will go after you move to belgium and act accordingly.

However i think she will take it well if not then fine all the same . People who accept others for what they are and dont judge too harshly are the ones worth keeping.

[pocket_pilgrim]

hm, is seems i got 3 different responses:

1. tell her

2. don't

3. give hints

the third one is out, i already have, so i will have to choose between the first two. i think i am going to tell her. it just feels right.

thank you so much for the help, guys.
i'll let you know how it goes.


t.

[drocko17]

well, your choice then, good luck keep us informed

[pocket_pilgrim]

i did it. it was brilliant. she was totally supportive. we talked serious, we laughed, we discussed everything and anything. she was shocked, disappointed, ecstatic, impressed, dumbfounded, happy, sad.

it was perfect.

thank you guys, for your advice and support.

free hugs for everyone!

t.

[drocko17]

Congratulations!!!
:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:

When are you leaving? She'd like to share more time with you b4 u leave

[pocket_pilgrim]

i am meeting with her again tomorrow evening. but we are going at a friend's birthday party so it's very hush hush. this evening we played some cards with her sister and the sister's boyfriend and i was making all sorts of jokes "for the conaisseurs". nobody else got them, except on a basic level. but she and i were smirking all evening. it was so relieving and yet so strange.

i am happier than i've been in a long time. i love her to bits.

she said she can't wait to come visit me in belgium - and it will most probably be a very very interesting visit! i'll make sure it is :biggrin:

lots of love for everyone
t.

and thank you muchly, drocko!