Fears

[TimeBandit]

I haven't dated anyone since the end of 2005. I haven't even made much of an effort. The last "relationship" lasted about a year, it was long-distance which just didn't work out and I don't think I'll ever try that again.

Before that, I was in a relationship for three years until 2004. I was completely in love with the guy, but he abruptly said he felt conflicted about his sexuality and didn't want to string me along while he tries to figure out if he should be with a woman. I was initially very devastated, and went into a serious year-long bout of depression and anxiety. I had wanted to marry the guy and had all sorts of dreams wrapped up in a future life together. It's taken a long time to let go of all that. To this day I still love him and care about him, but I accept that he doesn't feel the same way anymore.

I'm a decent-looking guy, I don't smoke or use drugs, and I honestly look 10 years younger (it's in the family genes thank God lol), so if I put myself out there, I'm pretty sure I could get some bites and start dating. But something is preventing me from doing so... and it worries me. Time is ticking and the longer I wait, the less likely I will meet someone.

How do I get past the fear of getting into another relationship and risk him dumping me after a few years? I don't want to go through that heartache again, and unfortunately I have this idea in my head that gay men are all fickle and constantly looking for the next best thing. I hate to be jaded, I really do, I used to tell myself I would never be like this, but here I am! Ugh.

There is another issue that is preventing me from dating, and that is my lack of confidence about my career. I've had some setbacks, some of which happened during my bout of depression several years back. I am not where I wanted to be financially or career-wise. I'm totally self-sufficient, I work hard and pay my bills and I'm completely debt-free, but I don't own a house and I can't see myself being able to do so within the next 5 years. There is a part of me that is a little ashamed of how little money I make in comparison to others. But I'm a good person who lives within his means and I have a big heart. Am I right in thinking I face rejection of possible guys because I don't have a big career and I am not money-driven?

I guess what I really need to do is just take some risks and let the cards fall where they may. Better than doing nothing and growing old with regrets, right?

[eastofeden]

Hi! Welcome.....I think that you have to accept the possiblity that you may get dumped or worse as there are no guarantees ...love and relationships are always a risk and you have to decide if it is a risk worth taking.

[fenris]

I just read your post...
It seems for me that you have really bad experiences with "partners" you had. There is not a guarantee that you are still together with a partner in 25 Years ... but nobody has this guarantee.... and whats the alternate ? Staying alone... being sad and frustrated ? Thats the wrong way, I think.... nobody takes the risk for you ... but a new or better a good relationship is it worth to take the risk...
Whether you own a house or not, for a partner who truly loves you does not matter. All financial matters in a good relationship doesn´t count.... And I know where I`m talking about.. because I´m at home since my partner knows me ...
I would try to start new ... watching out for a relationship... meeting friends ... whatever... but don´t stay at home and thinking about problems you had with last partner.... or what a partner maybe can think about your financial situation.
Take the risk ... it is it worth ...

[JtheYoungBear]

Hello there,

Been there, done that. A guy who I had a very strong connection with recently has told me in so many ways that he is truly conflicted with his sexuality. I'm just getting this after a 3-year string of bad relationships, dates, and just being played and burned time and again. With the worst 3 months this past summer, where a guy who wanted me for life turned out to be a user.

Right now, like you, I am scared to get into something myself. I just don't want to experience another heartbreak; more false hope.

Sometimes those things happen, so the best thing to do really is put your best foot forward, but keep in mind your heart and your intentions. Try to be hard with what you want, and be realistic. Noone can live in a fantasy relationship as a lot of men make things out to be sometimes.

[marshlander]

Sorry to read about your bad experiences, but sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to find your prince (I guess I'm lucky that in my case they are one and the same )

The fact that you are honest, hard working and thrifty means a great deal and some day someone will realise that. It sounds like you have ansered your own question, but Tennyson got it right I think:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
(from In Memoriam - Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1850)

[fredv3b]

Am I right in thinking I face rejection of possible guys because I don't have a big career and I am not money-driven?

There will be guys who choose not to go out with you for a whole variety of reasons. There may well be a few who choose not to because of those reasons, on the other hand there may well be guys who would choose not to if you were money-driven with a big career.

Otherwise I'd say that relationships are (generally) so rewarding as to be worth the risk.

[forbuss]

You need to get out there! We have a great age difference, but I am going though a lot of stuff like this too. Fear is very crippling - I don't think you should be ashamed of your job at all! I know that I wouldn't care if my boyfriend was a shit shoveler or a lawyer.

Onto the fear thing. Like I said, it's very crippling. But for some reason, us as humans are messed up and would rather hold onto things that only cause us pain then be strong and get over them. It's hard to be strong, and it's easy to be weak. I am currently placed directly in the weak column myself. Being strong means being truly lonely - or at least being ok with it. It's something that I struggle with daily - it's my biggest flaw as a person, thinking that I am somehow not good enough. You can tell yourself that you deserve love but if your heart doesn't believe it, it doesn't do much good. Have you ever tried affirmations?

Hope I helped!

[TimeBandit]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies!

I'm wondering now, when it comes right down to it, perhaps I just don't think anyone would want to date me, and that's why I haven't put myself out there. My self-worth really took a hit with my last boyfriend breaking up to date women--which he has done, at least one, but from what I know he has done more screwing around with guys. But that shouldn't be any of my concern. I need to get over that hurt and realize that his rejection doesn't define me.

And you're right that I shouldn't worry so much about my job. I just find it embarrassing that I have a job that most people might do fresh out of college just to make some money until they get a real job. But that's a whole other issue.

[invis85]

Hey,

I am currently dating a great guy who's still in the closet, not comfortable with his own sexuality. I don't know am I naive but I'd like to think that if I believe in us working out, we will. I have my fear too. Sometimes I don't know how I am handling it, but I try. Don't let what might happen jeopardize your future. What might happen might not happen.

[Aaycle]

Hey Guy, you are asking us to peek into the future and tell you the person you date is your life partner, that will be with you for always. I am sorry, that your partner just up and walked away. He was like life--unpredictable. But, you can't let his behaviour, or action stop you for possibly finding that perfect guy. Continue, to scope the field, do it slowly, discriminatingly, and sincerely, you'll see he'll eventually show up.

As, for your finance, anyone, dating you solely for your money (or lack thereof) is not worth your time. When you find him, invest together, breathe together, and grow together, for you two will appreciate life and each other more. Besides, you seem to be a great, and sincere guy, and to me that is ALL that matters.