Let's talk about SEX .... or not

[Sil]

Well, lately I just can't wake up without thinking about sex, for the worse -

or more specifically, other people's sex. My partners. Even when I'm watching porn there are certain scenes and situations that relate to some negative memory relating to a loved one. They did this or that.

It's really awful and debilitating to the point where I'm starting to make a lot of negative associations towards sex which are unfounded. This person did this so therefore they are bad/slutty - that's complete rubbish, yet my brain continues to engage it. It's hypocritical, immature, persistent. It's simply association. For someone who dishes out advice on technique on here I have a lot of insecurity when people actually get down to talking about it casually in person. Sometimes even real pangs of pain or guilt when something is directly related to a trigger memory.

A long time ago I used to enjoy smut for what it was, and being with other people, but lately it seems that love and loss have really tainted a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I want to erase these associations so I can experience pain-free (mentally) enjoyment of sex. My partner and I are both quite happy in that department and I haven't mentioned this to him, however some his recent revelations, combined with an old ex, are the main catalyst for this whole thing.

I need mind-wipe, or to deal with these issues, they're really eating me up and spoiling a really special part of life for me. At one time I even wanted to cheat and have casual sex just to blast the whole thing into perspective; but that was when I knew it was becoming more serious...

I started sex pretty late in life by most standards at 21, and have had a moderate amount less experience than my partner, although some of these were casual which irks me the most. I feel now it's all boiling over into an actual want that could cause real problems for someone I love. We've talked about an open-relationship but it wouldn't be ideal.

[juk]

Sil, can you tell us any more about these associations? Sounds like there is something that has triggered this and understanding it better may help you rid yourself of these feelings.

I dont think that having a sexual experience with another person, be that 1-2-1 or a 3some with your partner, will help here - from what you are saying it just seems to have the potential to create another negative association to get over.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

If you shared a part of this with your partner and asked him to make a special evening for you two..and...just convince your mind that he IS perfect and that everything about him is okay, do you think it'd help?

[TimmyThink]

Wow Sil man there is so much psychology in this post it’s hard for a regular dude like me to answer but hell I’ll give it a try.

I read your post like 3 times and what I gleam for your post Sil is that maybe you and your partners past sexual lives are starting to collide causing some kind of friction or restlessness on your side.

As for your bad association with sex, maybe you could take a weekend an lock yourselves in the bedroom and make new memories.

An one more thing if science fiction has taught me anything it’s that the mind wipe ever ends well, you shouldn’t consider that as an option unless you get really desperate.

[Sil]

You are experience something very commons in relationship. You may deny it but you are getting bored with your partner in sex. So how 's about trying something new to refresh your sex life? You don't have to cheat and should never do. I suggest you and your partner find a third person for three way experience, that may help a lot.

We have talked about that and the idea would be quite nice for fun but I'm not sure how I would react seeing him with someone else, especially kissing; it depends what sort of mood I'm in. Sometimes I think I would really enjoy that, but we've never pursued it. I wouldn't say I'm bored of him sexually, I still find him very attractive and enjoy our time together a lot. It's more of an ego thing, where I want to be on the same page as him.

Sil, can you tell us any more about these associations? Sounds like there is something that has triggered this and understanding it better may help you rid yourself of these feelings.

I dont think that having a sexual experience with another person, be that 1-2-1 or a 3some with your partner, will help here - from what you are saying it just seems to have the potential to create another negative association to get over.

I'm not sure I'd like to post them in public on here but if you want to chat about it that'd be cool. I'll PM if it's not too much hassle for ya :redface:

I really don't know about this, it's something I would consider as a bit of fun but I agree.

If you shared a part of this with your partner and asked him to make a special evening for you two..and...just convince your mind that he IS perfect and that everything about him is okay, do you think it'd help?

Thanks Rizz we normally have a lot of romantic evenings, I'm a little bit too mushy when it comes to things like that, says I treat him too well, but I don't mind. Always make sure I look good for him, take him to his favourite restaurant, lot of attention in the bedroom and keeping him happy. It's weird that I'm worried because he's really wonderful, just my brain making trouble y'know.

Wow Sil man there is so much psychology in this post it’s hard for a regular dude like me to answer but hell I’ll give it a try.

I read your post like 3 times and what I gleam for your post Sil is that maybe you and your partners past sexual lives are starting to collide causing some kind of friction or restlessness on your side.

As for your bad association with sex, maybe you could take a weekend an lock yourselves in the bedroom and make new memories.

An one more thing if science fiction has taught me anything it’s that the mind wipe ever ends well, you shouldn’t consider that as an option unless you get really desperate.

hehe, I know, I think I've been watching too many movies... *sighs* you're right though, you phrased that really well- they are starting to collide and it's causing friction on my part, and it needn't be there.

It's dumb because I'm pretty happy in that department; we kinda did the honeymoon phase and it's rolled over, I haven't got tired of him. The weirdness on my part is just wanting to have experienced the same kinda things, it makes me feel like I'm kinda boring and behind the game.

[TimmyThink]

I don't don't think you have been watching enough movies, if you have seen Chasing Amy you would have good reference on what not to do in a situation kind of like yours, I mean you would have to replace your partner with a lesbian and yourself with Ben Affleck but it has many of the same themes as your story, hopefully your story ends better though.