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Freakin out! And Not in a good way :)
I’ve been avoiding writing into one of these blogs for so long, but I’ve wanted to so badly. I’ve looked at other people’s questions and comments, and they all sound so similar, but simultaneously different. I don’t mean to blanket statement all posts or all responses, but I think I know that most people have questions regarding their sexuality and orientation at one point or another. I know you can’t help me with definitive answers. But I’m really looking for feedback and ideas which relate to my musings. So, here’s the situation. I’m 24 and I can’t figure it out. I feel like I’m too old to be this “confused” if you can even call it that. I have a solid sense of identity in terms of my personality, likes, and dislikes, and despite my insecurities, I’m confident. I just can’t figure out how I feel. Or what I want. Or how I feel relates to what I want.
In high school I never had a long term relationship that I ever felt too strongly about. I dated guys here and there, and I believe I had intimate experiences with a few which were influenced by both attraction and a desire to be sort of cool; nonetheless, I never remember any intense sensations. Later, in college, I dated a gay guy (well he was gay) for about eight months. And, this guy is the hottest guy (in my eyes). I love him so much, and we are still incredibly close. I prefer his company to all others. Nonetheless, when we would have sex, I really wanted to please him and make him feel good. Yet, despite my attraction to him and his personality, I rarely would become tangibly aroused. I’d have to secretly use lubricant because I didn’t want him to feel insecure, but I still wanted to have sex. It would get better the second time. I half-convinced myself this was due to feeling “inadequate” because I wasn’t his preferred sex. Sorry I’m giving you TMI here. I feel at liberty in doing so but this is a message board, but the purpose I’m sharing is because I’m trying to differentiate emotional attraction from physical attraction and finally physiological attraction (i.e. feelings vs. desires vs. genital response).
So, moving on, after him, I had my first and only experience with a girl. Though I was never previously involved with a woman, I remember feeling warmth that I didn’t quite understand in high school when I would sit close to a few select girl friends. I rarely feel this way with guys. Anyway, she was great. I felt great. And I had no problems like I did with the guy before. In contrast, she didn’t quite know (nor did I) what to do in order please me. My aversion and insecurity regarding the fact that I had never had an orgasm at this time made me dissuade her from trying. But, as with the guy, I enjoyed giving. Since then I haven’t been with another girl, I’ve actually only ever had sex with the one guy I told you about earlier. I’ve dated other guys, and I think they’re attractive. For the most part, I only find some women and some men attractive. And I guess that’s pretty normal…..(?)
So, from the time I graduated college until now I’ve had a few relations with males, mostly with the same outcome (no pun intended Wink. I convinced myself that my lack of physiological response is because I lacked an intense emotional connection---as I did with my previous two partners. I thought, “I just have to find a man with some depth…he’ll come along and then I’ll be happy.” I also thought that if I couldn’t find a man that I was deeply physically attracted to, I would just look for someone who I connected with emotionally on every level, and give give give…and then consult my newly discovered vibrator friend to make up the difference during sex. I’d imagine I’d be good-to-go with some prepping. I thought: I could live like that. Nice man, cute kids, good jobs, useful vibrator: The American Dream
This really then all boils down to insecurity regarding societal expectations. I know that’s a pansy response. But, if I try to pursue the question—Who would you choose to be with if you had NO expectations to fulfill? If your parents had NO expectations regarding your marrying a man and having children? If you wouldn’t feel at all like you’ve been living an emotionally covert life in bottling all this up and keeping it from any life-long friend?..... And yet, I can’t answer that question assuredly. Not without question! It’s really frustrating to feel like you know yourself so well and not truly know beyond the shadow of a doubt, the answer to that. And then, I think, does anyone really know the answer?
Right now, I’m finally back on the market after two years of just focusing on my grueling job. When it rains it pours, and now I’m dating two guys. We’ve just started, so don’t think I’m playing anyone here. Four dates each, roughly. I like them both. But I’m definitely more attracted to the one. Now, it could have been the wine…but, sitting across from him at the table, I felt something. I often feel a subtle yearning for him. I’m sorry to use physiology as a gauge repeatedly; I hope you get the gist that I’m looking for something far beyond what the body registers. But, it seems to be a factor that I don’t totally understand. I often don’t talk about this with other people verbally because I haven’t voiced any of this to people I know. Typically I’m good at seeing where people are coming from, but…here, not so much.
I’m looking for guidance and advice. I could try to be with a girl again, but if that only reinforces the very little I understand, I feel like I’m paving a road that’s far more difficult to lead. I hope that’s not offensive. I admire and respect decisions of being entirely open and free-spirited. At this point, this proposal makes me return to the first conundrum. This former decision, if I chose to go down there, would REALLY cause upheaval. I know if I loved someone enough, I’d do it. Without a doubt. But, why would I look for a path that will begin with pseudo-chaos (being with a woman long-term) if I can find one I like equally that doesn’t involve chaos (being with a man long-term). I feel like I need time, commitment and depth of emotion to feel…. Am I oversimplifying!?! AH! Help me.

It sounds as if you haven't really made up your mind which you prefer in terms of sexuality, so it might mean that you need both connections, to male and female. And what's more, since no societal or family expectations are made upon you (at twenty-four and being a professional) it just makes it harder to choose.

Maybe you just haven't found that woman or man with whom you have that special connection, that je-ne-sais-quoi, that chemistry that amounts to love. Do you think that if you loved the person, you would find the choice easy to make? Maybe you should give the man for whom you feel the most feeling a bit more of your time and devotion and see if that creates a spark that amounts to love... It sounds like the man or woman who finally got all your attention would be very special indeed.

I don't think your path with a woman would be chaos, but it would certainly mean a number of challenges in terms of having a family (if that yearning becomes part of your life, some day... you know when the biological clock starts ticking) in terms of coming out to friends and family and being happy with it. Are you trying to say that conforming would be so much easier if you could settle for a man?

There is also the possibility that a husband or male partner would not feel threatened by the presence of another woman in your life (you might have to discuss that possibility with him before either of you commits)... you just need to find that rare pearl who will let you be who you need to be and who doesn't expect to fulfil your every need.

You could also not settle just now and keep experimenting till things become a little clearer. After all you are young.

Excuse the weirdo reply-to-your-reply here, but I can hear wisdom in your response. And that’s comforting because, as you might have guessed from the brief history up there, I really am looking for sincere responses.

I think you give good advice, and I’m going to take it. Focus more attention on the guy I feel something for and see what happens.

In terms of your question, “Are you trying to say that conforming would be so much easier if you could settle for a man?” Yes. I am saying that. Except, I’m hoping that my resolution wouldn’t be “settling” per say, but just “pursuing” the option that makes life easier, assuming that I wouldn’t lose anything if I could. Now, don’t get me wrong, you are correct in calling me out. IF it comes to needing to “settle,” I know I have it in me to be loyal and happy even if the fit is a little askew. This pisses me off about myself because I often get on a soap box about people supporting one another and being who they are, and Rejecting Oppression and Informing Ignorance. But, then I go and genuinely think something like, “well, for me, maybe it’s okay to settle” if I have to. It makes me feel like a coward. Yet (I think) I know if Super Someone came along, my tune would change because he/she would be worth it.

“There is also the possibility that a husband or male partner would not feel threatened by the presence of another woman in your life” Hmmmmmmmm. Interesting…This is also something I never thought about...worth considering

je-ne-sais-quoi- love that word! I’m definitely going to use it today.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and reply. You gave me a lot to chew on, and I really appreciate it.

My own experience suggests that "settling" before really understanding what one needs is not the best solution. You might be able to manage it for a few years, you might even enjoy those years, but eventually you would have to confront who you really are. The "chaos"of getting into a same-sex relationship now won't be a patch on the chaos that would be caused if you felt driven into the arms of another woman when you have your husband, children, house and dog to consider.

You read like a very thoughtful person who would have few difficulties helping a dear friend through similar issues. It's a pity that we don't always see the world quite as clearly when it comes to answering our own questions!

Good luck to you Smile

Many straight women have to satisfy themselves. Men are basically pigs and are unable to fully satisfy a woman. Human design tends to favor male pleasure than female pleasure. Its a design flaw. Most women will, however, respond very well to a lot of foreplay and other activities beyond intercourse. Having a partner who takes their time and 'plays' before will often have remarkable results for the woman.

Many straight women have no other choice but to use lube. KY was invented for women, not for gay anal sex. There are hormonal and other 'womanly issues' that lead to 'dryness' down yonder that has nothing to do with a woman's ability or interest in bed.
Vaginal dryness — causes and natural relief for more on that subject.

Age does not set a limit for 'confusion' At age 40 I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grow up... Even later in life I am often confused... or its senility...? :tongue:

I would suggest you go to a doctor and address potential medical reasons for lack of enthusiasm in bed (physical responses). hormonal issues can also have a huge impact on your interest in sex (any sex with anyone) which can turn around and affect other aspects of your relationship.

I’m trying to differentiate emotional attraction from physical attraction and finally physiological attraction

Often these aspects are so tightly bound with one another you can not tell where one ends and the other begins. This is perfectly 'normal' and falls well within human experience.

Just because you haven't met 'the one' either male or female doesn't mean there is something 'wrong' with you or that you are barking up the wrong trees, it only means you haven't found 'the one'.

you sound like you are driving yourself nuts with this, seriously. just wait for "super someone" to come along. when they do you'll know and it won't matter a damn if they are male or female because all the focus will be on them the world will become blurry and out of focus...no judgement or obligation will matter...you'll know when you know ya know? Smile

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