Need to know who I am

[Dysan]

Hi all,


I've got a problem and before I think about seeking professional help I want to hear other people's opinion. Moreover, I really need to tell someone about it. I've read some threads in this forum but they didn't really help, I think I need to say about it myself.

So, I have a girlfriend and I like to have sex with her. I do love girls in all respects. I like to touch their breasts and bottoms etc. I also like BDSM and I would really love to participate in some BDSM action with my girlfriend, though she doesn't really like that kind of stuff. I love to dominate over women, be tough and rude with them (only in bed, mind you, in life I prefer total equality and have a great respect for women) and I would absolutely not let a woman be my Top in any type of BDSM activity.
Ok, so a typical macho style.
After sex with women I'm calm, self-satisfied and I feel just great, no problem at all.

Now the problem:

When I'm alone and I masturbate (to tell you the truth I like to do it rather often, sometimes 3-4 times a day) I always think of myself as a submissive girl that is roughly used by some tough guy (or several guys), humiliated and treated like a lower-class woman in medieval times, or about myself being feminized and used as a sex slave by some man. When I watch porn (mostly BDSM or rough sex porn) I fantasize that I am that submissive girl on the screen. I watch only hetero porn, because I can't stand the sight of gay porn, or two guys kissing (now guys, I'm really SORRY for that, I respect gays and recognize their rights, it's just, well, I don't like that, that's all). Right after I cum, some switch turns on, and I feel terrible, I cannot look at myself in the mirror, I feel frustration, anxiety, I'm devastated and depressed. It's like two persons are living inside me: a macho guy and a submissive sl**ty girl. I thought of trying gay sex in real life, but what can be the circumstances? I mean, if I feel terrible after innocent masturbation, what would I feel after the real sex with a guy?((

Another point is that when I see a beautiful naked woman in the Net or elsewhere, I feel sad. Firstly because I want her so badly, secondly because I want to be her, to have such marvelous body and be adored by men, and I know that both are impossible.
So who am I? Bisexual and switch? Did any of you guys (or your friends, partners) experienced the same?
Well, I think that's all. Again, sorry to those who was in any way offended by this message - it was not intended for it. Thanks to all who read this to the end and gave it some consideration. I would really appreciate some piece of advice.
Best Regards

[OrphanPip]

Sounds like you're having issues of gender identity.

I'd try working on getting over the guilt before going out and actually doing something. You should be comfortable with who you are, and not everything needs to be categorized under a label.

[Circuit]

Get a life.
Enjoy masturbation, you are into fantasy world already.

[Sil]

Get a life.
Enjoy masturbation, you are into fantasy world already.

This from someone who is - "Sympathetic and respectful to all people."
sounds to me like he already has more of a life than you mate. Don't listen to this guy would be my first tip ^

***************

The funny thing is there are some elements of truth here - Fantasies are nothing to get stressed over usually, only actions. So far you're simply going with what works, and the gender confusion issues are something your culturally-programmed brain is trying to reject. It's the macho Vs. The feminine. Yeah I pointed out the obvious

This is difficult because in your current state of mind I wouldn't advise sexual experimentation with guys, as it sounds like it could cause you a lot of grief and negative feelings, not to mention damage your relationship. There have been times when I've fantasised things like that, but truthfully in real life, they would be pretty scarey and not erotic in the slightest. I think fantasies often 'represent' an aspect of desire, something you can appreciate as sexually interesting; morals and values are much more conflicting and work against these.

It seems to me it's a mental battle of the dominant and the submissive. You've dominated, and now want to experience the same feeling for yourself; it may be power that you find attractive, rather than being with another man, and you associate men with being powerful and dominant. Your subconscious brain pieces these together and gives you a nice picture show.

I'd consider (carefully!) asking your girlfriend if she'd be willing to experiment with you, being tied up and controlled by her, and see how you react to it. I get the same feeling as my boyfriend hates being mean to me, even in fun. Hope you work through this eventually.

[marshlander]

Transgendered lesbian?

How one feels after sex is often an expression of the conditioning we've experienced as we've grown up.

[SrChulo]

I definitely had the post-cum guilt while growing up. I always feared that cumming after sex with a guy would be 100x as terrible. To my surprise, it wasn't. It just didn't happen! I think that having sex (or... getting a blowie or whatever it was) was so real, and right in front of my eyes, that I knew it had to be right. And I had someone there with me after cumming, so you don't feel alone and depressed. Not sure if anyone else has had this experience.

I'm not saying go do something right now... I think you should do some thinking for yourself, but don't get too hung up on it. When you're ready to try to be with a guy, give it a shot. If it doesn't feel right at any point, just stop. We've all been through that before, so it's very understandable.

[Dysan]

BIG thanks to all, your replies does mean a lot.
Sill, I get stressed over fantasies because when I'm turned on I do want to try this kind of sex very much but I don't act beacuse I know the result will be disasterous. Your concept of power+men=nice picture seems to be very interesting, I think I need to think about it some more time.
And, well, about the girlfriend, no I don't think it's a good idea cause there is too much at stake. I just don't know how I will react, it might be so that won't want to be with her anymore, as the memory of her being dominant may impact my attitude towards her. I can't be near the person who once dominated me, I need to either dominate him/her as well, or to be equal with him/her. It's not really my fancy, cause I think it's cool to dominate all over the place, it's just that I need to be either equal or dominant. This is another thing that stopping me from trying real gay sex, as my reaction towards the partner after I cum might be inadequate and I won't be able to bring myself to stay with him aftewards.

SrChulo, well, I think I'm not "growing up" anymore cause I'm 24 =)
24-years-old is obviously not a very mature age, but I've read quite a lot of articles regarding gender indentity and sexual orientation and they say these kind of thoughts and searches usually end at the age of about 20 (don't know whether this is true). BTW, when I was growing up, I think till the age of 15, I didn't have these thoughts in my mind. I was masturbating while watching naked women in playboy and I didn't want to have her and to be her at the same time.

I'll try to think about it, and about your ideas regarding the issue. Sometimes it just gets worse and sometimes it goes away for some days. I'm just tired of the fact that two persons are living in me and that I enjoy being a man but so badly want to be a woman sometimes. I do want to get rid of that feelings though I understand it's not going to be easy.