My Ex Is Driving Me Craaaazy

[bostongoodtimes]

I don't know...I am all upset.

My boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me a month ago. He went down to Florida, met a guy and spent time with him over 3 days. When he came home, I found out and told him I would be willing to work things out. He felt very guilty about what he did to me and said he couldnt be with me. That if he did, he would just end up doing the cheating over and over because he knows that I love him and I would accept him and try to move on.

So that happened in November, and its been a month. I didnt call or text, and I didnt answer his texts. I texted him yesterday because there was a death in my family and my ex knew him, and we all lived together for several years. I felt it was the right thing to do.

We talked today for an hour or so, and it was civil but it bothers me because he says he doesnt want to be in a relationship with me ever again because of how guilty he feels about the way he treated me. He says he wants to start fresh with this guy from Florida and try to be a better man than he was to me. It makes me so angry because I do not understand why he couldnt try with me. So he says absolutely 'no' to a relationship, and says he wants me to be a really great friend. He still wants to be able to talk to me, have our inside jokes, come over to family events, still go out to eat together, and to the movies at midnight. And when I told him we couldnt do that because we would probably end up having sex, he agreed that it could happen.

So Im just all screwed up. Why in the world would a bf of 7 yrs try with some other guy and not with me. Why does he want that everything that comes with a relationship except for calling it a relationship.

So confused.

[Ultra]

Dude, hang in there. I guess it's better than nothing. You should still be just at least friends with him. This is what I fear... I found out from a source that my ex may be involved with someone new. However, I contacted the mother and warned her that this guy may not be all what my ex thinks. She advised him to get away from this other guy, though I know my ex is defiant at times and may still be with this guy. I don't even know the details really... my ex may have trolled me and try to get me going by saying he's with another guy (we had a long distance/online relationship and he's apparently having another long distance/online relationship with another guy that he barely knows).

If he feels guilty about what he did to ya... I say don't start up another relationship. See in my case, we never did anything major enough where either of us would feel guilty. It's pretty much just mental stuff and that's that. In your situation, I would advise you to take this nice and easy. Go with the flow and see what happens. Your best bet is just to be friends with this guy and then maybe, maybe in the long-run you two may get back together in a relationship. I have no idea, only time will. Relationships can be very difficult and rough. He may want to be with this other dude to see how things go. Perhaps, your ex won't get along with this other guy and maybe your ex may forgive himself about the way he treated you. You never know and hopefully that will happen.

For now, just let him go with his motions and don't do anything too drastic. I feel for ya... my relationship lasted 2 years and 2 months (almost exactly, it's so scary)... it feels like I was with him the same amount time you were with yours. Yours was offline and that's pretty good. See I don't know know how it feels to be in a true offline relationship is, so really don't take advice all to seriously. I know someone else will reply to this and they'll give you much more helpful advice. Good luck with this and I hope you work things out.

[sephirothtx]

here's my experience with the unfaithful (it seems as a submissive nerd i attract sex addicts >.> maybe its the hair?)
Boston, i don't ever wanna force an opinion on somebody, and our situations may be totally different, your situation sounds allot like my ex before last (HS sweetheart)

You see we had gotten together, and staid together for about two years, at the time it was the longest relationship i ever had, but things started happening. I got wind of her cheating on me from her friends (i ignored most of this because, i dunno, when im in love the brain stops working?) anyway she did finally admit to me about one time she cheated on me (during her birthday nonetheless) and i did the whole work it out thing, and i hung on to her as hard as i could, but at the same time she just cheated over and over again.
IN the end she let me go much like your BF did, saying it wouldn't be right for us to be together, and getting in with somone else.
2 years later i tried to fall back in with her but it wasn't right because i was the one she was cheating on somone else with, so in the end i felt it was best i broke it off, but i let her choose (Between me and her current bf) she chose the other, and i guess i left it at that.
I wanted to keep it in friends with her but she fell in with a bad crowd (she married some "Criminal" who, and i quote "crime was so bad he cannot own a house or rent an apartment" 0.0 i dunno if that was just bs since pedos and murderers own houses and apartments legally, or if he was like on the lamb.) and i haven't seen or heard from her since.

anyway it may be best, just from my experience, to let him go, if you can stay friends it'd probably be great, and if he turns around compellingly sincerely apologetic about what he did and wanting to work it out, why not give it a try, but if not just let him go and be as good a friend as you can be.

[East]

I apologize ahead of time if I am crossing any boundaries...giving advice on the Internet is really strange for me because I cannot gauge how much I can be direct and truthful which is my normal approach without crossing boundaries...in person I can sense body language and pull back...so for what it is worth....

For what you said before I think he is an alcoholic and that is a separate beast and a disease and what you have said prior to this indicates behavior typical of the disease. If you want to understand his behavior and actions you can check out a gay al anon meeting (or a straight one for that matter) and it will be clearer...his behavior is indicative of an alcoholic. Insight and understanding can help you come to terms with what you are dealing with a help you make clearer decisions about your future with or without him.

I would be happy to elaborate but as I said this is a sensitive topic and I truly have no desire to cross any boundaries.

[bostongoodtimes]

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah, its weird. When we talked yesterday he got a little jealous when I mentioned I was seeing two guys, like, talking two. Nothing serious, but meeting other guys. And he started asking if they were sleeping over etc etc. When I told him I was afraid that I would fall in love with them and that he would come back, he said he just didnt want to be in a relationship with me again because of the mess that went on. Because of the cheating. Because he feels like a jerk and he wants to be a better man. He said he hopes that if one day he does come back, that I will be man enough to deny him. He tells me how hes no good for me and that hes trying to be the bigger man this time around.

But then when I tell him that we cant be friends, he refuses to take it as an option. He texted me last night and was like "hey black swan was a good movie. Can you please continue to be a great friend?"

Its like he doesnt want me gone, he doesnt want all the things that came with the relationship to be gone...but he doesnt want to be in a relationship.

And it sucks because like I said, we went through this once before 3 years ago and he did end up coming back and saying he made a mistake and he was just going through a "fucked up" time.

He does drink a lot. And when he drinks he can become very belligerent. Hes been abusive to girls in the past, when drinking. He drinks and drives. Not all the time, but he does. Im not sure about how alcoholics act.

So I responded to the text he wrote me last night about being my friend and said "You dont get it man. Maybe some day you will. Cheating on me does have consequences. Losing me and my family. Inside jokes, midnight movies, restaurants, new hampshire, and unconditional love. All gone because you cant change for me. Your choice man. Its too bad you may not realize it until its too late."

What more can I say.

[TimeBandit]

What your ex is saying makes no sense to me, no offense but he sounds like someone you are better off without.

"He says he wants to start fresh with this guy from Florida and try to be a better man than he was to me."

So, he thinks it will make him a better man to try to "start fresh" with someone he cheated with? In my books, what would make him a better man is if he apologized to the one he hurt (you) and tried to make amends (by not cheating again)... but this would hinge on him wanting to be with you.

Obviously he really likes you as a friend but he doesn't want to be in a committed monogamous relationship with you. I don't know why he is using this bullshit excuse about wanting to be a better man.

To me, the choice is yours: Is he worth the heartache that it will definitely cause you if you try to be "just friends"? I know from experience that it can take YEARS to let go of the desire to be with someone you still love, when you are constantly having to relive old emotions every time you see him or hang out.

He may very well be a good person in spite of his inability to remain faithful. I don't believe anybody is all bad. But will it be a positive thing for you to remain friends with you? I personally think you should kick him out of your life completely until you can let go. But this is based on my own experience and difficulty letting go, so you need to make the right choice for you.

(For the record, I would be angry too, and hurt.)