Outting my bf, or soon-to-be ex-bf

[Anonymous]

Long story, trying my best to be clear and direct.

One-line summary: I have the urge to out my bf (or soon-to-be ex-bf) to his female friend thru Facebook

I've been in a relationship with bf for 2.5 years. He's not out at all. He came out in 2009 to his close female friend. But that didn't go over so well. I, myself, am out at work and friends, but not family. I am very comfortable with who I am, though I feel that it is a baggage for me to be not completely out and still living with family. Maybe that's why our relationship has been working for such length of time.

Our relationship has been going downhill since last summer. That is the summer when he met a new female friend. At first, I had no problem whatsoever with this. I was actually happy for my bf to be making new friends that he is comfortable to hang out with. I always wanted him to develop a strong support system so he could come out. But this is not going the way I wish it had been.

I started getting jealous of all the stuff they have been doing. It feels like, to me, that they go on dates when they go see a movie or have dinner. The girl professed her feelings to my bf once quite a while back. He didn't say much to reject her because he was afraid to lose a friend. But details here and there that I've gathered give me a gut feeling that she still has feelings for my bf now. The bigger problem is that my bf feels it doesn't matter, or worse, he likes that a girl is liking him because it makes him feel 'normal'.

We have gone over and over so many times about how the whole situation is making me feel. But he is not doing anything to try to deter her feelings. I have a really big problem with him now building a life outside of our bubble and I am not a part of it. I feel isolated. I feel we're more and more emotionally distant. I fear that he will succumb to his internalized homophobia and leave me for her. I feel that all the insecurities and maybe irrational things I've said to my bf have damaged the image of my bf towards me.

I have sneaked a peek into their text messages. There are flirts here and there, nothing major. It's something like he calls her hey gorgeous or princess, or she tells him about the burleque dance class she's been taking...

Though, help me decipher one of their conversations...: so in her burleque class, she needs to imagine a guy she wants to dance the dance to. My bf asked her who was she imagining, she answered "not sharing, but too bad she cannot imagine adam" (whom i suspect is Adam Lambert because they both don't have friends named adam, according to their Facebook, and she loves Adam Lambert). This feels to be somewhat sexual/playful. But is she giving hints about knowing my bf is gay with the adam comment, given that adam does refer to adam lambert?

Anyway. Back to my story. My bf and my relationship has been in a 'bubble'. He only met my friends once, and I've only met TWO of his friends. One of which is this girl, because I ran into them once at my bf's place, and she ran into me once near my workplace. My bf cannot add me on Facebook because he doesn't want people to think anything. But you know how easy it is to find someone...

So my point of this posting is to get advice and ideas from you guys.

1) I want to send this girl a message...maybe I could make friends with her on Facebook. But how could I approach this without getting any negative feedback from my bf?
2) A little extreme, I want to let this girl know that my bf "is treating her like his sister". Again, I don't know how to do that.
3) Her best friend is a mutual friend of one of my best friends. And I've actually met her too. She was with the girl in question when they ran into me near my workplace. Should I go this route of messaging her since we have mutual friends?
4) The most extreme: completely outing my bf to this girl in question. How should I approach that in my message?

I know for the fact that I still care and love my bf so much that I won't do this. But please humour me, what would one do/say if I were to really do it? How about if our relationship does end on bad note and I want some sort of revenge to help me move forward (trust me, I'm a very vengeful person in secret), what kind of consequence would I get?

Anyone with similar experience? Anyone with similar thought of action but never acted on it? Anyone in my bf's shoe and want to give me a feedback?

Tony

[marshlander]

There are very few circumstances under which I would condone outing someone and I have had the curious and sometimes painful situation of meeting people professionally, whom I have previously met "privately".

Whatever feelings you have for your boyfriend you do not own him and you certainly do not own his feelings. A relationship is between two people, not owned by either. His responsibility as far as the relationship goes is to nurture it as you would. If his actions are jeopardising your relationship you both have to deal with it. You, however, only have control over your own response. If you choose to intervene in his life outside your "bubble" (and that for me is an uncomfortable concept) you risk treading on territory uninvited. It can only make things worse.

By all means try to engage him in discussion so you can talk about how you feel, but going behind his back in the kind of intervention you propose sounds plain nasty.

[invis85]

I completely understand that this whole thing is a nasty concept. And I often tell myself how much I hated having such negative thoughts. But if things don't work out and I end up being hurt, I don't think I am responsible for his feelings anymore. Yes, revenge is nasty. And I am not even going to try to defend that. "You gotta do what you gotta do to get ahead of others." That's actually my bf's words.

Honestly, I have been protecting my bf intuitively. The two times I met this girl, I automatically acted as straight as possible. Not that I have the word GAY on my forehead...but people don't need to spend a year to figure out I'm gay. I work at a hotel, EVERYONE knows without me telling them. So I wish the girl can sense that I'm gay...then maybe she knows how to connect the dot.

I'm sure everyone has evil thoughts now and then. But acting on it or not is a different story. Pain and doubts can make someone irrational. I wish I'm better than that. I guess this forum is a great way for me to express all these evil thoughts without consequences from friends and bf! Always great to have listeners and feedbacks.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Well, why don't you try get him to come out to her? Help him, be there with him... :? Or you've tried? Whatever you, don't push it too hard, okay...if he's got something to tell you, he probably will... :/