Please help me overcome

[JRom]

This may be a bit of a long post and I apologize in advance.

This is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so terrible and humiliated. There's no one that I know personally that I feel comfortable talking about this to, so that's why I'm doing it here, with people I don't know.

About a month ago I met a man. There was mutual sparks ( so I came to find out), but I kept my end of it under wraps. I'm very much in the closet ( and considered myself a top). We would just talk and eventually it got a bit more flirty. Finally he confided in me that he was gay. I didn't really say anything other than that it didn't bother me. He said he liked my way of carrying myself. To him I was strong and solid and a "man's man." Well about a week ago he invited me over his house for a New Years drink. I knew in my heart that I was going to let him know just how attracted I was to him. So when I arrived, I sat on his couch while he made us a drink. Unknown to me, he somehow knew that I wanted him. He came back into the living room and`sat next to me. Within a moment we started kissing. Now I'm going to cut out the details. Suffice to say he walked me into his bedroom. The lights were off. here is where my life has seemed to change. I am a strong man. Always have been. but what happened next has literally wrecked me.

We laid on his bed. He took my clothes off and began to massage me. I rolled on my stomach while he used lotion to rub my back. In a little while he decided to go for me. I did not know what he was up to. He proceeded to enter me. The embarrassing thing was that it happened so fast and I was helpless. he was so big that the pain just shot right through me. I couldn't move to fight him off. I screamed and then began to cry like a little baby. I haven't cried over anything in years. he was hurting me so much that I was actually wailing. The more I cried, the more he got turned on. He kept pushing my face into the pillow to muffle me. The only good thing i guess was that he was so turned on, he came fairly fast. But even after he pulled out i just laid in his bed and kept crying for about 5-10 minutes.

During that time, he went to the bathroom and cleaned up. When he came back to the bedroom he was like a different person than the guy I knew for the previous month. He started calling me his bitch and calling my butt a pussy and things like that. I was so messed up in the head that the more he spoke, the more I cried. I have never been so humiliated in my life. When I saw his cock in the light, I actually felt ashamed of my body. The last thing he did to me was put it in my mouth. To be honest, I didn't even try to stop him by that point. I felt so totally broken.

I just was always the tough guy. I am still just a mess over this. I never thought I could be dominated in a sense. My dilemma isn't him. I never want to see or speak to him again. My dilemma is my psyche. I feel like a "sissy." has anyone ever had these types of crushing feelings? I'm lost.

Thanks

[fredv3b]

I'm sorry that I don't have anything useful to say other than that should not happen to anyone and you really have my sympathies.

[licious]

Sorry to hear about your experiance.

This actually happens quite often. It will effect you especially in the company of another male. You will experiance high anxiety and have major trust issues. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to start one step at a time.

You already want to overcome this and asked for help. What are your thoughts and feelings about this at the moment ?

[XRIMO]

The guy you were with sounds very manipulative. Don't think it was anything wrong with you. If it was painful, he should have stopped immediately. The rectum is very sensitive and easily damaged, and as a gay man he should know that. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not a sissy, it was painful regardless of how manly you are.

I have a couple questions though, was this your first time with a man? and did the guy use any lube or a condom?

[fenris]

I think you should only take this as a bad lesson ... don´t let it hurt your soul. Maybe you did some things wrong ... but now it happened... and you should go on.

Like XRIMO said ... if this guy has not used a condom ... go to your doctor and let test you.

And in the future.... don´t try things like ONS and so on. Watch out for a guy who really wants you and is honest.... a small village and so on is not a excuse.... I met my men when i lived in a small 350 people village ....

[JRom]

You already want to overcome this and asked for help. What are your thoughts and feelings about this at the moment ?

Thanks for writing. My thoughts are more like shame for breaking down so hard. It's very difficult to accept. I feel feminized.

[JRom]

I have a couple questions though, was this your first time with a man? and did the guy use any lube or a condom?

It was not my first time with a man, but it was my first time receiving in my butt. I've never even had a dildo in me. He did use lube and a condom however. But I cannot tell you how much lube he used because it was dark and I was laying face down. He just seemed so happy to feel like he took my manhood. Seriously, after he did me he completely kept referring to me as a woman. As of right now, I feel so weak and emasculated.

[BenjaminTSXCI]

Thanks for writing. My thoughts are more like shame for breaking down so hard. It's very difficult to accept. I feel feminized.

I understand that it's hard for you to accept. It's really sad that he would dig right in like that, you weren't expecting it. I mean, no foreplay? Jeez, what a pig. You shouldn't feel ashamed about this or "out manned" in anyway. Just cause you say you're a top doesn't mean that you're going to be a top forever. I'm positive it was going to happen eventually. Think of it like this... You made him cum fast, right? . You have what makes him happy (your ass). Looks like you have him on a leash to me .

[JRom]

I understand that it's hard for you to accept. It's really sad that he would dig right in like that, you weren't expecting it. I mean, no foreplay? Jeez, what a pig. You shouldn't feel ashamed about this or "out manned" in anyway. Just cause you say you're a top doesn't mean that you're going to be a top forever. I'm positive it was going to happen eventually. Think of it like this... You made him cum fast, right? . You have what makes him happy (your ass). Looks like you have him on a leash to me .

Thanks Benjamin. The funny thing is, I would have given myself to him completely that night anyway. When I was laying face down I wanted him inside of me. But I just didn't expect his size and how rough he'd be to me. As far as the leash thing, he made me his bitch for a night and we're through now. What I found out turned him on was that he was able to break my tough guy facade. It was a one night stand as far as he's concerned. As for me, there is no way on earth I'd ever want to be with him again, or any man that was that large. I need to reevaluate myself.

[marshlander]

Sorry, but this was rape! You have been violated in the most disgraceful manner and have every right to be questioning everything about this encounter. Yes, maybe with hindsight you could have played it differently, but hindsight is great teacher. His attitude towards you afterward shows him also to have other serious issues relating to decent behaviour.

Unless you feel you want the intervention of a counsellor (or even the police) you are basically on your own. You did not ask for this, you are not a sissy and the whole horrible experience is not going to go away quickly. You have been on the receiving end of a shocking experience and I'm sure the mind and body is bound to respond very strongly to such a trauma. By all means let it inform your decisions in future, but don't let it take away your future. One day at a time, JRom. I hope you can learn to like yourself again soon.