Please help me overcome

[JRom]

Sorry, but this was rape! You have been violated in the most disgraceful manner and have every right to be questioning everything about this encounter. Yes, maybe with hindsight you could have played it differently, but hindsight is great teacher. His attitude towards you afterward shows him also to have other serious issues relating to decent behaviour.

Unless you feel you want the intervention of a counsellor (or even the police) you are basically on your own. You did not ask for this, you are not a sissy and the whole horrible experience is not going to go away quickly. You have been on the receiving end of a shocking experience and I'm sure the mind and body is bound to respond very strongly to such a trauma. By all means let it inform your decisions in future, but don't let it take away your future. One day at a time, JRom. I hope you can learn to like yourself again soon.

Thanks for your kind words of support Marshlander. You wrote something that has been going through my mind a lot this past week....rape. I wasn't sure about it being rape because initially I was willing. But after my pleading for him to stop, I guess that would make it rape. When he put his cock in my mouth at the end really was like the icing on the cake too.

I honestly never would have thought of him to do something like that to anyone. While I didn't know him very long, I thought I had a handle on his personality. I was wrong.

Physically I'm finally feeling better. It hurt me to go to the bathroom for 3 days afterward. But now that is fine. I just need to heal emotionally.

[marshlander]

...I just need to heal emotionally.

There are some lovely guys in the world. I hope one of them manages to find you and show you what a loving relationship is like.

[JRom]

I suppose you're right. But the next bridge I'll have to cross will be sexual. I'm afraid right now.

[dasbas]

If someone were to enter me without my permission I would and could literally kill them, it being a hard thing for you to defend yourself can be changed, do what i did at 14 the first time I got beat up,i started krav maga 6 years in training. in the position you were you could have done any damage needed or easily killed with intelligent defense. just an option and opinion. also you could send this dirtbag to jail because that horror story sounds like rape to me.

[JRom]

If someone were to enter me without my permission I would and could literally kill them, it being a hard thing for you to defend yourself can be changed, do what i did at 14 the first time I got beat up,i started krav maga 6 years in training. in the position you were you could have done any damage needed or easily killed with intelligent defense. just an option and opinion. also you could send this dirtbag to jail because that horror story sounds like rape to me.

Funny you mention that. I did study Krav for several years. But without exaggerating, when he entered me, the pain was so unbearable, I was literally paralyzed. I couldn't do anything at all. I can't explain it, other than it was truly unbelievable. That's why I started crying immediately. I was in hysterics. If I met him now, I could crush him no doubt. It's hard now for me to accept that it seems I was raped. I feel even more like a woman right now. This isn't good.

[Marvinteck]

I am so sorry to hear about your encounter. Male on male rape is allot more common then you think. Just like in your case the victim usually is to ashamed of what happened so the crime goes unreported. The victim doesnt want to be viewed as a sissy or being weak. I encourage you to do some research on male on male rape. I think it will help you heal emotionally. You are no less of a man because of what happened. It took courage for you to come to this site and share what happened to you. Good luck.

here are some links for you to check out:

Myths about male rape

Male Rape

Information for adult male survivors

[posterpicture]

I don't feel like we should use the term "rape" in here. Some people are just not good at being gentle, also many people love rough sex. Having a bad night like this is expect-able for one night stand experience. I think the OP should also see that part of the problem is within himself. I feel like the OP really has trouble with valuing woman or femininity. There is nothing wrong with being dominated even for the most masculine man. Also, getting fucked in your ass does not make you less manly. For example, I am having a romance with a person who is a totally top. However, I am a versatile which mean sometimes I would love to go inside him. He is really bad at taking the anal pain and does not enjoy to do it so much. However, sometimes he still goes through all of that pains and let me go inside him simply because he loves me and wants to satisfy me. Everytime he does that, I feel like he is a real man who can forget about himself to make his lover happier. That make him more manly than ever.

[Darius]

simple truth: Whether it is technically rape or not, to have the choice taken away of what you would and would not wish to engage in, or how you would engage in it, feels the same no matter what you call it, and that feeling is horrible. It has little to nothing to do with masculinity, and a great deal to do with the fact that when the body is abused, we can often feel vulnerabilities about ourselves that we would normally not allow ourselves to feel.

The guy who did that to you is a cruel prick, and he'll get what he deserves. The important thing is to take your time recovering from this, and believe me, there's no telling how easy or hard it will be until you begin. Trust me on this one, I've been where you are, and while what he did will never be okay, it does get easier the more you work through the emotions that this has brought up.

On that note, you might want to start with what you view as 'masculinity," being 'gay', and being a 'top'. We often attach so much meaning to these words automatically based on presupposed notions that it can be jarring when their meaning or our standing in relation to those terms is called into question. While exploring this, take your time. What you've been through would put anyone through the ringer, and it's best to keep yourself moving forward steadily. Don't stop and set this off to the side and ignore it, or these issues will just rear up later in life, but don't rush through them either. You have a lot of opportunity to learn about yourself here. (I hope you'll forgive my slightly optimistic tone, but what I just recommended to you is what got me through my ordeal, and I think it may help you through yours.)

Above all else, only you can decide what this turn of events in your life means. Never accept anyone else's definition of yourself, even if it's a good one. It's better to define who you are from within, so you can work out all the details and be sure of each step of the process.

[dasbas]

just don't let this ruin you, do what you have to do and life goes on...