A lot of girls have said I have sex appeal but, and this is the awkward part, I am scared of sex. I am still a 'virgin' as a lesbian so-to-speak because I came out in November last year, and before that I had been with a boy for almost a year. I have only had sex once in my entire life (saving myself for someone special) and I thought he was the one to lose my virginity with.
But it really hurt and I couldn't stop crying. But he didn't stop even when I asked him. I know he enjoyed it but I have refused to have sex with anyone since then. I like lying in bed with a girl and kissing and touching, but then when it comes to the ultimate moment, when she asks to go further with me, I go incredibly tense and can't relax. I believe I have come to associate sex with pain and feeling intensely uncomfortable.
I know I am lesbian, I know I would like to go further with the right girl and I want to lose my virginity with someone really special, but I have very little hope I will lose it because of my fear of sex.
How should I tackle this problem. Need your advice please. :frown:
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Foxy, is this all about letting go? Is it all about the pain of sex with a boy? I hope you'd know that Lesbian sex wouldn't have to involve penetrative sex, since, to be blunt, the equipment is missing... so what could happen to hurt you other than getting some kissing and hugging and caressing and an oral job? I suspect any girl who'd want to have sex with you and go further would be talking about the latter. It would take that special girl to let you let her do that to you.. but maybe you could be the first giver, then maybe you'll find it easier to let someone do it to you? I think a feminine orgasm is very intense, but since the brain does most of the work, you'd have to be into it. Don't worry, nothing bad is going to happen if you let another person touch you down there. You might also explain to your girlfriend that you've had the one time sex with a boy and that it hurt so you are apprehensive... That ought to help in establishing a rapport that could be harmonious.
Good luck with that first time.
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Hi Foxy,
In the first place it was not in any way appropriate that your ex boyfriend did not stop when you asked him to. The first time for a woman is frequently painful and he should have a) realized this in the first place, b) reacted to the fact that you were crying, and c) respected you when you asked him to stop.
It is only normal that this experience has made you afraid to have sex. The experience was also bound to cause you deeper psychological anguish. Even if you are a lesbian, you were with this guy for a significant amount of time and I'm sure that you developed a strong emotional bond with him. He not only violated you physically, but he also broke your trust and your confidence in someone that were close to you.
This is not just an issue of being afraid of sex, but it is also one of learning to trust someone you are intimate with again. Try to remember that not everyone will take advantage of you the way that your ex did. It takes time to rebuild this kind of trust when you have gone through what you have. Talk to your new partner about what happened. I am sure that you will find someone who will be understanding of your fears and willing to reassure you that she will not take advantage of you the way that your ex did if your are feeling physical or emotional discomfort during penetration. Take it slowly until you can tolerate and ultimately enjoy the act.
Good luck!
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Nothing wrong with kissing and touching. Enjoy that as much as you can. When the time comes you will find a person you want to give yourself to. Don't rush and don't be rushed. It's your body. I am very sorry to hear your first time was with a selfish pig ... whatever his other redeeming qualities may have been.
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Sex is the most amazing and/ or traumatic thing a person can experience. Even as someone that has had sex regularly, if it happens when it is not supposed to it has been bad for myself and those involved. As some one that lives in the US, I can say we are not prepared culturally for the reality of sex. The only thing anyone can do, homo or hetero is listen to your mind and body and most the right decision for yourself. I do not know what they teach in the UK... But, the other person will make you comfortable enough to not be afraid. You also have to love yourself enough to get to that point. That means dealing with what happened with that guy. He was in the wrong. Not you. Just because he did not listen does not mean the next person will not. But you have to make yourself heard. You may want to talk to someone professional about it.
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Just be careful, make sure that if you are emotionally attached, that your girl is too. THis misscommunication happens a lot in any involvement, straight or gay or lesbian. One of the partners just wants sex but is very nice, the other one interprets it as more than that and then gets hurt and/or mad! Plain, blunt talk before can prevent help this.
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Dear Foxy,
First of all, I'm sorry that you went through that. Dude was a jerk, and he violated you, pure and simple.
Sex is something that is complex. There are emotions, assumptions, beliefs, et cetera that run through our minds and bodies while performing the act. A lot of these are unconscious, flowing just below awareness.
This may sound very odd, but try to masturbate. Get in touch with how you feel when you orgasm. Fantasize. Light some incense and candles, put on some soft music that relaxes you, and get intimate with yourself. Allow yourself at least an hour to just explore your body.
The reason I say this is because a similar experience happened to me, and it took almost three years to deal with it (still working on it, but it gets easier). When we are violated like what you went through, it fractures a part of who we are. For me, it made me forget how much fun sex can be, how playful it is.
Maybe that's what would help you, to discover the playful side of sex.
I think you're right in wanting to save yourself for someone special, too. I know that what happened to me has made me really examine men who interest me. I refuse to have sex unless I feel safe with the person now. That security is important, and you have the right to feel secure with your partner.
Hope that things get better for you, and remember... Relax. Have fun. Let go of worry, and just be yourself. That special person will respect you and your wishes.
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I am sorry to read about your experience...I do think you need to get some professional help in order to overcome that experience ...just like any wound it must be healed. Your fear seems to be a direct result from the rape (and it IS rape) and you will need to deal with that in order to overcome your understandable fear. I wish you luck.
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Frightened of Sex
