I can't split up with my boyfriend

[needtobefree]

Hi everyone,

I joined this forum because I really want to vent, as I don't really know who to turn to... Basically, I want to break up with my boyfriend of over 3 years because I'm just not in love with him anymore. It makes me sad because I do still care for him alot, and he's still deeply in love with me. There's a 17 year age gap between us, and he frightened that I'm his last shot of having happiness in his life

I've tried to end it with him about 10 times already, but have backed out out of guilt, because it makes me hurrendously upset when we have 'those' talks and he just doesn't understand how I one can fall out of love. He was the first and only guy I slept with and I was even with him for almost 2 years, before I plucked up the courage to come out of closet (everyone took it amazingly). The thing is, after a couple of months of plucking up the courage, I first tried breaking up with him almost 6 months ago. He was distraught, crying and an absolute mess, I was crying and hated every moment of it, after a couple of times of me backing down, we did for about 2 months, and I moved away, where I was free. He even flew up to where I was several time to try and win me back. Whilst I was away, I had a couple of meaningless flings. Unfortunately, one of the meaningless flings ended up being someone I hung out with quite a bit, and very quickly fell head-over-heels in love with.

My partner, caught wind of this and started bombarding me with messages and phone calls all the the time, which were either completely hateful and spiteful, or pleading. Because he still made several trips up to see me, and I didn't have the heart to tell him just to leave me alone; the guy I developed feeling for, didn't want to get involved and although he did like me alot, he backed off. This absolutely shattered me, there's nothing worse than unrequited love, but I guess it was kharma, kicking me square in the balls...

My partner then broke the news to me that he was ill, and that he was in pieces. I felt horrible and ended moving back in with him. Thankfully, there turned out to be nothing wrong with him, but I decided to give it another shot, because I thought I could fall in love with him again. After I moved back in, we argued constantly, with him now massively (maybe undestandably) jealous of whoever I spoke to. I haven't slept with anyone else since I've been back, but I don't think he believes me. However, I miss the other guy like crazy... On top of that, numerous things have just got to me; some of his friends disliking me for dumping him, me not being in the career I want to, and being in a relationship I want out of. It feel like I've completely lost control of my life. As a result, I went into a deep depression.

I'm on anti-depressents now, but I'm too scared to tell my family, because I don't want to worry them or for them to put any blame on my partner. I have been lousey with getting work, and in turn it has caused my partner to help me out, considerably, financially as I'm not qualified (I'm not a full resident, yet) for dole money (not that I'd let it get to that way anyway). Because of this, it makes me all the more guilty for still wanting to leave him, because I owe him money. My partner (also understandably) wants me to end all contact with this other guy, forever, which I can't bring myself to do. He still contacts me now and again, but he's made it clear that he won't wait for me if the right person comes along.

Since I moved back, we've been close to splitting several times and I'm just over it, I just feel so guilty to let him go. I don't even feel sexually attracted to him anymore, I love him but only as a friend, I love his mum who has been so nice to me, but, unfortunately, I'm starting to feel strong feelings of resentment towards him, because aside from having feelings for someone else, I miss being single and doing stuff for myself. I've spoken to him about the possibility of seeing a pyschologist to help deal with my problems, but also said that my happiness in the relationship would, most likely, come to ahead, sooner or later. He believed that it was unfair that I was blaming my problems on him, and that I haven't tried hard enough to make the relationship work.

Sorry to go on, but this is really making me feel down and I feel worse off than before I came out to my family, like I'm living a double life again. I just don't now who to turn to...

Has anyone been through something slightly similar? Any advice? Obviously, only I can make the final decision but some friendly advice wouldn't go a miss.

Thanks! mile:

[jamiebfd]

Tell your significant other that you have to
talk. He will immediately sense what you are
driving at, whether or not he wants to admit it
to himself. The longer you wait to do this, the
harder it will be.
make the environment as comfortable as
possible without adding romance to the
equation.
Allow his emotions to pour out. Some men
can't stand to show vulnerability, and may get
angry, storm off and/or accuse you of being a
philanderer.
Let him go. Don't call. If he calls you, you
should naturally talk to him--especially the first
one or two times. If you have stuff at his
apartment/house, you'll have to arrange to pick it up.
(You get extra points if you remembered to
retrieve some of that stuff before making this
admission.) Don't drag it out. "I no longer love
you" means you are no longer invested in the
relationship.

remember who number 1 is... YOU
your happiness is the most important thing to yourself. Your partner thinks its his last chance which is never true. the longer you keep this under the table, the less time you are giving him to find someone who will want him.

you say you feel guilty... what about you? will you feel guilty ten years from now when you didnt live your life to the full.

You know yourself how it feels not to have the one you love. people get over it and move on.
yes its hard but thats life.

Think of yourself and think how bad it will get if you keep doing it just for his happines. you are already depressed, how far will you let it run on?

i wish you luck and pray you find strength to tell him.

[fenris]

I´m not a friend of split ups .. because my opinion is, people split up to fast... but if you really think it is better for you... you should talk to him and tell him, what you are thinking and what you want to do.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

No matter what you do, you will be unhappy unless you brake up with him and try and ignore what he does. He will inevitably blame you for everything after you break up and he will try to get you back in every way he can. But...don't give in, okay? It won't be good for you. Not this time. He will move on. But this kind of people...they just eat at you alowly.

I've been in a similar situation. The guy keeps blaming me about everything. But he's really not as sad or hurt as he tries to appear. You just gotta keep your head high and go on. When his feelings settle down...maybe you can be friiends. Don't ever close that door. :]]

Just be strong. And try not to feel guilty. You've thought about him way too much. :]

Good luck!

[East]

You have been emotionally blackmailed my friend...it is quite serious business and you have suffered the effects of this and paid a huge price.

I am not sure if my advice will be of any use so I will not elaborate but if you care to consider emotional blackmail you can understand it better by googling it if you are so inclined. Good Luck!

[cry0s]

Even though it's obvious, neither one of you are happy right now. He feels as though his trust has been compromised even though you didn't do anything wrong. His attachment tends to grow the more you pull away, right?

It's not easy but you shouldn't stay one with someone based on guilt. Relationships, especially these long term relationships are about love, commitment, trust, and building a life together. They shouldn't be about guilt, frustration, and forcing something to work. I know that you wish it would be like it was when it first started but the two of you simply grew apart. His constant paranoia coupled with his own insecurity is a big part of what drove you away.

You need to stop blaming yourself. The blame really shouldn't be placed anywhere because right now the more he tries and acts like someone other than what he used to be, the more you are going to blame yourself and grow even further apart.

You deserve your own life as well and there are steps that you need to take to ensure your own happiness. The first step on this new journey is to be straight forward and make sure that he knows that this relationship does not work. I understand that his emotional intensity is difficult to deal with but, unfortunately, if you don't remove yourself from this situation and start living yourself, you aren't ever going to be happy either. You can't allow his own self-blame to keep you in a situation where it just doesn't feel right anymore. The 'sickness' should have given that away as it was a final plea to rebuild something that was somewhat long gone.

I know that breakups after long relationships have to be painfully difficult but honestly it comes down to you doing what's right for you. Everyone deserves to be happy right? Neither one of you are right now.

[princealbertofb]

This is hard one but it looks as if none of you stands a chance of anything worthwhile coming out of the relationship if this goes on. The less happy you are, the more intolerable you'll find the situation to be, and the more you'll resent him for putting that kind of pressure on you. The question is: can you move away and be financially your own man? You'd have to be able to stand on your own two feet before making that kind of move. Can you afford to leave him?

[The Virgin]

i don't believe you when you said "you just don't love him anymore". the truth is, you never loved him in the first place. cause love never fades, it is long lasting. the best way to tell him is that you were never in love with him and that the affection you shared with him was just a facade and you yourself have not known it til now. it's better you tell him that way than saying the love you felt was gone cause that's just not a good reason at all.

[princealbertofb]

I'm not sure Virgin's got this quite right... Emotions do change over time, and I'm guessing what felt like love and attraction at the beginning, has changed into a different sentiment. This can happen in other areas of life, when, for example someone you hoped would be a good friend turns out to be an enemy or an arch rotter... Well, it happens to the best of us. It's something about wanting the same thing(s) at the same time out of a relationship.
I also think, precisely, it's because at one point you felt these deep feelings for someone, that you find it hard to adapt to different circumstances and are not ready to let go easily. To say that the love was never there from the beginning sounds like a travesty of what the truth probably was. Feelings change, like our bodies, our aspirations and our psyche.

[piefolk]

Love can fade over time. Emotions change. That's not to say that in SOME relationships, you can still find a way to re-discover your passion, love and respect.

However, this does not seem to be the case here.

Ask yourself. Does this make me happy? Is someone's happiness more important than mine? Am I going to live my life for someone else, and if so, will it be someone who I admittedly don't love any more?

If you can answer those questions, your course of action will be obvious.

Being the 'bad guy' in a break up is even harder than getting broken up with, in some cases. My heart goes out to you.