Anonymous Wrote:You have to consider the fact that I have known him a full year before moving in with him. I heard a lot of evidence, and have seen so much just by talking with him, that he was in a very bad / abusive relationship. And yes, the back surgery is very true, considering that I talked to him while he was in the hospital, and have seen the scar myself. As for the financials, we combined our bills together, and pay what we can between our two checks. He even paid for a hotel room for me on my way to move in, among other things.
Yes, I was well aware you'd known him for a year. If I understand correctly, you haven't seen first-hand evidence of this abusive relationship, you have only heard about it. And I'm guessing the hotel room and anything else he may have helped you pay jointly for would have less than the money you've given him? In which case, it was effectively your own money that he was contributing. Back surgery or no back surgery, the contradictions in what he says and what he does still concern me.
I can see that you trust this guy implicitly and that you believe his story. Okay. But even if it's only out of purely academic interest, I would still advise you (and anyone else who's interested) to have a look at a website called Lovefraud (click on "How to Spot a Con" in the left-hand menu, then "The pity play" - I would post a link, only this forum doesn't let me), because I still have a strong hunch that this could be the kind of situation you're in - and believe me, people like that can be *brilliant* actors! Turning on the waterworks is no problem for them. Unfortunately, people rarely believe it until it's too late, and then it comes as a huge shock to them. Also bear in mind that not all of the "techniques" mentioned there may apply in every case - two of the main ones to look out for are the "pity play" and leaving the partner sexually frustrated, with just occasional crumbs of hope that things will get better at some point in the future, only they never do.
Good luck, whatever happens.
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narat Wrote:Yes, I was well aware you'd known him for a year. If I understand correctly, you haven't seen first-hand evidence of this abusive relationship, you have only heard about it. And I'm guessing the hotel room and anything else he may have helped you pay jointly for would have less than the money you've given him? In which case, it was effectively your own money that he was contributing. Back surgery or no back surgery, the contradictions in what he says and what he does still concern me.
I can see that you trust this guy implicitly and that you believe his story. Okay. But even if it's only out of purely academic interest, I would still advise you (and anyone else who's interested) to have a look at a website called Lovefraud (click on "How to Spot a Con" in the left-hand menu, then "The pity play" - I would post a link, only this forum doesn't let me), because I still have a strong hunch that this could be the kind of situation you're in - and believe me, people like that can be *brilliant* actors! Turning on the waterworks is no problem for them. Unfortunately, people rarely believe it until it's too late, and then it comes as a huge shock to them. Also bear in mind that not all of the "techniques" mentioned there may apply in every case - two of the main ones to look out for are the "pity play" and leaving the partner sexually frustrated, with just occasional crumbs of hope that things will get better at some point in the future, only they never do.
Good luck, whatever happens.
Quite honestly, I'm not out for an argument, nor am I trying to make excuses. But a lot can happen in a year. And yes, I have seen things first-hand. This guy stole a lot of his stuff. This guy had actually punched him where the incision was (causing it to open up, and subsequently get infected). I have seen the emotional trauma first hand, and talked him through it for a total of five hours. I saw him at his absolute worst, and could not bring myself to leave him be until I knew thoroughly that he was going to go to sleep, and wake up the next morning. He actually refused to tell me anything about what was going on because he knew I would fly off the handle and come down to get this guy locked up myself. I do not tolerate abuse in any form. As a matter of fact, if I do see this guy on our property, I won't have any problems calling the cops to get him hauled away.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to compare him to some site that gives these so-called 'symptoms' of someone with mental issues, users, or the like. You are actually treading on the line of being judgemental of my situation in his favor. I have never been in this situation before, and of everything that has happened between us in the past year (and a half now, actually), he is not a user. He gives so much of himself to a lot of people. He works as a nurse, and is very highly remarked in his field. What he gave to me was part of his home, and to be in his life. And while yes, I did give him quite a bit financially, he does so much for me to make sure that I remain here. He does not want me going anywhere, and he stressed that so much. He will gladly pull out his credit card and fill up the gas tank in my car when I need it. Our money is together, and we pay one anothers' bills.
I think at this point, we should agree to disagree about our interaction, really. Maybe I just have too much compassion for people that cared about me since day one, but there is so much more that he and I have talked about besides what I brought up here.
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Well, an update...
I have left him as of early July. We are still friends. We don't talk as much as I would like to, but I am fine with that. After the camping trip I mentioned, there was A TON of static involving another friend of his. I politely bowed out of the relationship and have moved on.
Right now, not seeing anyone. But at the same time, I'm not sure where that stands, really, since it seems like all I have been finding is nothing but false hopes.
Oh well...
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tell him outright what's bothering you. if he still doesn't give you the affection you want, then break up with him, that simple...
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its a very hard situation to be in...if you knew about this before you moved in together then you must care for him...but if it bothers you that much then theres nowt else to do but leave him
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