Expressing me.

[Tor]

Let me start by saying I am in no way depressed or suicidal in my current life situation.

Hello, I'm 17 and a closeted high school senior. And when I say the term closeted, I mean it's the term that most accurately reflects how I feel about my life. I'm writing this post because at this point in my life I feel more alone than ever and I'm reaching out to a community that could understand where I'm coming from.

I'm not really too sure where to start. I guess I'll go back to the beginning. I've had feelings for boys since the 7th grade. However, although I've had feelings for guys for over 5 years now, I've never accepted them. I always thought "it'll be fine, no one will ever have to know", but now that I'm finishing my high school career, I realize I don't want to continue my life this way.

Being in high school the pressure to get a girlfriend was overwhelming. I actually felt attracted to only 2 girls, but they never returned their feelings for me. I'm also not sure if I was truly attracted or if I felt like if I had to like anyone, those girls would have seemed like the logical choice.

Living in a rural town, I know virtually no gay people at ALL. It's a small school, but I only know of 5 kids that are out and I'm not friends with any of them. They all seem to be the stereotypical homosexual, the flamboyant kind. I myself do not represent this in anyway and I can and have been passing as a straight guy for as long as I need to.

The downside is that I had no one in my life to be my outlet. Sure, my parents love me and I know for a fact that they would never throw me out if they found out about my sexuality, but it's never been a topic that was discussed in our family. It's just something that we never talk about. I have tons of friends, but none of them are that close. I go out with them from time to time, but as soon as I leave and go home I know most of them stop thinking about me. I wouldn't trust any of them enough to come out to them.

The problem that caused me to start questioning myself again was my new found crush on this one guy. He's a defensive linemen on the football team and has to be one of the cutest guys in school. I try to talk to him without being awkward but in most of my classes I end up just staring at him. He's caught me in the act once but I don't think it was that obvious. I just can't get this guy off my mind, which causes me to ask more questions of myself. Will I ever get a guy like him to love me? Will I ever fall in love? Can I try to pass as straight for the rest of my life?

If the only thing I had to deal with in my life was my sexuality, I may be able to handle this. But it's not. In middle school I was made fun of so much that I had to transfer school disricts. I wasn't made fun of because anyone knew of my sexuality, but rather because of my weight. This caused me to suffer from a lack of self-esteem even though my weight is no longer an issue. I lost my grandmother who lived with me at the same time I was going through a rough period in high school, and I was rejected by one of the girls I pursued at the same time. I often felt that if I could manage to tell someone what was really on my mind because of my sexuality, that they will finally understand why I usually act the way I
do.

I'm sorry for making this post an autobiography, but I needed to get my thoughts and feelings together. I feel incredibly alone right now and I'm not sure if I'm ready to come out of the closet or even what that entails. I just couldn't handle everyone starting to perceive me differently. Being in a small school I know that everyone would find it out in a fast amount of time and that it would change my life too drastically. Now I find myself at a crossroad and I'm not sure what to do with myself. I would appreciate any tip, advice, or response that anyone of you have taken your time to make. I could use it so much right now.

Thank you.

[simon]

Hi and welcome.

a lot of questions there so forgive me if I miss a few out,it's a good first post but you may get a better responce to your questions if you post just one or two at a time.

as for coming out,no need to come out till you are ready,going from the closet to out is a big step,so why not first get used to it yourself then slowly start not trying to hide the real you, a bit at a time,hiding it is what can cause many of the feeling you have,sure you will get a boyfriend,might not be that football player but you never know,sports stars have started to come out,maybe try and make friends with some gay guys at school but only after you start feeling a little more that if someone should guess you are gay it wouldn't be such a big deal,you can always lie if they guess and you are still not ready to come out.

[Beaux]

Simon gave you a pretty good sumation there, I agree with him.
As far as if you will ever meet guys? lol Boy your gonna meet SO many AWESOME, wonderful, intelligent, sexy guys that your not gonna know what to do with all of them (well, you'll know what to DO lolz). The best advice I can give is not to push your self, your young yet and you have plenty of time.

[TyD]

Pretty much what they said. Just do things at a pace you're comfortable with. No need to rush things when it can be done a step at a time.

[jbrowder24]

Hey Tor... You're actually ahead of the game in admitting this to yourself. I myself am 31, which isn't that old, but when I was your age, I was at my parent's farm with no cable TV, no Internet, before very many shows had come out featuring any gay characters and what was often in movies was stereotypes. I thought, "I want to be like that guy," as I too had esteem issues.... without ever realizing that it was more, "I want to be with that guy." I had crushes on girls, but looking back, they were not very sexual. I was taught to treat women with respect and to wait until sex after marriage, it was easy to crush on a girl being smart, beautiful, funny, etc. when you take away the sexual element. Both in high school and college, I filled my time with clubs and other extracurriculars.

It wasn't until I stayed at college for the summer my sophomore year to take classes, when no clubs etc were going on, and I had cable and Internet for the first time to explore at hours on end. That also happened to be the season of Real World: New Orleans with Danny Roberts, and it was so great just to see a gay guy that wasn't a flaming stereotype. Between him and getting into the TV show Farscape with an actor I found really hot, Ben Browder (where my screenname comes from), I couldn't deny my attraction anymore... but boy did I fight it. I'd always been okay with gay people and never thought any would go to hell... but suddenly I was questioning if I was going to hell. It took a while too for me to feel like, "okay, I can love a guy", as opposed to it being some desire to fight off that had nothing to do with love. I went to a small college, about 600 students total, so it had a high school feel and I didn't want to be judged. I did remain in the closet then.

It wasn't until I was 23 that I finally had the courage to tell a friend ... and it went fine. But each friend was another anxiety attack waiting to happen, with a few that I had more concerns with than others due to having heard religious comments, etc, in the past.... but I was very lucky when it came to my friends. Family was a bit different, and to be honest, I'm not completely out for various reasons. My sisters know though, and their initial reaction was more akin to: "How can you know you're gay if you've never been with a girl?". Sometimes they still don't get that this is not a "choice". I do believe some people can be bi and for them, perhaps they can choose... not that we choose who we fall in love with, but at least they have more fish in the sea. For me, being gay in a rural area... definitely not a choice. I was also 23 when I first ever kissed a guy, let alone did a bit more... and I'm still searching for that one... have thought I've found it a couple times, but I guess there's other things I need to be focusing on right now instead of guys.

There are so many great videos from the "It Gets Better" project, you should look it up if you haven't. But the truth is, life is different for everyone. I'm not sure of your post high school plans, but I will say that even though my sexuality was still a struggle during college, I still enjoyed my experiences after high school so much more. Though it was small, my high school had been even smaller and it was hard to find friends I could really relate to. In college, I found great friends that I could relate to, and they are the ones that are still my friends years later, that still loved me for who I am. It might seem a ways off... but you're a senior... so just try your best to remember you have so much to look forward to. In the meantime, work on you... be it exercise or a hobby or goal of some kind. If we sit around letting the loneliness get to us, it will make it all the worse... but if we keep busy, and keep hope... it's all a bit more bearable.

[toomuch45]

your story is almost as close as me i was the same way when i was in sixth grade and i was lonely as well (which i still am to this day) but anyway i didnt came out till i was 17 but my mom already knew cause of my experiences with things i feel you all the way on your story and trust me youll find a man someday and if you want to give it time to tell your parents its ok but sooner or later you should just let go and accept who you are.
if you need any other advice im usually always here on gs you can pm me on anything but anyway welcome to GS and i like your storymile:

[fredv3b]

Welcome to GS.

I just wanted to add a couple of points. You are not alone, there are a lot of guys going through what you are, perhaps there is even one at your school. Have you tried to get to know any of the out gay kids at your school? Perhaps they are not as different from you as you imagine? Perhaps flamboyance is a defence mechanism?