my baby doesnt know im dad

[Anonymous]

im bisexual and i have a really close female friend who is married and has been with her husband for nine years.

one night when me and my friend were drinking together alone... we did the deed
unfortunately she fell pregnant!!!
the baby has now been born and he is six month old.
her husband thinks im 100% gay and has no doubts the child is his own.
unfortunatly i know different. the child is mine.

because we are good friends and i dont want to ruin their marriage i havent been able to say anything.
but...
i want my son to know who i am. i need advice please.
its really making my life difficult and im thinking about it all the time.

should i just tell him and hope they could recover from it or do i say nothing and let my son call another man dad

the girl involved has begged me not to tell him and i really dont want to hurt her either.

has anyone gone through something similar

im sooooooo stuck. plz help
i have to see my child all the time too which really hurts coz i have to leave without him

[Ultra]

That is an ultra tough situation. Man, oh man... I could possibly get into a situation like yours, however I'm not exactly bi. I am, but I totally call myself gay. Anyway, I have no idea what to tell you... you may get hurt really really badly if the husband finds out. You cannot keep it a secret forever. He will find out in due time. The thing is, I don't want you to get hurt... perhaps it's best for now that the husband does believe that it is his own child. You better hope you're dead when the wife tells her husband that it is your baby... the husband is not gonna believe it. I dunno... this is a really super sticky, shitty and tough scenario. You could honestly tell the husband it was (he wouldn't believe it)... but get a DNA test going... oh boy, you better leave your country and move far far far away.

[fenris]

I think this is not to be solved without a lot of trouble and maybe the loss of some friends.

1. Let it be as it is = you are not happy with this solution

2. Wait till you child is of age = not a good situation... but possible

3. Tell the truth to your female friends husband = heavy but maybe the only possibility to be the dad which you want to be ... but I fear you will loss both friends .... and you can see your child only after a lawsuit.

As bad as it sounds... but I think in all possible solutions you can´t be the father you want to be.... in solution 3 you have both of your friends against you ... - maybe not her husband, when he thinks its not his problem, but he is in every case only a interested outsider.

So we need another solution : Whats the best for your kid ?
Are they good parents ? Can you do something better for you kid as this both friends ? Can you life with this kind of solution ? And if you can ... You can use solution 2

But .... in every case ... I would do every thing you can do for the kid.... : Create a savings account and give the money you would normally pay as Alimony on this account... maybe for a good Education
Be there for the kid .... and so on.....

I think the best way is to do all your best for the kid ....

Wich solution you use .... if is right or not ... you will see in future......

[fredv3b]

Why are you sure he's your child? If your friend and her husband hadn't had sex at about the right time of the right month why would the husband believe he was the father?

You cannot keep it a secret forever. He will find out in due time.

Why?

[Ultra]

Why are you sure he's your child? If your friend and her husband hadn't had sex at about the right time of the right month why would the husband believe he was the father?



Why?

Why? Something of that magnitude cannot be kept a secret. Think about the DNA test and stuff like that. It will be hard on the kid, imagine the kid growing up oblivious to the fact that his father is not exactly his father. It's not like the kid was adopted by his father, plus he's gonna be ashamed of his mother.

[Wintereis]

You need to think first and foremost of what is in the child's best interest.

The story is recounted in 1Kings 3:16-28. Two young women who lived in the same house and who both had an infant son came to Solomon for a judgment. One of the women claimed that the other, after accidentally smothering her own son while sleeping, had exchanged the two children to make it appear that the living child was hers. The other woman denied this and so both women claimed to be the mother of the living son and said that the dead boy belonged to the other.
After some deliberation, king Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He declared that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!" However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!" Solomon instantly gave the live baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother's instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child. The reputation of the king greatly increased when all the people of Israel heard of this wise judgment.

[blackstar]

@ wintereis

what has that to do with the price of tomatoes? you are obviously religious.

a fairy tale story dosen't really help the op now.

i think fenris' thinking out is most excellent.

but nobody can tell you what to do.

personally i would tread very carefully. its a very difficult situation. you done the deed. and this is the fallout. just take other peoples feelings into consideration when you decide what to do. its not all about you. best of luck.

[fredv3b]

Why? Something of that magnitude cannot be kept a secret.

It always used to be kept secret. There are a significant number of people out there whose fathers are not who they think they are.

[marshlander]

You and your friend made a mistake. Probably best not to turn it into a tragedy.

[jbrowder24]

There are several factors to consider: the strength and importance of your friendship to the mother (I agree with the above that you could lose the friendship if you don’t tread carefully); the relationship between the mother and her husband (despite the affair, is she happy? Do they make a good parenting team? Are there any signs of abuse or neglect?); and so forth.

Should you decide to take legal action, it could be a timely and costly affair in which you’d need a paternity test to prove it is indeed your child. And unfortunately, the most you could probably hope for, if she’s not an abusive mother or anything like that, are occasional visitation rights. Though I wish there was more equal footing between straights and gays, the reality is that there is not; while in most cases the mother outweighs the father as well. If the mother’s marriage is to a good guy and strong despite the affair, it would be even harder to win much should it come to a battle.

On the other hand, if the husband were to find out, perhaps it’d be better sooner than later … if it results in fighting or worse with your friend, at least it will be while the child is too young to remember it. Paternity aside, the fact that his wife cheated on him could be seen as a huge betrayal to him. Should he stick with his wife, one has to question if he would treat the child still as if it was his own. However, should your friend feel betrayed, she might fight to restrict any type of access from you.

My instinct is if that they are a loving couple and good parents, to not risk losing both your friend and your kid. Though it might not be with you as a known dad, you could still enjoy time as a loving “uncle”, offer up babysitting services, etc. and be part of the kid’s live – as long as you all live in the same area. If you don’t live in the same area and want to guarantee some type of visitation or if you think you’d be a better father figure than this guy if he’s not a good guy… then it’s a tough choice. Should you proceed, it could be time-consuming and both emotionally and financially draining… but will it still be worth it get to spend time with your kid as a father? That is the question you must answer to yourself.